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Agony Forum

Dear Winifred about your enquiry and the catching the boat up -well let your worries subside ,have no fear the RNR never go to sea so you will hardly be left on your own . The catching the boat up is an old naval saying that means your hard working hubby has been entered for a competition involving boats and will need all his spare energy to compete so he will probably be off sex for a while ----he will also possibly need to seperate his drinking and eating crockery and sleep alone aswell incase he catches some virus before the competition.


STD
Southampton
 
Dear Rum Ration,

Being a Greek God and well hung sort of guy, i have had no trouble pulling birds or even men for that matter, but last night this drop dead gorgeous girl came up to me in the club that i hang out in, and taking me by the arm led me to her Bentley Carmague and drove me to her mansion, where she proceeded to strip me, bathe me and led me to her bedroom where she laid me down on the black satin sheets covered in rose petals, she then proceeded to kiss me all over, she then sprayed my thingy with cream placed small pieces of fruit on it and around it and finished it off with a strawberry on top, i must confess, that it looked so nice, that i ate it myself, she then threw me out, tell me, where did i go wrong?

Yours

Gorgeous George

Garstang
 
Dear GG

Clearly you are a thoughtless git. Any gentleman worth his salt would have offered the young lady the nicely festooned article to feast on before resciprocating the arrangement on parts of her anatomy.

Really you should learn some manners, you are not fit to call yourself a sailor with manners like that.

Regards

Aunty Rum Ration
 
Dear Rum Ration,

Being of a very puny, weak and timid nature, or as my mummy calls me "a spotty little herbert" I find that i have no confidence with the opposite sex at all, although i am blessed in the sexual department and have recently won 102 million pounds on the euro lottery, how should i approach the fairer sex, Flashing my willie or flashing my wallet?

Yours

Simpering Sidney

Sidmouth
 
Dear Sidney,

Such advice isn't free I'm afraid, please submit a cheque made payable to myself, T C Bastard, for all reasonable expenses before I consider your problem in detail. On receipt of my cheque, say 25% of your winnings, I will be able to fully consider your will/wallet waving dilemma.

Yours

Thieving Cheating Bastard Esq
 
Dear Rum Ration,

Having heard of the Sailors Obsession with cleanliness and hygene, I wonder if you can help me, my wife is, in short, a manky cow, the house is filthy and is never cleaned, my clothes are unwashed and unironed, the seven dogs have mange and the sixteen cats are covered in fleas, the family goat and the childrens pet pigs stink the house out. Why, only this morning when i went for a slash in the sink, it was full of dirty dishes, hoping you can help with this dilemma.

Yours

Disgusted Donald

Doncaster
 
Dear Disgusted Donald,

You can hire the pristine, houseproud services of Matelots Unlimited (Messcleaningservicesforcivvies) for a modest fee. The RN require you to leave your home unoccupied for 72 hours and for you to give us carte blanc to do whatever is necessary to create the Minimalist Home of your dreams (or worse nightmare). ABs under training will scrub your floors and bulkheads, ABs skulking about onboard HMS Nelson will do the rest. Please leave lots of DVDs and pictures of heterosexual porn lying all over the place, several pounds of sliced ham, a dozen loaves of sliced bread, mustard, 25 Lbs cheddar cheese (grated please) and 48 ducks eggs and make sure the grill works...

Our fee is negitioable.

Contact

The Joss
HMS Nelson
The Coast
Blighty

e: [email protected]

Effing Tosser
Senior Rates Mess
Nelson
 
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

Having heard of the Sailors Obsession with cleanliness and hygene, I wonder if you can help me, my wife is, in short, a manky cow, the house is filthy and is never cleaned, my clothes are unwashed and unironed, the seven dogs have mange and the sixteen cats are covered in fleas, the family goat and the childrens pet pigs stink the house out. Why, only this morning when i went for a slash in the sink, it was full of dirty dishes, hoping you can help with this dilemma.

Yours

Disgusted Donald

Doncaster

Dear DDT,
sailors do not have an obsession with cleanliness,they just like to smell nice.And you clearly have a problem in that direction.
I would firstly throw the cow out,its no doubt shitting and pissing all over the kitchen floor,set the dogs on the cats,set the goat on the dogs and barbecue the pig.Give the goat to a passing goat herd on holiday from afganistan.
This should sort out most of your filthy house.But YOU need to be shrinked.

Dirty clothes are a sign of a dirty mind,think clean thoughts and head for the washing machine,Freda I think is her name.As for pissing in sink full of plates,you are either 8ft tall or your dick is 8ft long.You need help call me.

Yours Dr NOooo shrink to the stars.(back from me 'olidays )
 
Dear RR

I'm writing in the hope that you can help someone who has no formal education. I'm a janitor and my job is simple: I see something dirty in my building - it gets cleaned. This doesn't need much thought which is fine by me. What I'm wondering though, is how all these so called "highly qualified" design engineers can get away with making things that just don't work.

My main problem is when I go to the toilet. When I have a slash, I stand up at the urinals - no problem; but when I sit down for a dump, thats where my problems start. While the toilet probably works well for women with no dangly bits, for us men its lousy - no matter how I sit, I just can't keep my dick out of the water. I'm sure its the same for every other red-blooded man - what can we do fellas?

Soggily yours

J Thomas
 
Dear John Thomas,

I detect that you come from a long line of hairy arsed stokers from your intimate description of your faculties. Hammock adders evolved over many hundreds of years and because sailors traditionally used heads where the water was several yards below 'em, the problem you are experiencing wasn't a problem. On the other hand, having a long todger was useful when putting out fires on board in the days before pressurised fire extinguishers, when length was a true sign of daring manhood! The solution to your problem is simple. Chop the hammock adder in half. His head will no longer dip in the shit, your mates will no longer accuse you of being a brown hatter, your wife can use the decapitated end when you're away from home and your baby son can suck on it during his noisy spells.

Yours clinically,

Revd. Dick Pornopadre
 
FlagWagger said:
Dear RR

I'm writing in the hope that you can help someone who has no formal education. I'm a janitor and my job is simple: I see something dirty in my building - it gets cleaned. This doesn't need much thought which is fine by me. What I'm wondering though, is how all these so called "highly qualified" design engineers can get away with making things that just don't work.

My main problem is when I go to the toilet. When I have a slash, I stand up at the urinals - no problem; but when I sit down for a dump, thats where my problems start. While the toilet probably works well for women with no dangly bits, for us men its lousy - no matter how I sit, I just can't keep my dick out of the water. I'm sure its the same for every other red-blooded man - what can we do fellas?

Soggily yours

J Thomas

Dear John Thomas,
You have been aptly named,but badly constructed.A bit of redesigning is called for.For most men the problem you encounter does not occur,as a one off, special requirements are needed for you.

A penis plate placed at the front of the toilet bowl will provide a resting place for your oversized organ and you can defacate without getting your willy wet.I wiil consult with my fellow shrinks as to a more permanant solution, and advise you in due course.

Dr NOooo shrink to the stars.
 
Dear Rum Ration,

I recently purchased a Black Labrador Gundog, its a beautiful animal and it it is certainly an excellent Gundog, it has already brought back an Uzi a Smith and Wesson hangun, last night it brought home a twelve bore Shotgun, my question is, will I need a license?

Yours

Gilbert the Gimp

Gillingham
 
Dear Rum Ration,

As a frustrated pilot, who can no longer afford the high cost of flying, I've decided to build my own airplane. After nearly 3 hours of research and hard work, I've constructed the Thundering Chicken-MK1, constructed using a broken BBQ grill, spare hoover parts, a washer motor and several sheets of soggy plywood I found in my neighbors yard.
My dilemma is this:
Due to his small stature, light weight and fearless nature, I've elected to use my 7 year old grand-nephew as test pilot for its maiden flight. However, his mother (my niece) seems to think that this is a bad idea, and that the aircraft might be unsafe! i've tried to reason with her, explaining that I am a highly experienced pilot, and I even read the "Theory of flight" thread in the FAA forum at least twice. Alas, she refuses to be swayed. What can I do to resolve this family crisis, and get back into the air where I belong?

Yours truly,

Wilbur "TopGun" Aerosmith

Dry Hump, South Dakota
USA
 

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