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Agony Forum

Dear Rum Ration,

I recentley purcased a pencil (25p) from ACME, when i first used it, it rolled off my desk, upon retrieving it i bumped my head on arising, can i hold ACME responsible?


Spotty Herbert

Dear Herbert,
I suggest you obtain a Legal Breif and Sue the family of Sir Issac Newton.Its his fault as he invented Gravity.ACME are blameless on this occaision.


Sir Archibald Tweedle (RS)Bart
Dear Rum Ration,

I have mislaid my foot. I last saw it before I sat down to write this letter. The other foot is safety tucked, out of sight, under the desk.

Your assistance in relocating my missing foot would be most welcome.


Pompey Lawyer.

That will be £200 plus VAT please.
Dear pompey lawyer,
Refer you to Mrs McCartney-Mill legal eagles.She may have an idea!

Lord Ch Justice Rumpole
Old Bailey
Did a warning label come with the product advising that damage may be caused by misuse. if not then off you go to the good old USA and sue the pants off them.
After all some women got a settlement after putting her pet dog in the microwave to dry after washing it. Seems that the microwave company had not put a warning about live animals & microwaves in its litereature
Dear Rum Ration,

Whilst shopping recently at Tescos i purchased a Japanese Camera, when i got it home and pressed the shutter it went "crick"any technical help to solve the problem?


Baffled Benny

Dear Rum Ration

I appear to be the victim of identity theft. I find that some person is masquerading as me, noting that I have lost my leg. I haven't. It is here. I shall use them both to go shopping with today.

Sorry I digress, what can I do about the person pretending to be me? I know I am me because £200 plus VAT would not pay for my shopping exped.

Love the real Pompey Lawyer
Dear Rum Ration

I know I am me as well because I recognised myself in the mirror this morning.

Regrettably I don't earn enough to keep up with the demands of my plastic surgeon and would like to become someone else who is a lot better paid.

Can you help?
If Men were Agony Aunts in Newspapers……….

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is
only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best
friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together.
Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are
still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without
you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook
him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your
skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform
oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best
thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a
nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The
man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night
out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more
peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your
relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great
time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is
when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns
home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook
him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to
videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a
birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and
cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you
should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so
selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him
and cooking him a nice meal.

Dear Rum Ration,
My wife told me that she was Gay before we got married, when i got home last night i caught her in bed with another man, she said it was ok because he was gay too, now i`m all confused , can you help.


Confused Carl

Dear Dubaipusser,

How do you know the mirror you looked into this morning was really there? Maybe it was a mirage caused by booze induced dehydration and spending too long under a hot shower this morning?

Money? Start your own church: the Evangelical Church of Dubaipusser, sell plots of real estate in Heaven and spend the proceeds on a face list every year on your birthday.

Yours profitably,

Rosie "I'm alright thanks on £500 an hour plus VAT" the Lusty Sailors' Lawyer.
Dear Dubaipusser,
you say you recognised yourself in the mirror, let me ask you this question, Are you in charge of your brain, or is your brain in charge of you?Once you take charge of your brain and show it who`s really in charge then you can become anyone you wish to be, there is no need to spend lots of money on plastic surgery, a few appoinments with myself and my partner DR NOOOOooooo (shrink to the stars)can solve your problem in about forty hourly meetings, as our fee is only £1,000 pounds per hour, you can see at a glance that we can save you a fortune.


Dr Yes and Dr No


Dear Rum Ration

I looked in the mirror this morning and what I saw was fat, ugly and hairy.
As I KNOW that I'm skin and essence can I sue the manufacturer of the mirror for misrepresentation and hurt feelings?


Jimmy_Green said:
Dear Rum Ration

I looked in the mirror this morning and what I saw was fat, ugly and hairy.
As I KNOW that I'm skin and essence can I sue the manufacturer of the mirror for misrepresentation and hurt feelings?




How did you get me in your mirror when I am in Spain?????????????. Can I sue you for theft of image as I know I am the fat, ugly hairy one.

Confused of Murcia on Sea


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