Navy Net - Royal Navy Community

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Amendment To 4th Edition Of UK Forces' (Iraq) SOPs...


War Hero
Book Reviewer

1. Household Cavalry.
Regard IED with haughty disdain and rustle Daily Telegraph angrily. Maintain presence of IED in Knightsbridge is "absolutely preposterous". Return to regimental main effort of defending Central London from the roundheads.

2. Cavalry.
Declare IED as best thing since tinned champagne, hold impromptu Pimms party to celebrate. Declare subsequent IED detonation as even more "wizard prang", extend Pimms party and incorporate mandatory drinking of champagne from remains of IED as regimental custom for next 300 years.

3. Brigade of Guards.
Reduce words-of-command and halting in quick time to a minimum. Deploy No.1 fatigue party in close-order to polish IED to acceptable standard, followed by No.2 fatigue party to paint IED blue-red-blue and swab immediate area. IED detonated by massed bands. Deploy 2 x Battalions- worth of fatigue parties to swab resulting mess.

4. Armoured Infantry.
Fail to see IED. Crush IED. On realising error, detract attention by initiating faked contact against nearest dwelling using all available weapon systems. Hide remains of IED in sidebin.

5. Light-Role Infantry.
Find IED. Fail to find solution to IED due to environmental differences to Salisbury Plain. Attempt cordon operation and set a new world record for miles of mine tape used. Withdraw to COB under cover of mine tape.

6. Parachute Regt.
Decide IED is a "hat". Deploy most junior paratrooper to "crack the hat's skull". Call the junior paratrooper a "hat" when he gets blown up by IED. Remind all others that they are "hats" because they weren't there.

7. Royal Marines.
Declare that IED is "hoofing". Get junior men naked with IED as an initiation. Turn IED into an improvised free-weight for bench pressing. Indent for extra, extra supplementary rations from "the galley". Hoofing.

8. Special Air Service (SAS).
Deploy bearded men 200km behind IED using HALO-Landrover-Submarine insertion. Tab into area of IED and capture IED alive. Smuggle IED out in burka and extract to UK. Write a book per team member, all with hugely differing accounts of the OP.

9. Special Boat Service (SBS).
Get into black rubber suits. Steal IED as above. Construct black rubber suit for IED. Move to a special swimming pool and do bad, bad things with black-rubber-coated-IED. Turn on wave machine and let things get properly nasty. Be very grateful for UKSF non-disclosure policy.

10. Special Reconnaissance Regt (SRR).
Dig hole in ground to hide in. Proceed to watch IED for ten days to make association to Bravos. Divert entire Brigades assets onto tasking. Manage to maintain dignity when informed three weeks later that it's a small rock and not an IED.

11.Royal Artillery.
Level entire area ten square kilometres around IED. IED still functional. Repeatedly remind everyone that artillery neutralizes, it doesn't destroy. Create promotional video of IED neutralization with images of Apache and accompanying Tina Turner soundtrack.

12. Medical Corps.
Send out a fit hottie to chat-up IED. Fit hottie lightly dabs a damp cloth over the IED to keep it cool and offers reassuring words. Ends up sleeping with IED before announcing undying love and marrying it. IED later detonates when it catches her in bed with an Irish Guards Private.

13. Royal Army Chaplains' Department.
Approach the IED preaching about The Lord, oblivious to having entered a come-on. Rounds from nearby insurgents pass over and around the Padre without harming him. IED attempts to detonate and fails as some mysterious force prevents it from engaging. IED is later found giving sermons to scared soldiers new into theatre.

14. Royal Engineers.
Destroy IED using charge with 10-times explosive content of IED. Build SQN bar in crater. Use second massive charge to blow second crater in which to build & celebrate opening of SQN bar/gym complex with BBQs every night for the rest of tour. IED appears on next SQN t-shirt.

15. Royal Signals.
IED self destructs to avoid WESTLANDS BOWMANISATION.

16. BFBS Radio DJs.
Send shout-out on BFBS Radio 1 to IED wishing it good luck and playing 'I Will Survive'. IED detonates out of shame and embarrassment.

17. Royal Military Police.
Issue IED with penalty fine of £1000 for loitering and not having FFD/Tourniquet/Morphine. IED detonates in anger and annoyance at the monkeys wasting its time. Surviving RMP's issue IED with penalty charge for littering.

18. Army Air Corps.
Identify ideal opportunity to prove AAC has an offensive role and is not just a taxi service. Launch TOW missile at IED. Missile fails due to armaments contract being given to cheapest bidder. Accept that was the AAC's only missile and disband.

19. Intelligence Corps.
Deny existence of IED to unit reporting IED, as they are not sufficiently cleared. Issue BG's with a list of int-based questions to ask IED. Study Q&A analysis and find two main results:

a. Suggest IED may detonate having studied trend analysis of previous IEDs;
b. Claim it's part of a come-on involving 400 insurgents and Iranian heavy-armour, as that's what the guy who cleans the toilets told them.

20. Div/Bde Headquarters.
Issue IED with a notification of controlled explosion. IED ignores/deletes message, as does the rest of theatre.

21. RLC.
Get pictures taken whilst posing next to IED with another Units GPMG. IED detonates due to someone making a video call on their mobile phone.

22. RAF.
Send the RFS out to investigate IED; fail to notice they never come back. RFS patrol later found upside down in a WMKII in a ditch, in Syria. Patrol Commander admits to being a 'bit unsure about his position', is informed his position is now 'Private'

23. Royal Navy.
Proclaim IED as a figment of the Army's imagination. Go on a Mediterranean cruise for 3 months. Come back to Middle East waters. Proclaim IED as a figment of the Army's imagination. (repeat indefinitely). Occasionally get taken hostage to relieve the monotony.

24. United States Army.
Send out a patrol in a Hummer with Rhino deployed, then send out a Spectre gunship to destroy the nearest local village in retribution for when it all goes horribly, horribly wrong.

25. Australian Army.
Threaten to withdraw entire countries assets from theatre as they heard a rumour there was an IED identified 50 miles south of their position. Demand hand-holding by other already over-stretched British units and then complain when we make them actively look for more IEDs'.

26. Romanian Army.
Confuse IED with their gibberish native tongue. Sign the IED onto their stores and attempt to make it part of their armaments supply due to under funding by a government that's abandoned them.

27. Danish Army.
Arrive in theatre and promptly invite IED to their camp to join in their BBQ and Drinks sessions held every night. Eventually starve to death as they'd forgot how to open their camp gates on account of having never left. IED detonates to attract attention and help.

28. Iraq Army.
Tip up five days after IED reported. Cordon area, remove IED. Corrupt elements of IA then move IED five hundred yards further along road and bury. Ensure MND(SE) that area is now clear.

29. Iraq Civilian.
Dig up IED, take to nearest MND(SE) post and attempt to sell IED. Upon refusal, attempts to sell IED to MJAM. MJAM take IED and bury it at target area. Civilian digs up IED, takes to nearest MND(SE) post and attempts to sell IED. And so on.

30. UK Aid Worker.
Show complete disregard for IED, fail to adhere to Foreign Office warnings on IEDs, pay no attention to MND(SE) briefs on IEDs and wonder what went wrong when their convoy gets destroyed by IED.

31. Security Contractor.
Use innocent civilian children to test road ahead of patrol for IEDs. When child finds IED, claim child is insurgent attempting a come-on and shoot child. And his family. And neighbours.

32. Private Contractor.
Find themselves lured to Iraq by greed. Make more money in a week than most soldiers do in a month. Laugh at poorly paid soldiers being blown up by IEDs. Expect MND(SE) to help when they get blown up by IED. Wonder why we don't respond.
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
MoD_RSS Coronavirus Act 2020 (Residential Tenancies: Protection from Eviction) (Amendment) (England) Regulations 2020: letter to local authorities MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Allocation of Housing and Homelessness (Eligibility) (England) (Amendment) Regulations 2020: letter to local authorities MoD News 0
H MOD Form 493 most recent amendment Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 4
MoD_RSS Building (Amendment) Regulations 2018: circular 03/2019 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Circular 010/2019: Firearms Regulations 2019 and the Firearms (Amendment) (No.2) Rules 2019 MoD News 0
T US First Amendment entitles the religious to picket funerals The Quarterdeck 1
soleil Channel 5: On Board Britain's Nuclear Submarine: Trident - Wednesday, November 4th 2020 - 9 PM Submariners 25
MoD_RSS UK National Statement at the Anti-Personnel Mine Ban Convention: 4th Review Conference MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Joint Statement at the 4th Round of Pakistan-UK Bilateral Consultations on Arms Control, Non-Proliferation and Disarmament MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Press release: Joint statement on 4th anniversary of Saudi intervention in Yemen MoD News 0
M PRNC ROSYTH 4th February 2019 Joining the Royal Navy 4
MoD_RSS Press release: Parole Board Chief Executive's Blog - 4th Edition - November 2018 MoD News 0
H Welbeck AIB 4th July Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 2
BFRS BFRS Catterick Careers Event - 4th September 2014 The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 5
BFRS The Blackpool Defence & Security Career Event – 4th July 2013 The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
wet_blobby May the 4th..... Diamond Lil's 27
MoD_RSS News story: 4th Mechanized Brigade remembers its fallen MoD News 1
MoD_RSS News story: Parliament welcomes 4th Mechanized Brigade home from Afghanistan MoD News 1
scouse This day 4th April The Fleet Air Arm 4
BreathingOutOnTheWayUp S/M Memorial Remembrance Parade Sun 4th Nov Submariners 2
janner 4th wedding Miscellaneous 0
soleil HMS Collingwood Open Day And 2011 Royal Navy Field Gun Competition - 4th June 2011 Bases / Shore Est 7
A April 4th redundancy numbers. Finance & Pensions 5
soleil Lockheed: $3.5 Billion Contract Awarded For 4th Lot Of F-35s The Fleet Air Arm 5
Countyroadkopite RNAC -HMS CALEDONIA 4th october Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 22
M H4H Comedy Night - Battersea 4th March - CANCELLED Charity 2
dabbzie PJFT Monday Jan 4th Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 84
soleil Big, Bigger, Biggest: Channel 5 - 8 pm - 4th August 2009 Submariners 2
C 4th July Current Affairs 19
C Potential officer candidates course this Feb 4th ???? Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 6
W passed my check! 4th November !:):D Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 4
W Anyone going November 4th? Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 17
W Off to Raleigh - 4th Nov - Quick ( stupid ) question! Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 37
golden_rivet RUSI event on Royal Canadian Navy - 4th May History 6
S New 4th Manoeuvre Unit announced The Corps 98
D The Thames Trail Challenge Walk Sunday 4th June 2006 Charity 0
MoD_RSS Notes on neighbourhood planning: edition 25 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Edition 23: News from the Adjudicator MoD News 0
MoD_RSS GAD publishes 8th edition of the Ogden Tables MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Edition 22: News from the Adjudicator MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Notes on neighbourhood planning: edition 24 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Edition 21: News from the Adjudicator MoD News 0
soleil FB: Navy News: February 2020 Edition Now On Sale The Fleet 3
MoD_RSS Vaccine update: issue 303, December 2019, PCV special edition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Vaccine update: issue 302, November 2019, virus special edition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Edition 20: News from the Adjudicator MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Vaccine update: issue 300, October 2019, bug special edition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Vaccine update: issue 299, September 2019, flu special edition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Notice of correction to Approved Document B 2019 edition: Circular 03/2019 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Notes on neighbourhood planning: edition 23 MoD News 0
Similar threads

Latest Threads