1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Stewards - A team of international crime-fighters
schooled in the ancient martial art of crumb-foo and armed only with
dustpans and brushes, take on the evil bun-house crime family in a
fight to the death! (after breakfast...)
2. Seven Kai-Tais for Seven Nozzers - A bunch of young fledgling sailors
are introduced by their elders to the joys of love in a foreign climate,
not knowing that their new girlfriends have a surprise in store!
3. I Married a Gronk from the Outer Hebrides - A science-fiction remake
of a classic "B" movie in which a lonely matelot goes to meet his
anonymous pen-pal,, gets pissed and ends up marrying the daughter
of a peasant crofter somewhere North of Aberdeen.
4. The Exorpissed - A Naval padre is asked to perform an exorcism on
a baby stoker who is found covered from head to foot in green vomit,
gibbering in tongues at the back of the Junior Rates Mess - only to
discover that he's got through half a dozen crates of Strongbow and
nine kebabs and is actually only completely mashed...
5. THORA!! THORA!! THORA!! - A new British Documentary offering
conclusive proof that the renowned British sit-come actrress Thora
Hird was actually the military genius who masterminded the attack
on Pearl Harbour, bringing the USA into World War 2
6. A Fistful of Snorkers - Spaghetti Western in which a nameless stranger
drifts into a nameless frontier town and kills all the bad guys by
bashing their heads in with large tins of pussers sausages.
7. Indiana Jones and the 8 piece dicking - Our hero battles the evil
Nazi hordes in the late 1930's as he scours the world in search of the
legendary Holy Uckers Board on which Jesus gave Judas the very
first 8-piece dicking. Judas is supposed to have said "I'll get you
back for that!", before upping the board and storming out of the mess
and on the telly.....
1. Celebrity Twat Camp - A new TV show in which every whinging,
snivelling, dripping, money grabbing Z-list "celeb" that has ever
bored the backside out of the viewing masses on reality TV shows
is sent to whats left of HMS Royal Arthur and made to run 10 miles
a day with a beer barrel full of concrete strapped to their arse with
30 feet of masking tape...nothin' else.....just that......every day.....
for six weeks.
2. Ready(Arse!) Steady(Bollix!) Cook! - Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey
is taught how to(Bollix!) swear(Shite!) and cook properly(Nackers!)
by a three-badge killick chef with Tourettes syndrome (Ugly Bas**rd!)
3. Extreme Tattover UK - A fresh box of midshipmen are dragged
ashore in various UK ports, made to drink heavily and then hauled
into squalid tattoo parlours to have the words "I Love Michael
Barrymore" etched on their buttocks for eternity. Future episodes
will see the unfortunate snotties having spiders-webs tattooed on
their armpits and images of George Michael and Dale Winton done
around each nipple.
In this latest instalment to the ever popular sceries of sci-fi action
block-busters, we discover that our hero Luke PorkSnorker is actually
the bastard offspring love-child of an unholy union between the
dastardly Darth Rigid-Raider and R2D2-WD40. Meanwhile, C3PO's
B13 comes through and in a moving ceremony the little robot is
rated to Local(Acting) C3(Charge Chief)PO. The renegade pilot,
Han Blow-Tow and his big hairy oppo, Chew BlueLiners go on a
wild run ashore! Poor old Chew BlueLiners gets rat-arsed and winds
up going home with RS Yo-dah-dit-dah-dits mum. That big ugly skimmer,
Dabber the FlagLocker fails his leadership course, is put on remedial
PT and ordered to lose at least 6 tons in weight. AB Wanka-Nobby gets
a pier-head jump to HMS Deathstar, but due to inter-galactic defence
cuts, is informed that it has been put up for auction on E-Bay and has
subsequently been purchased by the Imperial Klingon Navy. His draft is
cancelled and he is sent to the planet Rah-Lay to instruct new entries
in basic Light Sabre handling, Photon torpedo assembly, Dilithium
crystal replacement, and how to remove a wrens nickers using only
the powers of the Darkside and Bacardi Breezers. Finally, in a sick and
bitter twist to the plot, a new, vile enemy of the Alliance, in the shape
of the nasty alien Harr-Donn formulates a new Private Finance Initiative,
puts the RN out to tender and the whole lot is bought by the inventor
of Cillit-Bang. All weapons systems are removed in a cost-cutting
exercise and now, if confronted by any force threatening western
civilisation, Weapons Systems operators must shout (quote)
"Bang! - and the enemy is gone!" (unquote).