Anus (and other) disasters.

2_deck_dash

War Hero
When I was in the process of joining up, I kept failing the piss test as I had too much protein in my whizz. This can be a sign of kidney failure so they shipped me down to Haslar, where they gave me some blood tests and prodded and poked me for half a day. Now being a young 15 year old, I had never really spent much time in hospital and I was not aware of some of the protocols and procedures that should be observed.

I was given a small plastic jar and asked to provide a stool sample. On inspection the jar appeared similar to the piss sample jars that I had used previously, but it had a slightly larger rim and came with a small spoon for some unknown reason. I sat bored in the waiting room until I felt the need to curl one down. As I felt the first tell tale rumblings, I wandered into the bog. Examining the jar I realised the best way of collecting a sample would be to cup the jar against my balloon knot and crimp off a length directly into it.

So I stripped off and did my best impression of a paedophile ice cream man preparing a chocolate Mr Whippy and lifted up the jar to inspect my load. I was impressed, it did actually look a bit like ice cream and was nicely curled into the jar like the spires of that building in Moscow. I cleaned myself up and attempted to close the jar, but there was way too much substance to get the lid on. Thinking on my feet, it was here that I realised what the spoon was for. I used it to scoop out the excess turd and smoothed off the top, cramming it as far into the jar as possible before squeezing the lid back on.

I proudly slammed my jar on the nurse's desk, like an empty glass after downing a pint. She looked up and gasped in horror, the horror soon turned to an awkward laugh and she proceeded to inform me that I was only supposed to use the spoon to take a tiny nugget and place it in the jar. I was not required to fill the jar completely. She gave me a fresh jar and made me go and do it again correctly. I was gutted, so much pride and effort had gone into cramming that Bungle's finger into that small cup, only for it to be shot down in flames.

Threaders.

Turned out I didn't have kidney failure, I was just wanking too much.
 
Second hand dit but I believe they had one of Princess Di's turds in a jar behind the bar on the RY Brittania one of the clankies removed it from the shitter pipes during their honeymoon tour.
 
stan_the_man said:
Second hand dit but I believe they had one of Princess Di's turds in a jar behind the bar on the RY Brittania one of the clankies removed it from the shitter pipes during their honeymoon tour.

I heard it was countersunk at one end? :D
 
stan_the_man said:
Second hand dit but I believe they had one of Princess Di's turds in a jar behind the bar on the RY Brittania one of the clankies removed it from the shitter pipes during their honeymoon tour.

I heard it was one of HM's. Dried, varnished and mounted on a plaque.
 

2_deck_dash

War Hero
Streaky said:
stan_the_man said:
Second hand dit but I believe they had one of Princess Di's turds in a jar behind the bar on the RY Brittania one of the clankies removed it from the shitter pipes during their honeymoon tour.

I heard it was one of HM's. Dried, varnished and mounted on a plaque.

I heard it was her Maj's as well.

I think Stan is getting confused with Princess Di's jam rag which they also had as a souvenir (allegedly).
 
2_deck_dash said:
Streaky said:
stan_the_man said:
Second hand dit but I believe they had one of Princess Di's turds in a jar behind the bar on the RY Brittania one of the clankies removed it from the shitter pipes during their honeymoon tour.

I heard it was one of HM's. Dried, varnished and mounted on a plaque.

I heard it was her Maj's as well.

I think Stan is getting confused with Princess Di's jam rag which they also had as a souvenir (allegedly).

Curiously, none of them smelled, either.

Now there's posh for you.
 

Alfacharlie

War Hero
Montigny-La-Palisse said:
Shaharting oneself is ace. I await with no small joy the tale of an rr members epic soiling dits including both the time he carked himself on watch, in tropic shorts negative undies and in rig, in my car on the way to culdrose.

Ah yes, I still have flash backs now!

The time on watch....

AC: "Chops, I desperately need to use the fcuking heads, been sat here on HF waiting for the fcuking cab to pitch up for ages now, surley i can wait for airmove message?"

Chops (R): "No chance, shouldn't of been out all night on the razz then, C601 shippers".

20 mins later....

AC: "Cnut."

Chop[s (R): "No point getting a strop on, you need to remain closed up".

AC: "No bother Chief, I'm now good."

End of flying stations , off to laundry.

However, the one in your car MLP, was epic. I especially appreciated the moral support off the drivers by on the A30. Thanks guys.
 
I heard it was one of HM's. Dried, varnished and mounted on a plaque.[/quote]

I heard it was her Maj's as well.

I think Stan is getting confused with Princess Di's jam rag which they also had as a souvenir (allegedly).[/quote]
Fcuk me please don't tell me princesses blob up thats gross
 

off_les_aura

War Hero
Another 2nd hand dit.

A couple of shipmates who were a class behind me at Deadloss had a bit of a love/hate relationship during Pt 2 training. They were poles apart. One was a no-nonsense cocky Yorkshire lad (for anonymity lets call him H) and the other was an ex-broker who was a bit older and lost a fcuk-load of money during the late 80s/early 90s recession and had no choice but to join-up (let call him N). They were always at each other.

The Yorkshire lad was a serial ******. Didn't matter what time of day it was or who was about, he couldn't leave his little fella alone. The ex-broker was a bit more "reserved" and didn't approve of such blatent self-abuse.

Unfortunately the 21 man mess-decks in Grenville Block were furnished with old iron bunks that amplified every movement the occupant made. And these guys had next-door bunks.

One night, H was furiously wanking in his pit, oblivious to the fact that his bed was creaking away. The creaking reached a crescendo and then suddenly stopped. H had ejaculated into his hand.

N, in the bed opposite, leans over to H and says,"Nice one. What you gonna do with that now?"

"This..", says H, and flicks his spaff over N's face.

Lights on. Fcuking mayhem in the mess. Calm down, calm down. N goes off to wash his face and eventually everyone gets to sleep after much giggling.

Serial wanking aside, H had another problem that he didn't mind sharing with everyone. He suffered from Plymouth Argyles and loved nothing more than to spread his arse cheeks in front of everyone and apply Anusol liberally around his tattered ringpiece, just to get a reaction from the rest of the mess.

Which gave N a wonderful idea....

He painstakingly squeezed a goodly amount of Anusol out of the tube and replaced it with Deep Heat.

The next time H did his pile cream party trick in front of the lads, his gutteral screams rattled those old bed-frames :D

They got on much better after that...
 

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