Airline Jokes: Quantas

Discussion in 'The Quarterdeck' started by Obelix, Jan 15, 2007.

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  1. Just had to go change my undies after reading these:

    [/quote]After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
    the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

    By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in the cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on backorder.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: The number 3 engine is missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one saved for last......

    P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget.
  2. I remember the time the plane was hijacked.

    The hijacker burst into the cabin and said to the Capt.

  3. You know you're in a Cessna because the bird strike comes from behind
  4. Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?

    A: He’ll tell you.

    Q: How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?

    A: Because he says: “Thats enough about flying, let’s talk about me”!

    Q: What’s the purpose of the propeller?

    A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don’t think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
  5. Pure class, nearly needed a chnage of undercrackers myself!!
  6. Queer And Nasty Take Another Service
  7. I am sure that the only reason that Quantas have not had any accidents is because Pontias is the Senior Pilot.
  8. "Queers And Nymphomaniacs Travel Australian Style"

    TWA "Transport W-gs Anywhere"
    BEA "Britains Excuse for a Airline"
    BOAC "Better On A Camel"
    BA "Bugger All"

    Showing my age.

  9. Q: What is the difference between a U.S. Marine pilot and God?

    A: God doesn't think he's a pilot!

    Semper Fi!
    Love the RM's, wanted to be one when we lived in Ipswich, but they wouldn't take Yanks at 17 ! Wanted to go raise some hell when Cuban missile crisis was going, but old man (USAF Colonel at RAF Wattisham) wouldn't let me sign up. So signed up with US Marines instead 4 months later when we got back stateside (the colonies :wink: ). Wound up in the Air Wing flying choppers.
  10. I heard 'Queer And Nice Tasty Airline Stewards'

  11. Were you flying crabair at the time

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