All compartments check for leaks?

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by BillyNoMates, Dec 7, 2010.

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  1. Wikileaks? Pah!!! I urinate on your pathetic Wikileaks.
    Now THESE are the type of leaks we want to see:-


    www.WankiLeaks.com
    -------------------------

    Documents, E-Mails, Government Circulars, classified correspondence and various other stuff "Undeleted" from a crate full of old computer hard drives recently discovered in a builders skip behind The Avondale public house in Plymouth, Devon.

    Format C/:delete everything............... sometimes just 'aint good enough.


    ================================================
    WankiLeak Number 1.
    ------------------


    From: Nuclear Disposal Agency (SouthWestArea)-NDA-1(Ops)
    Sent: (Date removed)
    To: CEO Sellafield Proj-1 team
    Subject: Old submarine nuclear reactors (Operation Hot-stuff).

    F.A.O. (Name deleted) Ref: E-mail dated ******* (Costings for disposal).

    Further to my brief held in ****** at ****** *** it was agreed that, as a cost saving exercise, all old nuclear reactors would be fly-tipped at various construction projects in the South West area of operations. In order to maintain a database on the location of these items, should any radioactive leaks occur, please refer to the location data as set out below. All construction project managers and sub-contracted builders are now in receipt of their back-handers, (as agreed and in accordance with the Government White Paper No. Nuc/001/Disp/Final dated *************) and all outstanding reactors and their fuel rods were
    successfully "relocated" over the Bank Holidays for the year **** when all sites were unoccupied, save for a lone security guard in a small caravan. Dump areas were selected on a risk-assessed basis, where it was considered that the birth of mutant children or any notable increase in
    terminal illness statistics would not cause any undue concern to the local population or generate interest in the media. Please delete this E-mail once action has been taken.

    (1). Reactor Nos. Nuc(00001)/Nuc(00002) - buried under Aldis supermarket, North Prospect,
    Plymouth, Devon. Date of interment ************. Depth 10 feet, sealed in Clingfilm and placed in large cardboard box. Radioactive half-life = 1,000 years. Main monitoring area = Fruit and Vegetable displays at rear of shop. (Levels to be recorded by secret shoppers twice per year).
    (2). Reactor Nos. Nuc(00003)/Nuc(00004) - Stored behind a stud partition wall in the cellar of *Ali Babas Fish and Kebab Restaurant*, Crownhill, Plymouth. Additional radioactive shielding installed at the request of the owner (10mm plasterboard + 2 coats of Dulux Magnolia Matt
    paint). Monitoring not required as owner will check the fridges in front of the wall for any "anomalies" in his stock of frozen Kebab meat and report using telephone numbers provided.
    Radioactive half-life is not available for this unit.

    Operation Hot-stuff is ongoing and has returned a saving of £***************** for the fiscal years
    **** to ****. Further sites are being investigated for future disposal of old reactors and their Uranium fuel rods. The outdoor childrens play area of *Little Rascals Day Nursery*, Devonport, is being considered and the owner has been approached with what is considered to be a fair
    offer. We have promised to minimise the period of closure and also guaranteed the installation of a complete set of wooden swings, round-a-bouts, slides and an outdoor paddling pool on top of the reactor disposal site, once the obselete equipment has been buried underneath a nice layer of bark chippings.

    I will keep you informed,

    Regards,


    ************** (Team Manager and Operational Support).

    ================================================
    WankiLeak Number 2.
    ------------------

    ^Inter Government Chatroom (Secure)^
    LoginStatus (2) online guest (1)

    (Partial extract of chatroom input dated *************. (Remainder corrupt).

    begins/

    1134pm.10downingstreet: hello? its quiet in here tonight
    1135pm.Argentinapresident: hello there in england mate! how are you and things?
    1136pm.10downingstreet: hello pal. long time no speak. Bit bored now so i thought I'd log in
    1137pm.Argentinapresident: LOL good to speak its cold in england now bet you wish you were here!
    1138pm.10downingstreet: f***ing too right mate. what with all these f***ing students going off on one and all the other b*llocks thats been happening. could do with a holiday
    1140pm.Argentinapresident: LOL i know how it is mate. i relax and unwind by sending my death squads round the shanty towns to do a bit of government sponsored culling. makes me feel better in the long run
    1141pm.10downingstreet: :) :) :) Nice one. Hows the wife?
    1142pm.Argentinapresident: shes okay. went shopping yesterday. spent half the countrys budget in the new superdrug thats just opened. I'll have to put some taxes up
    1143pm.10downingstreet: LMAO. Every f***er is moaning that their f***ing skint here. Just written off my three mortgages to the british taxpayer though so ive got some spare money for christmas shopping
    1145pm.Argentinapresident: You got to have some perks in the job mate
    1146pm.10downingstreet: bloody right you have. sorry mate got to go. there's some bas*ard at the door with a petition to try and stop us closing down a couple of hundred residential homes and raise the cold weather heating allowance for the old c*nts. BRB
    1147pm.Argentinapresident: can you wait a minute please. understand you got some aircraft carriers and some sea harriers and other warships going spare. Any takers yet?
    1148pm.10downingstreet: no. cant f*cking shift them. looks like I'll have to get them broke up and flogged on for scrap
    1150pm.Argentinapresident: how about i wire you a bankers draft for £************************ and you can knock them out to me then? Pass them through with an End Users Certificate saying they are going to India or somwhere to be scrapped. i shall bung in a few extra quid to make it worth your while
    1151pm.10downingstreet: f*cking ace mate! Will sort out all the paperwork with my Armed Forces Minister in the morning. You not going to use them to get the Falklands back are you?
    1152pm.Argentinapresident: LOL LOL LOL Of course not mate not with the way you lot are stretched for military involvement at the moment you can trust me mate
    1153pm.10downingstreet: ok then will get it sorted cheers mate gets me out of a bit of a jam. Byeeeeeeeeee

    1155pm.(User: 10downingstreet - has left the room)

    1159pm.Argentinapresident: Hi there? guest can you sign in then?

    0001am.(User: Spanishpresidente - has entered the room)

    0002am.Spanishpresidente: hello?
    0003am.Argentinapresident: listen. when we have finished shelling the Falklands into surrender with our royal navy cast offs do you want to rent them from us and bomb the the shit out of Gibraltar then?
    0004am.Spanishpresidente: Cool. how much you asking?



    ***remainder deleted (unrecoverable)***

    ends/

    ================================================

    WankiLeak Number 3.
    ------------------

    Level 8, Zone K
    MOD, Main Building,
    Whitehall
    London SW** 2**

    Dated *******************

    Dear Sir,

    Following an Armed Forces "Think-Tank" briefing on ************ the board members have come up with an idea to increase the British Military presence in Afghanistan which will not predjudice the cuts recently anounced in the SDSR (2010).
    From January 2011 all members of the Salvation Army shall be "conscripted" at the earliest opportunity, given a SA-80 and flown to Afghanistan (Camp Bastion) on the first available flight.
    EasyJet have tendered for the contract and are looking good to be awarded it subject to the outcome of a costing meeting with TLB holders after the Christmas holiday. HM Government is drafting an "emergency posting order bill" which will effectively strip away the rights of The Salvation Army not to bear arms and just rattle tins and sing Christmas carols in high street shopping centres. As they consider themselves to be in fact, an army - then they must also be considered eligible to serve on the front line alongside their fellow brethren from the Territorial Army.
    This will effectively give the front line an increase in manpower of more than 450% and should ensure that we, as a nation are seen to be doing our bit.
    I fully expect that there will be some "fallout" from this initiative but The Salvation Army can no longer hide behind an assortment of trombones, trumpets, tubas and clarinets, claiming just to be messengers of God. Basic training will be given to all Salvation Army troops once in theatre and they can then be sent out on patrols as necessary.
    We fully appreciate that the average age of this new influx of troops will be approximately 88 years - but it will vastly increase the British presence in Afghanistan, and we are also taking steps to make them bring their own transport. In light of this, a fleet of C-130 Transport aircraft have been chartered to take out (as yet) an unknown number of mobility scooters, motor homes, Austin Princess variants and various Volvo/Caravan combinations.
    We hope this will be of help. Any queries or questions, please contact me on 01*** ****** and leave a message after the beep.

    Yours Sincerely,


    (Name deleted)

    ================================================


    WankiLeak Number 4.
    ------------------

    From:C.I.A. Headquarters, Langley, Virginia (Black-Ops Alfa)-S1
    Sent: (Date removed)
    To: (Name removed) Interrogation Team Leader-MI5,London
    (Copy to);Waterboard IPT Barrow-in-Furness.
    Subject: Closure of W.B.T.F. (UK)

    Ref: E-mail (Closure of W.B.T.F.) dated ******* 2010 (see attachment).

    Sir,

    I have been informed that HM Government, Great Britain intends to close the Water Boarding Training Facility, set up in the abandoned Woolworths shop in Barrow-in-Furness with immediate effect. This CIA/MI5/NSA Training facility was set up (as agreed) between our two great nations in the hope that it would extract valuable information from suspected terrorists that should have attended the facility over the past few months. I understand that it has only been used on British nationals who are suspected of making false claims for Disability Living Allowance, Disabled Blue Badge Car Parking Permits and Council Tax Benefits.
    This use of the facility was not in the original contract and seeing as you are shutting it down, I respectfully request the return of all American owned equipment on site at the earliest opportunity.
    Have a nice day.

    Yours truly,

    Hiram A. Hackensacker the third (Head of Covert Black Operations - CIA, Langley)

    ===============================================
     
  2. Quite brilliant!!

    Falklands one was a bit too close to the mark though :roll:
     
  3. Billy, Is the Avondale still there?. I have'nt been to Guz for 40 yrs, yangtze_sailor06
     
  4. Epic stuff Billy. :D
     
  5. Avondale is still going although the dockyard gate opposite is only pedestrian access now.
     
  6. Do they still get their t1ts out!?!?!
     
  7. Believe so but only on designated days. I've not been in there for ages and, TBH, the ones on watch when I last went in there made me appreciate the Mrs a lot more if you know what I mean.
     
  8. Fair one. I remember the one full of gash tats! Fcuking frightening.
     
  9. =============================================================================
    WankiLeak Number 5.
    ------------------

    Disposal Services Agency
    Bldg H9
    Ploughley Road
    ******
    ******
    ******
    ******
    OX* 2**

    Date *********** 2010


    F.A.O. Fleet Hq MP 1-4 Leach Bldg Whale Island, Portsmouth (OC Ship(disp)-1A1)
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    To who it may concern,

    With regard to the DSA (Disposal) Internet Web Site page listing the sale and disposal of HMS INVINCIBLE, it gives me some pleasure to inform you that the Disposal Services Agency has received an on-line bid that was validated and agreed on ******** 2010. The bid somewhat exceed our expectations for such an elderly ship and taking into account the vessels current state - it was literally an offer we could not refuse.
    You will have noted that I have said that this E-sale of one surplus Royal Navy warship gives me [quote[ some pleasure [unquote], because, after making further enquiries re: the winning bidders credentials, it has been ascertained that we have sold HMS INVINCIBLE to Mister KIM JONG IL - the "dear leader" of the Peoples Republic of North Korea.
    I appreciate that the United Kingdom and the United States of America are not too fond of North Korea (or Kim Jong Il for that matter), but seeing as the sale was all perfectly legal and the money is already in the MOD's offshore bank account - I was wondering if we could find some sort of "work-around" and get INVINCIBLE out to North Korea A.S.A.P. without our American allies finding out.
    Could we not "disguise" it somehow to look like an old tramp steamer and get it towed out there at night? Perhaps stowing INVINCIBLE inside another much larger ship is a possibility, and then it could be transported to North Korean waters without the Americans being any the wiser.
    We have fourteen days from now to arrange delivery of these goods to Mister Kim Jong Il, c/o The Peoples Revolutionary Naval Dockyard, Gok Wan Street, North Korea, or he wants his money back.
    I await your reply.


    Yours Faithfully,

    ********************** (For Disposal Services Agency).

    ===============================================
    WankiLeak Number 6.
    ------------------

    Following are extracts from text messages that were intercepted between off-coming and on-going watchkeepers at: C.E.R.N.E. (The Large Hadron Collider Project), Switzerland.
    Time: 09:46 GMT 8th December 2010

    * * * * * *

    To; 4401 ****** *********

    Mning steve. cu uptop waiting 4 a relief m8
    :)

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    Hang on Frank. W8ting 4 the lift 2 cum up LOL
    :-(

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    JESUS CHRST!!!! the subatomic prticls hav collided a bit much M8

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    wots up then. u gotta problm down ther?

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    oh fuuuuucccckkkkkkk thers a fookin quasar goin thru the hole in the flor! :-(

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    what! m8 still w8ting 4 the lift up here LOL

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    Arrrrrggghhhhhhhhh its all over :-( rekun we got about till sunday b4 the earth implodes

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    stop takin the piss m8 you want a relief or wot ?

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    :-( :-( :-( get the fook out M8 go an give the wife a shag 4 me plz? im off 2 get pissed me

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    steve? steve? the grounds shakin up here a bit WTF WTF :-( :-( :-O

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    the bastads hav gon and dun it the bastads hav gon an dun it

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    steve? o 4ck u mate off for a breakfast down the caff. lift must be 4cked. CUL

    To; 4401 ****** ******

    didnt u see wot i txtd u u simp???? wer all fokkin doomed M8 yearrrghhhhhhhhhhhh :-<

    (No further incercepts recorded)

    ===============================================
     
  10. The office of UK Homeland Security,
    The big grey and brown building
    London

    (Date as postmarked)


    To all area Chief Constables England, Scotland, Wales and N. Ireland,

    Dear all,

    Following a major review of how we deal with the ongoing terrorist threat to the United Kingdom, please find enclosed amendment No HL/Sec/0003(Terrorist Watch List). This amendment should be incorporated into the current document that should be read by all serving members of the Security Services and Police Forces who are qualified to carry arms or are part of Armed Rapid Response Units. It appears that the original amendment HL/Sec/0002 was misinterpreted and therefore this new amendment should clear up any further misunderstandings. The original amendment included the words quote *TAKE OUT* unquote - which could have possibly caused some confusion.

    Page B2 Line 15 of List of Terrorist Suspects who can be shot in line with current Rules of engagement.


    DELETE: Brazilian plumbers/gas fitters/electricians

    Yours truly,



    ****************
     

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