Aussie Humour

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by MG Maniac, Feb 21, 2014.

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  1. A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed.
    The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
    A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they shagged my wife after only five cans!"
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    "My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.
    It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
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    I was shagging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
    She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
    Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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    Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail.
    I got locked up for punching this bloke at a party.
    In my defence... When you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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    I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
    Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny - spooky or what?
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    The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
    Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
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    My wife is pissed off with me again.
    I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper.
    She has no sense of humour.
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    10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says.
    If any of you are Paedophiles, you can fuck off down to HELL Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out.
    "And take this deaf bastard with you".
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    The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse".
    Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
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    My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.
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    The wife came out of the bathroom and said: "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you"?
    I said. "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again"!
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    Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
    Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman.
    Danced like a woman.
    Even kissed like a woman.
    But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
    That's when I thought. "Hang about" !!!!

     
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