Agony Forum

Dear Rum Ration,

I would like your help with my problem.We are a very poor family and live in a run down caravan on some waste ground close to the M1. My Mother is a Drug Addict and also a Dealer. My Father is an alcoholic and is serving time in prison for violence and attempted murder. My youngest sister is on the game but is at present being treated for various veneral diseases, My eldest sister has eleven children all by different fathers and my brother is in the Navy.I recently met a beautiful blonde who comes from a very wealthy family, my problem is, should i tell her that my brother is in the Navy?.

Confused Lossiemouth.

 

Dear Lossiemouth,

It seems too good to be true, yet here is that once in a lifetime opportunity to transform your life. Take the wrong turn and you'll blow it! What to do, that is the question? Well it seems self evident that you feel that there is something shameful about having a sailor in your otherwise interesting and multiculturally, diverse family. It is clear that you have undergone great hardship during your childhood and seek the security of a woman's motherly bosom to nurture your talents and cushion life's mishaps. I assume from your description of your home circumstances that your brother is a rating. Clearly this will be less impressive than having a budding Admiral as brother, but equally it reduces the risk of her shagging your brother. My advice therefore is to keep mum.

Say nothing of your unfortunate connections with the Lower Deck and instead play up your daddy's expertise in the wine trade and the service he is doing for Her Majesty. His sterling undercover work means that you cannot introduce him to your girlfriend. I would not mention his violent record and would suggest glossing over the attempted murder.

I would proudly mention, in passing, your mummy's chronic medical condition which requires her to take large doses of prescription medicines and that she is an Art Dealer specialising in the new genre of Crap Art.

You can mention that your sisters are both Nuns are are in closed, silent orders, making it impossible for her ever to make their aqaintance. I would also play up your family's eccentricity, suggesting that despite owning millions your people live in squalor as a matter of practicing their religious beliefs.

I hope this answers you questions,

Yours,

Concerned Divisional Officer.

 

Dear Lossiemouth confused :? Firstly move to the M25 its a much posher motorway.shop your mother to the fuzz,and ask them to put her in with your father,hopefully they will bump each other off.Treat your sister for the unsocial disease and set her up as up upmarket tart and take 70%.
Tell the social your eldest sister is your wife and you have eleven children,then claim the benefits. 8)
Tell the blonde your brother is a crab,she'l never know the difference. :roll:

 

Dear Rum Ration.

Thank you for your advice, Unfortunately i took her home to meet the family, it turned out she was a Lesbian,and has left with my eldest sister who has 11 children with 11 different men,they left with some travellers who were on holiday on the site. I now sit at night smelling the moth eaten cushion that she sat on,i still love her what can i do to win her back?

yours

Nervous Wreck,Lossiemouth.

 

Dear lostinthemouth,it seems you have a very serious problem,with the cushion that is.I,m afraid its got to go,as an object of past love it can be danger to life and limb.If whilst gathering the aroma of your loved one from this object you should accidently inhale a deceased moth dire consequences would prevail.

Transfer your affections to your best mates wife while you form a plan to regain your lost love.

In anticipation, Dr NOOooo.shrink to the stars.

 

Dear Wreck, off Lossiemouth,

I am perturbed to hear your sorry tale. It is difficult to know what to say under these trying circumstances, however it's clear to me that you're madly in love with her and also suffer from cushion fetishism. Burn that cushion before you become too intoxicated by false love. See your physician and arrange to have a sex change op as soon as poss. Find out first, if you can, what attributes Blondie prefers, and have these specially constructed.

Other than this, I suggest you have her knocked off and employ a good taxidermist. You won't lay your hands on her millions but you will get the next best thing encased in glass and ultratight jeans.

Yours deeply troubled,

Insomniac Pusser.

 

Dear Confused,

Have you considered reclassifying yourself as a member of the "Travelling Community", bringing your "mobile residence" and setting up home down here without planning permission, but with £££££ provided by the National Lottery?

All your problems will be solved - there are plenty of pubs down here for Dad, and he can visit Haslar Immigration Removal Centre if he misses prison. Don't worry about him getting locked in as the inmates don't seem to have a problem getting out! :roll:

Oh, and you can stay as long as you like - no one will move you as you are protected by the law and the Guardian! :wink:

 

Dear Rum Ration.

Once again thank you for the advice, this seems to be the forum for real understanding and help. It may be too late for me as i have taken to drink, the only exercise i get is, winding my watch and going for a piss, i can only hope that you can help others as you have helped me. Once again thank you.

Yours

Sorted Lossiemouth.

 

Dear Rum Ration,

My wife and I have been married for five years and are the thinking of starting a family, my problem is, is that she can`t swallow the stuff, any help would be appreciated.

Yours Truly

Hopeful, Tooting

 

Solution - turn her round 180 degrees.

But do not roll her over 180 degrees.

Although it may be worth trying.

 

Dear hopeful of Tooting,

Now don't get me wrong, to swallow or not to swallow/spit out has always been an issue for the woman and is something best approached with tact and diplomacy. Ensure you eat lots of sweet things and avoid curries, chili and fish.

However, I notice you wish to start a family. Well young man, getting her to swallow would in no way assist with starting a family at all. The female has to be impregnated via the correct orifice in order to allow her to conceive. I should point out at this stage, that the orifice you need to insert your penis into is the one normally covered with a light down of hair. If you are married to an Italian, then it is the more pink of the two.

May I also suggest that you get past page 69 of the good sex guide and move onto page 120, which explains in more detail what you need to be attempting.

I hope this helps.

 

Dear Rum Ration,

Im amazed ,having only been to a boys school, do you mean you actually PUT IT in there,is it safe? Did i mention that she takes her teeth out.

Yours

Still Hopeful Tooting.

 

You didn't mention you went to a Boys School, Tooting. In that case you want to try a different hole from the ones you used at school :wink:

 

Dear still hopeful,

Are you joking? The best part is when the female takes out her teeth as no damage can be inflicted to your private parts and also the sensation is quite exhilarating. So one of friends tell me anyway.

However, I refer to my earlier reply and that is the fact you are not inserting you penis in the correct orifice.

I do hope that you do not think your wifes vagina has teeth as this is purely a myth made up to scare young boys who went to a boys only school into thinking young girls would bite off their willies. Please do not worry, even it does smell a bit like a toilet door made out of fish boxes, it is quite safe to put your willy in there and it will come back out alive.

 

Dear Hopeful Toots,

It seems to me that you need to remember to eat unsalted chips or crisps BEFORE swallowing, then the salty taste combined with the chips/crisps will be just the perfect culinary combination.

Baby Chef.

 

Dear Miss Rum Ration,

I hope you can help me. My current boyfriend is rather large, down there if you know what i mean, so large i cant get my mouth round it,any advice would be appreciated.

Yours

Gobsmacked surrey.

 

I aint gonna answer that one Higs.

I am off to bed now. May I just say, tonight has been the best night I have had on RR for quite some time. Thanks all.

 

Dear Gobsmacked

I would suggest a visit to Dr Dunkers in Harley Street who has a very good reputation for mouth enlargements. It is worth remebering he gives a discount for multiple enlargements if you decide to have anything else enlarged at the same time.

Yours

Auntie

 

Dear Gobsmacked,

Clearly you boyfriend is not your size. I suggest fishing in Navy News for something smaller and more compact. In the meantime please dispatch you boyfriend to me courtesy of BFPO.

Whopping Wren
HMS Ark Royal

 

Dear Rum Ration,

My husband's a professional sundodger. When he comes home on leave he climbs into bed in his overalls and keeps his smelly bats on. He refuses to wash and insists on having all the windows boarded up and only a small low wattage light on round the clock. I want to bonk him but he smells too bad. What do you recommend I do?

Yours hurt,

Faslane Rosie.

PS: I want lots of baby submariners crawling on the deck in their blue overalls