Airborne Flatulence Any answers?

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by slim, Nov 18, 2006.

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  1. Don't know why but whenever I fly I suffer with flatulence. Now I am known for being able to expel wind, but get me at 30000 feet and suddenly I become jet propelled. At check in I always ask for an aisle seat so that I can get to the loo, however if its engaged sometimes I just got to let rip.
    Any other sufferers (stand fast the passengers travelling in my vicinity) with this affection? Any advice on flatulence control (no corks up bum please) listened to
  2. Thers not much you can do.its all to do with the pressurisation of the cabin at altitude.Try wearing an S6 or S10 respirator.(or maybe thats not such a good idea)

    I may suggest that youmake it really worthwhile and have several tins of beans or a curry beforehand! :lol: :lol: :lol:
  3. Thought thats what it might be, perhaps I should get some respirators for the people around me. Don't need the beans or curry though, guess I'm self inflating
  4. When you said "Airborne flatulance" i thought you were referring to some of the Dits our maroon hated friends come out with!! Agression, agression, kill, kill!!
  5. its not maroon,its CERISE! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  6. It was supposed to read hatted but maybe i was right the first time!! Cerise MMM. :) Does anyone remember the T-shirts that the R.M used to wear reading "God is Airborne" on the front? ON the back it read "He failed the Commando course" yes i did own one!! :lol: :lol:
  7. Be loud and proud!

    If they don't like it, tell 'em to take deep breaths

    The smell will go dissipate faster.
  8. Ground ginger smeared around the exit! scared sh*tless to fart in case theres a vacuum
  9. Have a good laxative the day before you fly

    You'll be holding back cos you might just follow through . :lol: :lol:

    I think there was an article recently where a German was removed from a
    flight cos he was causing bad smells :lol:
  10. What and nobody mentioned a cork stands back in amazement.

    Ex US Marine corp buddy always tells me a fart is nearer to a crap so he don't fart.

    I have this thing if I am standing next to the heads I am fine put me on a coach with no relief station and within minutes I am cross eyed.

    Yes I know mind control glass hopper
  11. Go the whole hog and block the stern tube up with a finger of peeled ginger :twisted:
  12. Many thanks for your advice guys, but I would like to remind you that my arse is for exit use only. Nothing gets inserted, corks, ginger roots and especially no ginger beers
  13. I confess to suffering from the same disorder - though usually in bed at night! It's a good thing I'm single! My GP suggested NOT to eat any vegetables or fruit or fibre EVER! So much for the healthy portions. It works - but I've reverted to my 5 portions and farting.

    Remember it a natural bodily process. Just make sure you don't book a seat near smokers, or you'll ignite the whole plane! :lol:
  14. I find it paticularly convenient, to let one go, then stare at the person next to you, if in a queue, say at asda, it is prudent to stare at a person and in a loud clear voice say "my god, thats disgusting" then walk away, the smell will linger where you have been.
  15. I let one rip in an hotel lift once. I got out at the third floor and my mate got out with me. I asked him what the problem was as he was on the 6th floor, as an ex submariner he should been able to survive a fart. He cheerfully explained to me that it wasn't surviving the fart that was the problem, he was worried someone might get in the lift at the next floor and think that he had dropped it!
  16. Two tips. Never eat a curry the night before. Also remember that when you are at 35000 feet the cabin will be presurised to about 8000 feet. The contents of your guts are still at ground level. Some thing has to give and it will. You will all do it. It's just that some farts smell and some don't, much. My other tip, make sure the punka louvre above your seat is turned on. This will help dissapate the offending gasses much quicker.
  17. Where ever you be, let your wind flow free. As my Old Grandmother used to say.
  18. Take charcoal tablets. No, not up your arse.
  19. Address Tae a Fart

    Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
    lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
    As ye sit doon amongst yer kin
    There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
    The neeps an' tatties an' mushy peas
    Stert workin like a gentle breeze

    But soon the puddin' wi' the sonsie face
    Will have ye blawin' a' ower the place
    Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
    A'bodys gonnae have tae pay
    Even if ye try tae stifle
    It's like a bullet oot o' a rifle

    Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
    Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
    Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
    Pray tae God it disnae reek
    But aw yer efforts gan asunder
    Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder

    Ricochets aroon' the room
    Michty me! A sonic boom
    God Almighty, it fairly reeks
    Hope I huvnae shit ma breeks
    Tae the bog I'd better scurry
    Ach, whit the hell, it's no ma worry

    A'body roon aboot me chokin'
    Yin or twa were nearly bokin'
    I'll feel better for a while
    Cannae help but raise a smile
    Wis him! I shout with accusin'glower
    Alas! Too late! He's just keeled ower

    Ye dirty bugger, they shout an' stare
    A didnae feel welcome ony mair
    Where e're ye be let yer wind gan free
    Sounds just like the job for me
    Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
    Ower the sake o' one wee farty

    Apologies to any Burns Fanatics!

    :D :D :D
  20. In my experience it's best to let them go the very second you get the urge as lurking around under pressure seems to add to the malodourous properties. I get very constipated when flying so rather than face my first few days of holiday 'bunged up' actually take a mild laxative (senna) for a couple of days before flying. Several holidays have been to India so obviously no need to take them after arrival :wink: :wink:

    Probably too much information above ...

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