Any Girls From Essex??

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by geoffg, Jun 5, 2007.

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  1. Essex Girls


    An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
    "How many children?" asks the council worker.
    "10" replies the Essex girl
    "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
    "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
    "Doesn't that get confusing?"
    "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are
    out playing in the street I just have to shout "WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY", or "WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."
    "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
    "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"


    Essex Girl enters a n Adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
    The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
    She says "I'll take the red one."
    The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


    An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
    The paramedics soon arrive on site.
    Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
    Girl: "OK"
    Medic: "What's your name?"
    Girl: "Tracey."
    Medic: "OK Tracey, is this your car?"
    Tracey: "Yes."
    Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
    Tracey: "Romford, mate."


    An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
    It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her.
    "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
    "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"


    Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere.
    The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
    Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
    Tracey: "Ok."
    Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
    Tracey: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


    An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
    She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
    So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
    Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
    "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.

    geoff(ers) :nemo:
     
  2. I'm either overtired or still drunk from 2 nights ago!
    I laughed, anybody else going to admit it?
     
  3. ok I just had to do it. I googled essex girl jokes and found this
    Essex girl jokes
     
  4. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Some old some new, but they raised a smile
     
  5. Wot do yer call an Essex Girl wiv a runny nose

    Full up

    Nutty
     
  6. Have to admit, i had a bit of a giggle :)
     
  7. What does an Essex girl use for protection when she has sexual intercourse.


    A bus shelter

    Nutty
     
  8. If Essex girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice why do they always taste of anchovies.


    Nutty
     
  9. lol, heard em all many times and they still make me laugh.
    and yup i'm from essex

    shel
     
  10. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Blummin' heck Nutty- I thought it was just Scousers that amused you! :crybaby:

    There must be some Essex girl/Scouser wiiticisms out there mate.

    The challenge is on- first to find one gets a free beer & a house in the US of A off MSG Smiley.
     


  11. An oxymoron surely?
     
  12. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Tsk, your spelling ! The Words are "Oxygen Thief" & "Moron" whereas as oxymoron is erm..... OK I'll give you than one mate!
     
  13. N-S

    The joke are the same world wide in English, In Essex or Oz they are Blond girl jokes, Irish jokes are Polish Jokes in USA. Irish jokes in Ireland are Kerry Jokes, in Oz they are Kiwi Jokes.

    At one office I worked at we had a young lady from Essex on reception so we told Hertfordshire Girl Jokes. With scouser I thought they were a joke.

    Nutty
     
  14. Not a joke but it makes me laugh, as I walk my daughter to school we are often passed by a car with a vanity plate ESXGRL, not really something to boast about I would have thought. Keep trying to get a pic with mobile phone, if I get 1 I'll post it.
    NZB
     
  15. In the USA Cities, Jewish Princess Jokes, that allude that all young jewish ladies have only an interest in money are very popular.

    "What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and an Italian
    American Princess?
    -With the Italian American Princess, the jewels are fake, and the
    orgasms are real." (Google search for many more)

    Jokes can of course be adapted or tailored for the audience.

    "Richard Branson has three kids, It the eldest boys birthday. 'Ok son what would you like for your 18th birthday, remember I am very very rich so choose what you like'.
    'Ok Dad, I would like to start my own Airline like you"
    Next day down to Heathrow and out to a hanger Lo and Behold a Boeing 777 gift wrapped with yellow ribbon, 'There you go son enjoy'
    Next it is his six year old sons birthday, 'Son my baby boy its your birthday soon what would you like, I am very very rich so what ever your heart desires',
    After great thought the boy says, 'What I really really want is a cowboy outfit'
    So Richard Branson brought him HMS CORNWALL"

    Put in at the end something close to who ever you are talking to. Fill it out a bit introduce another elder son etc.

    Nutty
     
  16. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Cor!

    Bet Billy Connelly, Morcambe & Wise, Peter Kaye, et al must've learnt a bit off you Nutty.

    The watches must simply have flown by, mate!
     
  17. Cant say Ive ever had the pleasure of a genuine Essex girl...how do they really compare to the rest of female humanity!
     
  18. No I learnt from them. Most of my Jokes are so old, my circle of acquaintances have given them numbers and are bored senseless. Any good new ones or dits I store on the old PC

    Nutty

    I did not do jokes in Pusser.
     

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