An Ode to a Newbie


War Hero
Listen to my story lads
See I was at a loss
I thought I`d been abandoned
and no one gave a toss

At first I tried the Army
but that came to a halt
when the sergeant told me
I couldn’t be a Walt.

Next I tried the Royal Marines
A soldier in a boat
But as I’m scared of guns and stuff,
I didn’t have a hope

Then I asked the Navy man
If I could go to sea
“no problem son†the big chief said
you look alright to me.

So off I went to take my test,
How fast can you run?
Are you any good at football?
And how old is your mum?

Next I went to see the doc
He got hold of my balls
And when he gently squeezed them
It didn’t hurt at all

Soon I was at Raleigh
Mustering my kit
An doing allsorts of physical jerks
To try and get me fit.

I also learned to sail a boat
An how to fire a gun
and soon I had a special treat
a visit from my mum

“What’s up sonâ€, she whispered
“You’re looking so forlornâ€
“it’s cos†I snarled “when I came hereâ€
They made me ditch my porn

Chin up lad, its not that bad
You’re out of training soon
An anyway you can’t come home
Your dad has let your room.

So now I am a sailerboy
A serving out at sea
A ruffy tuffy deck ape
There’s none so fine as me

So listen all you newbies
Don`t be one in a crowd
Come join the Royal Navy
And make your mother proud.