AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by janner, Sep 22, 2008.

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  1. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

    1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

    2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

    3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

    4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

    5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

    6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

    7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

    8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

    9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

    DAILY THOUGHT:
    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
     
  2. When holding a barbecue, place a bucket of manure on the table to keep flies away from the food.
     
  3. Why waste money on expensive binoculars ?Just stand closer to the objects you wish to see!
     
  4. Taxi drivers, go to the garage and get your indicators checked so the rest of us roadusers know where the fcuk you are going.
     
  5. Or invite a traveller and his family and stand them at the bottom of the garden
     
  6. Use the guaranteed next day parcel deliveries to deliver food to Africa.
     
  7. Want to extract revenge for all the trouble your kids put you through?
    Here's a jolly jape.
    If you are OLD and still have all your marbles, when you next visit
    their home, wear several old bin-bags and nack-all else, when eating
    the Sunday Roast - ensure that large rivers of molten food dribble
    from the corners of your mouth, then go into the lounge, take a dump
    on their new DFS three piece reclining suite - march out of the house
    and stand at the nearest bus stop yelling "There's an Atom Bomb in
    my sons/daughters fridge!".
    Watch their faces light up as, in a (rare) lucid moment, you whisper,
    "I'm leaving all my money, and the house to The Cats and Dogs Home!"

    Hey Presto! Its off to the Rest Home for you....but only you know that
    you don't REALLY have Alzheimers. The jokes on them!
     
  8. Annoy your neighbours by buying the same TV as them. Stand outside their house changing channels.

    Old people, really floor your accelerator, screech your tyres and get out of that junction quickly to avoid getting stuck behind the approaching fast car. Then drive at 20 MPH.

    Pretend to be deaf by ignoring requests to help with washing up and turning the TV volume up full.
     

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