Agony Forum

FlagWagger

GCM
Book Reviewer
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

Our local Council has recentley installed Speed Bumps along our street, this is misinformation as they do not work, if anything, they slow you down, as a result my car is very badly damaged, I have written to the Council but had no reply, can you help?

Yours, Harry Hotrod

Woking
Dear 'arry,

The obvious answer is that you're travelling too slowly; you need to find the ideal speed which will lead to your car using the speed bump as a take off ramp and becoming airborne; you'll also need to aim to land just in front of the following take-off ramp. Ideally your sopeed should be such that you hit the following take-off ramp just as your suspension is decompressing following your landing, thus using some of this energy to assist your next launch and saving you fuel into the bargain.

Obviously, this mode of driving will require some modifications to your vehilce - I'll be happy to supply you with the high-performance spring and shock-absorber sets necessary for the uprated suspensions and we can put you in contact with a supplier of turbo-charger and nitrous injection systems.

Yours insincerely

Kev
 

imom1406

War Hero
FlagWagger said:
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

Our local Council has recentley installed Speed Bumps along our street, this is misinformation as they do not work, if anything, they slow you down, as a result my car is very badly damaged, I have written to the Council but had no reply, can you help?

Yours, Harry Hotrod

Woking
Dear 'arry,

The obvious answer is that you're travelling too slowly; you need to find the ideal speed which will lead to your car using the speed bump as a take off ramp and becoming airborne; you'll also need to aim to land just in front of the following take-off ramp. Ideally your sopeed should be such that you hit the following take-off ramp just as your suspension is decompressing following your landing, thus using some of this energy to assist your next launch and saving you fuel into the bargain.

Obviously, this mode of driving will require some modifications to your vehilce - I'll be happy to supply you with the high-performance spring and shock-absorber sets necessary for the uprated suspensions and we can put you in contact with a supplier of turbo-charger and nitrous injection systems.

Yours insincerely

Kev
Also the extra speed should help you avoid the irresponsible children playing games in the street.
\
 

brigham600

War Hero
FlagWagger said:
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

Our local Council has recentley installed Speed Bumps along our street, this is misinformation as they do not work, if anything, they slow you down, as a result my car is very badly damaged, I have written to the Council but had no reply, can you help?

Yours, Harry Hotrod

Woking
Dear 'arry,

The obvious answer is that you're travelling too slowly; you need to find the ideal speed which will lead to your car using the speed bump as a take off ramp and becoming airborne; you'll also need to aim to land just in front of the following take-off ramp. Ideally your sopeed should be such that you hit the following take-off ramp just as your suspension is decompressing following your landing, thus using some of this energy to assist your next launch and saving you fuel into the bargain.

Obviously, this mode of driving will require some modifications to your vehilce - I'll be happy to supply you with the high-performance spring and shock-absorber sets necessary for the uprated suspensions and we can put you in contact with a supplier of turbo-charger and nitrous injection systems.

Yours insincerely

Kev
Dear Hotrod,

I can see my learned friends idea. However, should you invest in such equipment to enable this speed hump jumping game to be played, then I need to inform you that you will of course be subjected to airport tax. This is currently in the region of £10 per speed hump area.

This cost is to cover your 'flight' time and of course, ensuring that you stick to the correct air traffic flightpaths. There is, of course a chance that you may be able to claim some of your road tax back, as you will not actually be using said road. However, as always with any local government, you have no flipping chance. Mwaahhhahaaa

I hope to hear from you soon regarding this matter.

Regards

Mone' Grabber
 

WarMonger

War Hero
Dear Auntie Rum Rat,

I have recently become addicted to a chat forum..!!

The forum is affecting every aspect of my life to the point I dont know how much more I can take..

My boss is threatening to fire me cause Im not getting any work done, I havent eaten for days as I cant pull myself away from my laptop to go to MacDonalds and worst of all I think its affecting my love life!!...

Last night when I was making love to my partner she asked if I was enjoying it and I replied by posting the response on her forehead!!!

Help me!!!
 

FlagWagger

GCM
Book Reviewer
WarMonger said:
Dear Auntie Rum Rat,

I have recently become addicted to a chat forum..!!

The forum is affecting every aspect of my life to the point I dont know how much more I can take..

<snip>

Last night when I was making love to my partner she asked if I was enjoying it and I replied by posting the response on her forehead!!!

Help me!!!
Dear WarMonger

Reading the last part of your posting its apparent that you are still in the early stages of this affliction - if you had been severely affected, you would have been taking your partner from behind, using her upper back as a support for your portable computer.

RR
 
Dear Warmonger,

I too had the same problem,but i solved it in a manner that benefits all, I moved the computer to the bedroom, now when she is being shagged by her big black boyfriend, i can carry on with my addiction, hope this helps.

Thickasshit

Portsmouth
 
Dear Rum Ration,

My wife and I are both old age pensioners and are having a great deal of trouble with the yobs that hang around our home. One young lady has the temerity to visit our home every week to do my wifes hair and nails etc, she also has the cheek to give me free haircuts, while others of her like are always mowing the lawn, doing the gardening, the decorating and even clean the car inside and out, they even take us shopping and fetch and carry for any little thing,We find this very patronizing, I wonder how we stand under scots law to prevent this sort of abuse, this sort of behaviour never existed when we were young, hoping that you can help.

Yours

Grandadgrumps and Grannygrief

Garmouth
 

harryaitch

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

My wife and I are both old age pensioners and are having a great deal of trouble with the yobs that hang around our home. One young lady has the temerity to visit our home every week to do my wifes hair and nails etc, she also has the cheek to give me free haircuts, while others of her like are always mowing the lawn, doing the gardening, the decorating and even clean the car inside and out, they even take us shopping and fetch and carry for any little thing,We find this very patronizing, I wonder how we stand under scots law to prevent this sort of abuse, this sort of behaviour never existed when we were young, hoping that you can help.

Yours

Grandadgrumps and Grannygrief

Dear old'uns,dont despair,if you do the following you will never be bothered by these interfering busybodies again.
Firstly fit steel doors back and front,five door bolts on each one.Put bullet proof glass on all the windows,tinted so you can only see out.Sell the car and hire securicor to go shopping.sow landmines in the garden and video the results of social workers being blown to bits and send it to the council. 8)

If the police come round shoot 'em,thats why I live in brixton we dont 'ave any problems :lol:
 
Dear Rum Ration,

I am a 28 year old stunning blonde with a university first class honours degree in quantum mechanics, yesterday was the happiest day of my life, I walked down the aisle at our local church, kissed my husband and gently closed the lid, how can i celebrate my new found freedom?.

Yours in Anticipation

Flirty Florrie

Falmouth
 

mazza_magoo

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

I am a 28 year old stunning blonde with a university first class honours degree in quantum mechanics, yesterday was the happiest day of my life, I walked down the aisle at our local church, kissed my husband and gently closed the lid, how can i celebrate my new found freedom?.

Yours in Anticipation

Flirty Florrie

Falmouth
Posting your phone number on here would be a good place to start....
 

harryaitch

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

I am a 28 year old stunning blonde with a university first class honours degree in quantum mechanics, yesterday was the happiest day of my life, I walked down the aisle at our local church, kissed my husband and gently closed the lid, how can i celebrate my new found freedom?.

Yours in Anticipation

Flirty Florrie

Falmouth
Dear oh dear,what a dilemma.With a name like flirty Florrie one tends to think the worst of you.New found freedom?,your husband in a coffin and your up for a celebration!.Are you sure you had nothing to do with his demise?,I suspect some dirty flirty deeds here and no mistake!!
No doubt the quantum mechanics are involved somewhere in this and I would suggest you part company with them as soon as possible and start a new life as a stunned redhead before the fuzz catch up with you.As they surely will.

Inspectre coffins.your next door neighbour at No22
 
Dear Rum Ration,

I was recently sorting out some old stuff in my attic and came across a black circular disc with a hole in the centre, is this a record?

Yours

Perplexed

Poole
 

harryaitch

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

I was recently sorting out some old stuff in my attic and came across a black circular disc with a hole in the centre, is this a record?

Yours

Perplexed

Poole
Perplexed?,I should say you are!Attics are for bats not people.And the object you have discovered is certainly not a record.All records were fitted with self destruct enzymes inserted by a company called mantovani in the late sixties and and non can be found anywhere in the world.
So what is your mystery object?

Its more than likely an instrument used by vicars in church belfreys to localise bat shit,as you know they crap everywhere.The disc can vary in size from 45 BPM (BATS PER MINUTE) TO 78 BPM,and the central hole varies according the species of bat.To use the disc suspend over a female bat tied to the bottom of the disc,this causes distress to the female , and the rest of the bats shit through the hole in the 48 or 78 to silence the the noisy twat.Result clean belfry.

sincerely Friar Fuck, church warden Upper Now method church.
 
Dear Rum Tarion,

Thank you trier fuck for your advice i will put it into immediate use as my house is full of batshit.

Yous Unperplexed

Poole
 

harryaitch

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Tarion,

Thank you trier fuck for your advice i will put it into immediate use as my house is full of batshit.

Yous Unperplexed

Poole
So is mine, :oops: thats why I write so much crap,it keeps dropping on me 'ead. :lol:
 
Dear Rum Ration,

My wife of nearly three months left me this morning just because i moved my boyfriend in, do all women have this arhcaic attitude or did i marry some old fashioned biddy?, I`m told its alright to be gay in todays society, which is fine with me as i wish to become a stoker in the Navy, what are my chances of promotion?

Yours

Mincing Micheal

Manchester
 

harryaitch

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,

My wife of nearly three months left me this morning just because i moved my boyfriend in, do all women have this arhcaic attitude or did i marry some old fashioned biddy?, I`m told its alright to be gay in todays society, which is fine with me as i wish to become a stoker in the Navy, what are my chances of promotion?

Yours

Mincing Micheal

Manchester
Dear Mincemick,firstly,your chances of promotion in the Navy as a stoker are excellent. Considering you are now batting for the brown hatter team golden rivets will be thrown up you by all and sundry.But beware, accept only those rivets from your fellow stokers,this will ensure rapid promotion to chief hairy stoker.
As for the wife and boyfriend I would part company with them,as two into one wont go and you could find yourself in a bit of a wrong hole.

Harry uppem.Stokers Union ,rivington at sea,scumthorpe.
 
Dear Harry Uppem,

I also have a chance of taking a Commission, would this be more beneficial towards my career? In anticipation,

Still Mincing

Manchester
 

brigham600

War Hero
Dear Still Mincing,

You say you are thinking of going for a commission. You are already well on your way, bearing in mind your mincing ways as this is an important part of the officer corps criteria. Most helpful for those long winter nights at Dartmouth.

What you will also need to consider are the following;

Loose all common sense, let everyone know that YOU are 'always' right, climb over all and sundry to get what 'you' want, take yourself out of the team player equation, have no backbone what so ever, ponder over important decisions and then blame the Senior Rate.

If you can succesfully achieve one or two of those, you will make an excellent officer in the Royal Navy.
 

harryaitch

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Harry Uppem,

I also have a chance of taking a Commission, would this be more beneficial towards my career? In anticipation,

Still Mincing

Manchester
Dear bestmince,you have no chance of becoming an 'awfficer as long as your arse points downwards,or in your case upwards.The only commission you will ever get is by selling the bog issue.

And why not you may ask.Well I,ll tell you.There are small pigs,medium pigs,and big pigs,being a big pig you wiil be telling the smaller versions of yourself what to do,while the smaller versions wiil take no notice of you and do want they want behind your back,and thats the crux of the matter,you will be so busy getting shafted from behind you will never be able to control yourself or the men under you.
BE A STOKER AND LIVE THE DREAM.

Regards Rear-Admiral Bottomly.C.D D.V.D and bar. (Alias Harry Uppem)
 
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