A snag too far....

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Montigny-La-Palisse, May 13, 2013.

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  1. I think it's safe to say that we are under no illusion that life in the RN, RM or Army can't be considered for everyone. During your time you will see, hear, do and desperately try to forget some frankly horrific and haunting things that will stay with you forever. Experiences that numb us to the core and leave us hardened, emotionless and resigned to the fact that humans are terrible, terrible things.

    I'm not talking about war or conflict, I'm talking about being sat in a pub in Gibraltar whilst in the corner, someone wanks off the dog. Noting out the corner of your eye a dwarf get closed down on a pool table in Santiago. Wondering what all the noise is in the mess square only to be greeted with the sight of a spoof loser drinking a tin strained through a deployment old love sock. Etc, etc.

    Before I'd even got my first badge I had thought that I was absolutely immune and conditioned to the very worst things anyone is capable of. I wouldn't bat an eyelid when asked by the LHOM to stick his piles back up his arse with a biro or impromptu puppet shows with bodies hauled out of the Med, shit juggling in the Falklands, 'gay or scared'. Nope, impervious to it all. Nothing prepared me for the bogey ball though.

    Around ten years ago, for some inconceivable reason, a number of our mess members on a certain stumpy 42 had been collecting the contents of their noses and storing it in the drawer under the TV. By the end of deployment, there was just under 8 months worth collected and moulded into a nice beige, waxy plum sized moon. This was bad. Very bad. Even the sighting of the bogey ball was enough to have people gagging and walking out of the mess square to howls of laughter, but it wouldn't end there.

    Channel night and things had gone the usual way, all bets were off and things had got medievally unhinged. The bogey ball was out and a game of spoof was underway. The cost of losing? Eat it. Fucking eat it. I'm game for many a thing but this was a snag too far, I watched incredulously as the game came to a climax and a young welsh OM AW, (who incidentally was my go-to man as killick of the shithouses for always uncomplainingly unblocking a throne with his arm) was declared the winner / loser.

    It wasn't the bite that did it, although he took his time, milked the moment and slowly, very slowly sunk his nashers into the soft, brown, meteor. It was as he looked up and smiled, with 8 month old, howling dried nasal mucus stuck to his teeth that it all came apart. I had to get out of there, leaving to the sound of retching and language you'd even feel offended by in a 50 man mess. It was that moment, right there that had me submitting my request to sit my PO's PQE ASAP and get the fuck out of a JR's messdeck. I probably owe my career to snot.

    I can't be alone, there has to be that moment of clarity when you've thought "Jesus Christ, this is inhuman?"
  2. One of my fondest memories is of a dead dude we found in Chennai dockyard. He'd been out in the sun a few days and was a little crispy. He was properly grotty, one of his eyes had been popped out by a bird or something and was hanging out of the socket.

    The first thing that came to Jack's mind?

    Prise the dead dude's dried jaw open cracking apart all the leathery skin on his cheeks in the process, stick his lit tab in the dead dude's mouth and lie down next to his new bezzy oppo, with his arm around him for a phot, after which he removed the tab and continued smoking it.
  3. That was one of the most stomach churning things I've ever read, think I might even be sick. Ugh vile!
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  4. AAF

    AAF War Hero

    Was adrift from leave in Manila, had lost my hat in some whorehouse and returned on board about 0820, before going to reg office I thought I would have w/keepers brekkie.
    Shutters down so out of luck, passed by wash up and pig bin was still to be emptied, had about 6 bits of sausage and bacon, egg, toast and some fried bread. Was digging into bin for some more when L**** the Chief Stoker spotted me, ''Stirlin...reg office now'', spoilsport.
  5. Fraser Gunnery Range Pompey, took the ships dog Rupert on Midnight rounds with me, walking on the foreshore in Southsea always great on a Saturday night watching all the shaggin on the beach after Joe Spanners had kicked out some real munters there.
    Dog goes missing wouldn't come back when I called for him got out my pussers right angle to try and find him, I did, the fecker had found a suicide on the beach been in the water about 6 weeks, Rupert must have been hungry because he'd eaten her eyes I bend down for a closer look and Rupert starts licking my face, I didn't stop retching till stand easy next day and the smell stayed with me for years
  6. tiddlyoggy

    tiddlyoggy War Hero Book Reviewer

    Stoker's mess on Intrepid ashore, vomming in a pint glass pass to oppo who drinks it, voms back into glass and passes on, repeat until last man standing. Because I had an old towney oppo on there from school I was "lucky" enough to be permitted to join in as a baby tiff. Well, when I say lucky, I mean cajoled, along the lines of "fucking tiffs, you're all fannies!" I didn't last very long.
  7. Bootnecks Barracks Ark Royal 2003 Corporal of the mess orders two lads to give each other a blowjob second one gets filled in for being a hatter cos he got a hard on!!
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  8. You should make it your signature. Consider it a literary gift.
  9. Some imaginative embellishments to some of the old classics.
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  10. This thread has potential. Spin one or fuck off.
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  11. I second that...that's the first time I've physically gagged reading something
  12. I think more detail is neccessary, and just to clarify...does 'filled in' mean beaten up orrr something more arousing?

    Eating the bogey ball is quite minging to be fair, i remember finding my ex's collection of bogeys he had wiped onto the wall behind my headboard once- if someone would have made me eat them that would have tipped me over the edge!
  13. There was a boy in my primary school class who used to wipe them on the wall beside where he sat...but to be fair I'm not sure he was all there, as he went on to throw a desk at the teacher :neutral:
  14. Haha, maybe its a boy thing just some never grow out of it!
  15. Agreed...there are limits! Snot - no.

    Someone once dared me to make myself sick and wipe it on my face, then lick it up. As I'd previously eaten a baked potato it was a brown colour so could be misinterpreted if someone didn't know what it was. I hope the pics stay hidden forever :neutral:
  16. In desperate need to curl one down on a run ashore in Vera Cruz, luckily it was dark and scanning the area spotted alcoves on either side of the nearby church entrance doors. It still sends a shiver down the spine to this day thinking what would have happened had I been apprehended.
  17. A friend and I were apprehended having a piss in the gateway of The Church of St Ann on Walker Road in Newcastle (My brother had bravely ran away when he saw the approaching patrol car.) The two officer's were really trying to hammer home the point that we shouldn't piss on holy ground so my friend stated that he completely understood and that next time he'd wait until he was further down the road and piss on the Premier Inn as they were "Unholy bastards". That earned him a caution. Win.
  18. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I was once attached to the Royal Highland Fusiliers for a particularly arduos two week Infantry summer exercise, which mainly consisted of tabbing and Section/Platoon/Company attacks. To say i was on my chinstrap was an understatement. The weather was extremely hot and every bit of kit we owned was fucking hotching, as were our muscled bodies. Due to the fact that water was strictly rationed, we lived up to our nickname of "Pongoes". What little water we had was used for cooking and drinking. Things got so bad that i actualy saw a couple of blokes drinking from a puddle, which had scum on the top. Anyhoo when endex was called, we were picked up in some 4 tonners and driven back to barracks. Now the more professional of us, on arrival, after having cleaned our weapons, sorted out our webbing/bergans in prep for the next crash out and then hit the ablutions for the post exercise shit (akin to having a fist shoved up your anus due to consumption of compo) and a shower. That was everyone apart from The Fez.

    The Fez was a chap who's personal admin was fucking shit. He had a perpetual hum about him (like Pigpen from Charlie Brown) and always looked dirty. He was always skint and always on the cadge for pfennigs for booze and spare fags. The good thing about this was that The Fez would pretty much do anything for cash or fags. Once, for the princely sum of 10 Deutschmarks, i made The Fez do some sort of frustrated monkey dance in the rip while pissing. The odd thing was, he absolutley loved it. Money well spent.

    Whilst waiting for his turn in the shower, one of my oppos (now a Major) was sitting on the bench picking winnits out of his dung funnel and placing them on a tissue. While performing this odd form of simian cleansing, he was chatting to me about going on the piss that very night and hopefully smashing some German ladies back at the block. Who should walk past, fully dressed in civvies with cam cream still behind his ears, but The Fez.

    "Oi Fez". You coming out on the piss tonight you fucker?" says my oppo.
    "Doubt it" was the reply. "I'm fucking skint"
    "Tell you what" says my evil friend "I'll give you 20D's if you eat something"
    "Go on" says The Fez. "I'm game"

    So my mate hands The Fez his tissue of arse clag, which is consumed with alacrity.

    "Fancy earning another 10D's?" says my mucker.
    "Bring it on" says The Fez

    My mate then pulls back his foreskin, baring his bobbies helmet for all to see. Bear in mind that this cock has not seen water for two weeks in the height of summer. To say it was humming a tune was an understatement and it resembled Edam that had been placed in a furnace and resculpted by a maniac with a bell fetish. My mucker then gets his finger and scrapes a mahoosive amount of smeg from his butter gutter and presented it to The Fez to consume. I watched, in horror, as The Fez not only ate it, but licked the finger afterwards like a ten dollar whore.
    Last edited: May 13, 2013
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  19. One summer myself and a couple of oppos were hanging one on in the killick and corporals mess. When I went the heads some one spat in my drink, obviously oblivious I scuppered the lot, oh how we all laughed when someone pointed it out.
    Later that day I pulled a load of winnets out me crack and put it in his drink, when he drank it safe to say he nearly gagged on said hair ball and vommed all over the bar. Hell bent on revenge he sunk his finger up his arsehole upto the last knuckle and then gave me a poo tash, bare in mind it was the height of summer and he had been sweating his tits off all day. Safe to say that was the worst thing I've smelt in my life and took days for the smell to leave my nostrils. The next morning when he was sleeping off the hangover I tried to sneak into his cabin, but it was locked, I unscrewed the spy hole on the cabin door and proceeded to take a piss through the hole drenching his cabin in dark orange sugar puff smelling piss. Weeks later he admitted to wiping shit all over the handle of my cabin door in retaliation. Good times they where!

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  20. AAF

    AAF War Hero

    Not MOB dit but here goes, a plumber at Uof York where I worked for 20 years was quite the character. His wife wanted an en-suite bog for the bedroom so G duly obliged, plumbed the bog in right next to the bed with no partion. They both tabbed and G had stuck bastard emery paper either side of the bed so as they had somewhere to strike their matches.
    Going grey he bought a bottle of black hair tonic and instead of combing a small amount through his locks he stuck the whole bottle on, turned up to work next day looking like Victor Mature and could not understand why everyone was pissing themselves laughing. Had a beat up old dieso Peugeot, used to steal the gas oil for independent boilers for his motor, clouds of black smoke whenever he fired it up. Wanted a tow bar for said motor, made his own from...Dexion.

    RIP G.

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