Aussie Humour

#1
A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed.
The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they shagged my wife after only five cans!"
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"My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
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I was shagging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail.
I got locked up for punching this bloke at a party.
In my defence... When you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny - spooky or what?
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The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
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My wife is pissed off with me again.
I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper.
She has no sense of humour.
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10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says.
If any of you are Paedophiles, you can **** off down to HELL Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out.
"And take this deaf bastard with you".
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The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it ***********".
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
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My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.
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The wife came out of the bathroom and said: "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you"?
I said. "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again"!
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Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman.
Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. "Hang about" !!!!

 
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