Awful jokes


War Hero
Bloke takes his wife to the doctor.
The doctor asks, "Why is she covered in bruises?"
"She's going through the change."
The doc gasped, "But you don't get bruises like that when going through the change!"
The bloke replied, "You do when it's my change your going through!"


Lantern Swinger
I was in a pub telling the old joke "What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath ? ........ chuck in your washing!' when this bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "That's not funny, my brother was epileptic and he died in the bath !
I quickly tried to sound sincere and asked "How did he die, did he drown ?", he said 'No, he choked on a fuc*ing sock !'


Lantern Swinger
My favourite text message......

"I was in Tesco earlier and thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread !"

"Until I looked closer and realised it said THICK CUT !"


War Hero
Limbo champion walks into a bar…he’s disqualified.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible


War Hero
Two blondes walk into a building,
You'd have thought one of them would have seen it........................................

bloke walks along a beach, finds a bottle, opens it and genie appears
Cheers mate says he, I have been in there a thousand years, any wish is yours now
bloke thinks, I would like a dick that touches the ground
His legs drop off................................

I'll get my coat


I keep thinking about the Oscar Pistorius situation, and can't help but think that if he blackened her up with a bit of shoe polish he probably would have gotten away with it.

Sorry if that was in poor taste...I understand he wouldn't have shoe polish.


War Hero
I new that I would become a submariner even when I was at school, because I always
avoided going to maths lessons and I never did any mathematical homework.

Yup. I was a sumdodger.


War Hero
Did you know that when Saddam Hussein was hanged for crimes against
humanity, the witnesses to his execution threw Dominos pizzas at him
just as he fell through the hatch?
Apparently it was an extra topping.