Agony Forum

imom1406

War Hero
Always_a_Civvy said:
Dear Rum Ration,

My husband's a professional sundodger. When he comes home on leave he climbs into bed in his overalls and keeps his smelly bats on. He refuses to wash and insists on having all the windows boarded up and only a small low wattage light on round the clock. I want to bonk him but he smells too bad. What do you recommend I do?

Yours hurt,

Faslane Rosie.

PS: I want lots of baby submariners crawling on the deck in their blue overalls
Dear Rosie

There is a treatment known as the submariners shower, which may help you....simple buy a low cost NAAFI spray anti-perspirant and while he is asleep, cover him liberally with it. Also perfumed talc blown up the trouser leg of his "ovies" with a Henry hoover on blow will stop sweaty chafeing too.

Good luck!
 

SILVER_FOX

War Hero
Interesting to note that the advertisements now show up as "God Loves Sailors" and "Military Gifts". It's so tempting and difficult to resist but must be good.

I think God isn't the only one who loves sailors, eh Always?

SF
 
Dear Rum Ration,

My wife and I have been having problems with our sex life of late. I went to see a sex therapist who suggested that I should do something exciting for a change, so last night I took my shotgun to bed, when I thought the time was right , I fired the shotgun out of the bedroom window,the results were, my wife shit the bed, the bed collapsed damaging my back,and when we got up I found I had shot my prize Bull, my problem is will the Insurance Company pay out for the Bull?

Yours

Worried Farmer

Norfolk
 

dunkers

War Hero
Dear Worried Farter,

I suggest you call Claims Direct and make a compensation claim against the manufacturers of the shotgun. This will negate the need to claim on the insurance and with the compo you can buy the latest model of bull, which produces the highest quality bullshit yet. I hope this helps.

Regards

Cow Pat.
 
Dear Rum Ration,

Thank you for your assistance, on reflection, i think it would have caused less trouble if i had shot the wife.

Your Not so Worried now

Norfolk
 

brigham600

War Hero
Get the bull to shag the wife and then grab shotgun and blast the bull whilst on the job.

This will then be seen as a crime of passion and you will then be fully compensated to the cost of a new bull and the wife will have had a good time for at least 5 minutes.

Ensure you use both barrels of the shotgun as well.
 

harryaitch

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Miss Rum Ration,

I hope you can help me. My current boyfriend is rather large, down there if you know what i mean, so large i cant get my mouth round it,any advice would be appreciated.

Yours

Gobsmacked surrey.
Dear gobsmacked in a surrey, the easy answer is to shrink it before use.
Follow this procedure for a comfortable gobble.

Aproach the member whilst in the standing position,the member that is not you.As you attempt consumption grab his balls and squeeze very hard,two things will happen.First a loud agonising scream then the member will deflate,at this point insert said member into your mouth and enjoy.As the organ become rigid repeat the procedure.Beware you coud get a smack in the mouth the second time you do the ball trick.
Happy sucking.

Yours Henrietta Here.
 
SILVER_FOX said:
Interesting to note that the advertisements now show up as "God Loves Sailors" and "Military Gifts". It's so tempting and difficult to resist but must be good.

I think God isn't the only one who loves sailors, eh Always?

SF
Quite so, SF! :lol:
 
Dear Worried Farmer,

I'm surprised that you didn't bed the Bull and put out the wife the graze. Then when you shot her you could have claimed you were Bull-ied into action and claimed damages of at least £190,000 for injuring your pride and never being able to face appearing in public again wearing a farmer's smock.

Oh well, sure you can't help it!

Yours,

Disturbed Trick-Cyclist,
Bedlam.
 
D

Deleted 7

Guest
Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so
nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercings, tattoos, her skin-tight motorcycle clothes, and because she
is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's
pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a tiny trailer in
the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
You taught me well. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you
can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your son,

John

P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it
is safe for me to come home
 
Dear Rum Ration,
Im only 4`9" and my girlfriend is 6`5" my problem is that when we are in bed and we are nose to nose, my toes are in, when we are toes to toes my nose is in, can you help me so that I can get in.

Yours

Stumpy

Stockport
 
Dear Stumpy,

There are two solutions to your problem, both of which can be provided by Dr.Andy Haslar. The first is to chop your wife in half, the other, more sensible option is to elongate your problem area to that the wick can enter the nick.

Kind regards,

Father Belay.
 
Dear Andy,

My wife, Joanna, refuses to whip me with the cat o nine tails I was given when I left HMS Victory where I was the Joss. In the Andrew I just ordered ratings to flog me and they obeyed out of fear, but my wife refuses. Can you help?

Yours, Jilted Joss.
 

Salty-Dog

Lantern Swinger
higthepig said:
Dear Rum Ration,
Im only 4`9" and my girlfriend is 6`5" my problem is that when we are in bed and we are nose to nose, my toes are in, when we are toes to toes my nose is in, can you help me so that I can get in.

Yours

Stumpy

Stockport
Dear Stumpy

Stick a bucket over her head and swing from the handle.
 
Dear Rum Ration,

Our local Council has recentley installed Speed Bumps along our street, this is misinformation as they do not work, if anything, they slow you down, as a result my car is very badly damaged, I have written to the Council but had no reply, can you help?

Yours, Harry Hotrod

Woking
 

WarMonger

War Hero
Dear Rum Rationer,

As you clearly have no interest in the highway code my suggestion would that you try driving between the humps to avoid damage to your vehicle.

Please note however that the council takes no responsibility for any incident or further damage that may occur as a result of hitting oncoming cars whilst in the middle of the road.

Yours Sincerely

Hugh Engine
Traffic Management
 

brigham600

War Hero
Dear Hotrod,

Please continue to drive at speed over the humps as our newly installed picture taking device is ready in all respects to 'snap' you for posterity before we bang you up in jail for 2 years and thus enable us to let the rapists, muggers and ASBO types out.

Yours

I M A Gatso
 
Dear Rum Ration,

Perhaps these cameras will help me to prove my point that these Speed Bumps dont work and that me and my like are being misled,thank you

Harry Hotrod

Wking
 
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