And finally.......

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by BillyNoMates, Jul 10, 2012.

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  1. The "happy news story" that they tag on to the end of all the shit stuff.
    Feel free to write your own heart-warming scoop in here.

    * * * * * *

    Scientists at the London College of Brain Studies have mad a breakthrough in the never-ending
    battle against Alzheimers Disease and Senile Dementia in females. Using a Government grant
    of £95,000,000 and maximising their Government sponsored debit cards on expense claims,
    they have discovered a way of completely reversing the effects of these devasting illnesses.
    Thier first "test case" was Miss Florrie McSpanner, age 94, who had been incarcerated in the
    Harold Shipman Memorial Residential Care Home, in Birkenhead since 2009. Miss McSpanner
    (who up until the start of clinical trial could not even remember what a spoon was used for), was
    removed from the Care Home, taken to Birkenhead Registry Office, where she was married to
    Mr Alfred Dogging, a retired whelk farmer from Dorset.
    Observers from the College, then began an exhaustive monitoring progress on the newly-weds
    after the wedding and within THREE DAYS, Mrs Dogging (nee McSpanner) was bitching at
    her new husband about everything that he had ever done in his entire life with 100% accuracy.
    Professor Denzil Tossa, who is leading the study said;
    "The results of this trial are nothing short of astounding, Mrs Dogging only recently had a right
    go at Mr Dogging, about him back-scuttling two Egyptian prostitutes in Cairo back in 1943,
    and she's only known the poor bastard for the past five days!"
    He continued; "She seems to remember absolutely everything about everything right down to
    the smallest most insignificant detail - so it would seem that the process of re-marrying
    actually reactivates the neurons in the female brain, and even though Mr Doggings face has
    caved in owing to a massive stroke yesterday due to the pressure he's under....we simply
    cannot shut the moaning bitch up....."
    To prove their findings, Mrs Dogging was taken back to the Care Home and she IMMEDIATELY
    started to grunt and drool before urinating on the carpet and informing all the staff that her
    ex (dead) husband was living in the top drawer of her dressing table with a goat called Margaret.
    Upon return to the marital abode, she sort of returned to normal and manked for three hours about
    the fact that Mr Dogging hadn't painted the kitchen ceiling since August 12th 1963, and also
    that he bought her shit birthday presents, especially the matching set of face flannels and
    incontinence pants on her 75th.
    Proffesor Tossa finally stated;
    "Naturally with every medical breakthrough - there will be side-effects - this one being a slow,
    painful, nagged-to-death-death for Mr Dogging but looking on the bright side, we can clear
    out loads of Residential Nursng Homes, keep undertakers in business and reduce the
    financial burden on Local Authorities by almost 70% and that cannot be a bad thing in
    todays troubled times......"
    * * * * * *
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Andy Murray is Scottish again.......
  3. Billy I ain't got nowt to say on this thread, I just wondered if I could borrow your screwdriver.?
  4. Colin, a Jack Russell terrier sadly killed trying to hump a mobility scooter has found a new lease of life as a novelty vase, Colin’s owner Edna Minge entered the dog in the Cleckheaton and district county show, I had to have Colin’s arsehole reamed out to accommodate the flowers said Miss Minge, this was done with the help of her neighbour a retired sailor who had experience of these matters, sadly Colin didn’t win a prize as the judge said “it were shite”
  5. Mr Colin Canteckit, a land labourer from Cumbria, was today recovering from what nearly proved to be a brutal attack on his person whilst walking home across fields just after dusk.
    The perp, according to local constabulary, was dressed in overalls, boots and what appeared to be a white balaclave and a WW2 steel helmet. Demanding alchohol and money the attack was brought to an abrupt end when the villan was suddenly distracted by a passing flock of sheep. He was seen to trail them to an adjacent field where he and two of the better looking sheep were found lying looking content if somewhat tired, and all were smoking cigarettes.
  6. Billy you [email protected]! Now I've got to clean coffee off my monitor and keyboard ... hopefully without IT finding out I was drinking coffee within 10 miles of the bl**dy thing!
  7. Scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider at the CERN project,in Switzerland have recently been celebrating the discovery of the so called Higgs Boson or “God Particle”. One such celebration culminated in several of the project workers consuming too much alcohol, after which they decided to conduct a little experiment of their own. Three members of staff placed their pets (a ferret, a hamster and a small Yorkshire Terrier )in the firing chamber of the L.H.C. and set it off. As the unfortunate creatures were blasted along the L.H.C’s miles of tubes, they soon attained a speed that was virtually the speed of light and their tiny bodies were torn apart, their very essence reduce to trillions and trillions of sub-atomic particles, positrons, neutrons and dark matter. It was at this point that, yet again – the Higgs Boson (“God Particle”) was finally exposed, and as the three pets continued on their way – they were re-assembled, reformed and re-constructed as just one new abomination which eventually came out the other end of the L.H.C. as a Ginsters Large Spicy Breakfast Slice (Limited Edition r.r.p. £1 99p).* * * * * *
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Weather Forecasting legend, Michael Fish has come out of retirement and will be working
    for *Daybreak* Television, starting on Monday morning. "It is hoped that Michael can
    vindicate himself - after that m-o-n-u-m-e-n-t-a-l fuck up he made, when he missed
    out the fact that it might get a bit windy", said a Daybreak spokesperson yesterday.
    Michael is already working on his presentation methods and is liaising closely with
    meteorologists at the National Weather Centre in order to get it right this time:-

    • Like Like x 1
  9. Tony B-lair was given a Olympic Roll today. Visiting the Korean community outside Chatham dockyard, the owner of the local Subway chain (who asked to remain annonymous due to the fear of being firebombed by the local conservative club) the ex PM (who still hasn't got a knighthood ... and HRH says he wont get one as long as his a*se pionts downwards) was asked to try the new "Olympic Roll" of shredded dog in aspic on a bed of jalapeno peppers marinated in tobasco sauce with onion bahji and red thai paste. The PM was rendered speechless by the show of hospitiality... infact he couldn't speak after one bite and required hospital treatment. He is unlikely to regain the use of his vocal cords in the foreseeable future. A spokesman for the Korean community said the visit was a great success however felt that it proved that Europeans would eat any sh*t given to them!
  10. Security for the forthcoming London Olympics is to be "beefed up" after the recently difficulties reported by G4S. British Special Forces are to be amalgamated with the Salvation Army to protect high-profile events and people who consider themselves important. The new squadron - the S. alvation A. ir S. ervice is currently going through a rigorous training schedule, hanging upside down on ropes on the outside of tall buildings whilst brandishing back-issues of*The War Cry* and simultaneously rattling collection tins at members of the real SAS who are acting as potential terrorists, hijackers and hot-dog salesmen. Colonel Brian "Basher" McDeath (O/C 22 SAS Stirling Lines, Hereford),said; "These Salvation Air Service chappies are just what the doctor ordered. They are deadly and can double-tap a foreign-type at the drop of a hat, and STILL get you to put a quid in the tin before playing "Abide with me" on their's awesome!" 2nd Lieutenant Geoffrey Timmikins (O/C 23rd Salvation Air Service, Black Bible Troop),said; "My chaps will ensure that the London Olympics are 100% safe. Any dangerous situation will be immediately dealt with, and naughty evil doers will be duly informed that they shall spend eternity in Hell and Damnation before my boys put a couple of rounds in their fucking skulls"
  11. Mr and Mrs Horace Bottomley, both aged 75 who currently reside behind a green wheelie-bin in Carlton Terrace Mews in the borough of Chelsea, London are suing their local Social Services Department for undue harrassment and unfair treatment. Mr Bottomley, who along with his wife was evicted from his house when the Landlord, Shazzam Ali-Ben-Yahoo decided that he could get more money by converting it into eight bed-sits for recovering Islamic crack addicts has since been the unfortunate victim of a hit-and-run accident which left him paralysed and wheelchair bound. The accident caused by an unlicensed alcoholic Uzbekistan mini-cab driver,Slobodan Zzpchzztchcykwykcvwki has left Mr Bottomley unable to work. His loving wife Martha,has given up her job as a cleaner in a Night CLub owned by Drogbu Slavabogroll a Romanian businessman, wanted in several countries for various criminal activities including drug smuggling, prostitution and people trafficking in order to care for her severely disabled husband. Only last week Mrs Bottomley was beaten up, raped and left for dead by deranged Ugandan political refugee N'Kromu Bobbadinga who had only just been released from Broadmoor Secure facility for threatening a play-park full of children with his collection of tribal machetes, having been considered as fully rehabilitated and safe to re-enter society. The couple, who have been married for almost 35 years now eke out a meagre living by begging on the streets of the nations capital city and Mrs Bottomley who has attempted suicide twice and has recently had her left leg amputated due to complications and ongoing diabetic medical concerns has been reported as saying: "The Social Services and Benefits Fraud Investigation Team are constantly harrassing me and my husband. They follow us everywhere now that we have correctly filled out all the relevant forms with a view to getting a small flat anywhere and a bit of benefit to support us both and buy food and medicines" Vassily Illyanavovitch and Ullawayo M'boto who have been given the task of investigating the Bottomleys shady claims have stated;"We spend all day watching this pair of scum-bags and we're convinced that we will soon have them on camera either lifting something heavy,playing golf, bunjee-jumping or applying for a membership of the Knightsbridge Gym Club....and then we'll have 'em by the balls. People like the Bottomleys should be jailed or sent back to their own this case Streatham, because they think they can just go ahead and claim benefits simply because they worked hard all their lives, payed taxes......are you kidding me?"Mr M'boto further said; "it took me almost a WEEK to get all my benefits when I claimed political asylum here, and Vassily is still waiting for the council to finish his driveway so he can park his Bentley off-road." Meanwhile, Jenga Al-Mifsud (25) a Somali Ice Cream van tycoon,his seven wives, nine brothers, eleven cousins and fifteen children, who live in a £3,000,000 nine-bedroom property in Carlton Terrace Mews, Chelsea paid for by Chelsea Social Services Department said (via means of an interpreter); "It is horrible. This British persons should not be allowed to live behind my bins.If they not leave very soon, I shoot with gun and then let my lawyers get me off with a warning after I say it is racist thing. Is good idea yes?"The Bottomleys court case against the Borough of Chelsea is expected to last for two months, cost the tax payer 3/4 of a million pounds,earn the firm of Gunga, Dinn and Waheem (Solicitors) at least the same amount and ensure that the Benefits System of the UK continues to be used in the manner that we have now become accustomed to.
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2012
  12. Bill, they say its a fine line between genius and insanity, some times I'm not sure which side of the line you are on.
  13. Sharkey,

    Here's a clue; BNM keeps squirrels.
  14. On the telly to-day, refugee who raped a 12 year old girl will be allowed to stay because returning him to his own country would infringe his human rights, sadly this one is true
  15. If it was my daughter his human rights would come to a sudden end with a round of .577/45 boxer cartridge Martini Henry.
    You youngsters may or may not know about the promises we were made back in the 60's regarding law breakers from overseas.
    They were supposedly to serve any sentence handed them without remission, and then deported to their country of origin.
    Who gives a fuck about his human rights? Oh sorry yes the pink and fluffies do.
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Fuck em (deport them too). Did I say that out loud?....Yup, guess I did.....:protest:disgust
  17. You hear about these afghans who turn on their instructors.
    Fuck the cleaner in my room comes from Kabul.
    Did cunt send him? Is Blackrat payroling a hit for his oppo.
    Is my bed in range of a mortar placed in Rectory road.
    Insecurity is an awful thing. Does he really want my slippers that bad,.. and my dongle?
    I'm fucked.
    • Like Like x 2
  18. D'you think I might have a future (third) career in politics then? Now.......let's see what I can rip the piss out of tonight. Laters! BillyZeroChums
  19. Sydney, Australia, Dateline:- July 15th 2012. An Australian TV Channel has received hundreds of telephone calls and thousands of e-mails complaining about a new reality television show that was broadcast for the first time yesterday evening in a prime-time slot. Australian cable TV Channel W.A.N.K. (Sydney) developed the format for their new production *Australias next first generation top Aborigine Model* as a co-production between W.A.N.K. and the Wagga-Wagga-Walamaroo Televison Station in Wagga-Wagga-Walamaroo, far out in the middle of the Northern Territories, where most of the original Abo's were sent to back in 1977. W.A.N.K. CEO Bruce Chunder issued a statement on behalf of the television station saying;"We believed it was the right time to give everyone from every ethnic background the chance to appear on a television,even if the basic format for THIS show is to promote beauty, grace and intelligence and show that gorgeous, young,shapely girls in very tiny bikinis do actually have a role to play in todays society. The fact that Aborigine women have always been excluded from this kind of television exposure, and so many other facets of light entertainment got us thinking and when Wagga-Wagga-Walamaroo Television called us with the initial idea - we just could not pass it up....." Viewers of the programme seem to have other ideas and hundreds of telephoned complaints to the TV Station have been logged and uploaded to YouTube, which so far has had more than a million hits. "JESUS HOLY FU**ING CHRIST MATE!!. I've just watched the pilot episode of this, and I am still wiping the vomit off my couch", said one irate viewer. "Congratulations you fu**ing bast**ds - I spent two thousand dollars on a 3D television set and I've just seen something resembling a 6' 2" shaved mutant wombat with a face that looks like its been smashed into a giant cactus parading around in erotic underwear supplied by Victorias Secret.....have you any idea what that looks like in FU**ING 3D??!!", moaned another. Mr Chunder responded to the complaints by saying "We realise that looking at genuine fifty-something aborigine women with alcohol problems, sashaying around in bikinis, erotic underwear and little black cocktail dresses is something of an acquired taste,but we have already got all twelve episodes in the can so it'll be broadcast for the next eleven weeks. The final episode, when the winner is crowned should be a crowd pleaser though, because we've persuaded all the losers mothers and grandmothers to re-create that stupendous stripping sequence from the wonderful British film *The Full Monty* and we are still hopeful that we can get Sir Tom Jones to appear live on stage with all of them to sing "You can keep your hat on"
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2012
  20. A new specialised nationwide police unit, formed specifically to combat the never-ending war on drugs, drug smuggling and the unbelievable amount of money that is made from such illegal activities took to the streets of the United Kingdom today. The brainchild of Assistant Chief Acting Commisioner Sir Charles Sagging-Gusset, it will have access to all the very latest anti-crime technology, the fastest cars, the best sun glasses and an open ended account with Primark to provide super cool clothing for its elite members."This highly trained unit, made up from the very best officers has been born out of the necessity to combat the ever-growing problem of drugs on our streets", said Sir Charles."They will strike hard, they will strike fast and they will get results,you mark my words...".He went on to say;"The Immediate Action Mobilised Anti Crime Unit Narcotics Team, work undercover in plain clothes but, when a major drugs bust is imminent, they don their special bomber jackets, which have the initials of their elite unit emblazoned across the back before crashing through doors in deadly efficient dawn raids. The criminals stand no chance of escape. So.....drug dealers, suppliers and money launderers be warned.The next time your front door comes crashing down at half five in the morning, look out for the hard, well trained policemen dressed in black bomber jackets, with the letters I.A.M.A.C.U.N.T. stencilled on the back. Your days are numbered"
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2012

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