2_deck_dash
War Hero
When I was in the process of joining up, I kept failing the piss test as I had too much protein in my whizz. This can be a sign of kidney failure so they shipped me down to Haslar, where they gave me some blood tests and prodded and poked me for half a day. Now being a young 15 year old, I had never really spent much time in hospital and I was not aware of some of the protocols and procedures that should be observed.
I was given a small plastic jar and asked to provide a stool sample. On inspection the jar appeared similar to the piss sample jars that I had used previously, but it had a slightly larger rim and came with a small spoon for some unknown reason. I sat bored in the waiting room until I felt the need to curl one down. As I felt the first tell tale rumblings, I wandered into the bog. Examining the jar I realised the best way of collecting a sample would be to cup the jar against my balloon knot and crimp off a length directly into it.
So I stripped off and did my best impression of a paedophile ice cream man preparing a chocolate Mr Whippy and lifted up the jar to inspect my load. I was impressed, it did actually look a bit like ice cream and was nicely curled into the jar like the spires of that building in Moscow. I cleaned myself up and attempted to close the jar, but there was way too much substance to get the lid on. Thinking on my feet, it was here that I realised what the spoon was for. I used it to scoop out the excess turd and smoothed off the top, cramming it as far into the jar as possible before squeezing the lid back on.
I proudly slammed my jar on the nurse's desk, like an empty glass after downing a pint. She looked up and gasped in horror, the horror soon turned to an awkward laugh and she proceeded to inform me that I was only supposed to use the spoon to take a tiny nugget and place it in the jar. I was not required to fill the jar completely. She gave me a fresh jar and made me go and do it again correctly. I was gutted, so much pride and effort had gone into cramming that Bungle's finger into that small cup, only for it to be shot down in flames.
Threaders.
Turned out I didn't have kidney failure, I was just wanking too much.
I was given a small plastic jar and asked to provide a stool sample. On inspection the jar appeared similar to the piss sample jars that I had used previously, but it had a slightly larger rim and came with a small spoon for some unknown reason. I sat bored in the waiting room until I felt the need to curl one down. As I felt the first tell tale rumblings, I wandered into the bog. Examining the jar I realised the best way of collecting a sample would be to cup the jar against my balloon knot and crimp off a length directly into it.
So I stripped off and did my best impression of a paedophile ice cream man preparing a chocolate Mr Whippy and lifted up the jar to inspect my load. I was impressed, it did actually look a bit like ice cream and was nicely curled into the jar like the spires of that building in Moscow. I cleaned myself up and attempted to close the jar, but there was way too much substance to get the lid on. Thinking on my feet, it was here that I realised what the spoon was for. I used it to scoop out the excess turd and smoothed off the top, cramming it as far into the jar as possible before squeezing the lid back on.
I proudly slammed my jar on the nurse's desk, like an empty glass after downing a pint. She looked up and gasped in horror, the horror soon turned to an awkward laugh and she proceeded to inform me that I was only supposed to use the spoon to take a tiny nugget and place it in the jar. I was not required to fill the jar completely. She gave me a fresh jar and made me go and do it again correctly. I was gutted, so much pride and effort had gone into cramming that Bungle's finger into that small cup, only for it to be shot down in flames.
Threaders.
Turned out I didn't have kidney failure, I was just wanking too much.
