A Matelot's working day..


I apologise if this has been posted before..


0600 - Call the hands, Wake up lying in a big map of Africa.
0755 - Turn out of your rack realising you’re going to be adrift.
0805 – Turn up at both watches negative beret or rigging set, get a b*llocking from the Buffer.
0915 – Slip away from part of ship to grab a dhobi after noticing the stench from your unwashed muff is killing shite hawks at 300 yards.
1000 – Demanding workout dragging your carcass to the NAAFI to get a family sized oggie (or two, or three).
1030 – Die of shame as you bump into STBD watch of ME’s on 2 deck, knowing that you flashed your gash at them in Jesters last night.
1200 – Healthy lunch of pot noodles and crisps washed down by 2 tins of Special Vat.
1215 - Catch a power nap as there a good 45 minutes before Fresh Cases.
1315 – Attend Fresh Cases, as the POMA is always good for a cup of tea because he’s hoping that you will suck him off next time you go foreign.
1500 – Stand easy (Nap).
1545 – Turn to by Part of Ship, spin the PO a line about having to see your DO knowing he’ll fall for it as you will suck him off next time you go foreign.
1615 - Light work out gossiping with the girls at the Wyvern centre, skegging the new RM PTI whilst thinking you would like to suck him off next time you go foreign.
1730 - Choose outfit from extensive New Look wardrobe, parade before full mess square to get the girls endorsement that you will definitely get a bit tonight.
1735 – Pre dinner drink of 3 tins of Special Vat with the girls.
1740 – Buffet supper at Pizza Hut all you can eat for a fiver.
1900 – Rounds Route Alpha along Union Strazza.
0130 – Make a play for the Killick of the Stoker’s mess as he is the only the bloke from the Ship’s Company who’s breath doesn’t smell of sick, get thinned out as you still have spaff in your hair from the RM PTI at the Wyvern Centre.
0230 – Crimp in the Mess square get carried to bed . . . (rarely ironed, crusty, old, grey linen).


0600 – Call the hands. Give thanks to the powers that be that you have not sh*t your pit.
0755 – Climb out of bed stepping in something suspect, scrabble around in the dark for something to wear cursing the fact that it is first up best dressed in your gulch.
0756 – Turn on the light and find your self in St Budeaux married patch. (F*ck!)
0757 – Phone your oppo on board to peg you in and sign you out Ashore on Duty, meet your oppo in the layapart store with your ovvies in a gash bag.
0815 – Turn to Part of Ship with a brew for the Chief Tiff to keep him quiet.
0830 - Massive satisfying beer sh*t, having found some porn on the overheads, have a danger w*nk with the door to the trap unlocked.
1000 - Breakfast: two slices of cold pizza that the duty watch couldn’t get through last night.
1015 – Visit Naafi via the upper scupper to avoid the fat WOM (UW) that you pumped up last weekend as she looks even less female in ovvies and a rigging set.
1030 – Use a sharp pencil and a clear conscience to update the PMS log so that you can have a sports make a mend today.
1130 – Watchkeeper’s scran before a few cans of wife beater to settle the nerves before the bus to rugby leaves.
1330 – Drag your hangover around Brickfields for 40 mins before feigning a hamstring injury get taken off at half time.
1410 – Get stuck into your six pack of Stella now that you’ve come off you may as well start the third half early!
1500 – Avoid the bar snacks in the post match social quoting “Eating as cheating!â€.
1630 – Buy a PS2 from Jack Blair's on credit and pawn it at Cash Converters for £50 as this will see you through until payday.
1700 – Back on board, visit heads on the way to the bathrooms to crack one off and empty your bag to improve your performance in case you get lucky later.
1715 – Sh*t, Shower and Shave.
1745 – RAS your oppo’s best new shirt, f*ck him he’s duty, and anyway he’d do it to you.
1800 – See off the fridge to p*ss the duty watch off.
1845 – Quick one in the Avondale to see the rough sort from swilly serving topless behind the bar.
1900 – Rounds Route Alpha along Union Strazza.
2230 – Hit Jesters go ugly early, yes she’s rough but she’s got huge norks and she’s dirty after several pints of rough cider.
0130 – Get booted out of cider girl’s bedsit, as the chilli sauce on your fingers from your kebab stung her winker when you were warming her up for some back door action.
0200 – Stagger back on board £30 lighter having paid the bill for being sick in the back of the fast black.
0445 – Win award for best dressed man in bed, having finally made it there after losing an eye brow when asleep in the mess square.
0500 - Night cap shuffle.
0530 – Wipe **** on oppo’s bunk curtain, as you don’t have a pusser’s sock handy.
0531 - Laugh yourself to sleep

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05:00 - Crawl in from a night you swear you didn't go to Jesters but have the stamp to prove it!

07:00 - Call the hands - wake up feeling the worse for wear, ignoring the pipe!

07:30 - dragged out of pit by mess LHOM, who happens to be the L-dog. Jump in the shower, within seconds the water goes below 0. Flipping lads have switched the hot water off AGAIN!

08:01 - Turn up for Watch on Deck, not remembering what your duty is until your oppo throws you your red bib.

08:05 - Both watches, stand at the back of the muster, hoping the buffer doesn't see you in the scruffy ovvies you chucked on.

08:15 - Sneak down to the NAAFI for a can of Irn-Bru and a pasty. Listening to the days gossip you realise most of your oppo's saw you with that dude you swear you had nothing to do with!

08:16 - Part of Ship P.O. finds you, screams blue murder and makes you sand down and re-paint the break water you only did 2 days ago.

10:15 - Stand easy, slip into the mess and get a 10 minute power nap!

12:15 - Lunch, can you face the delights of todays food? Or head upto Drake and sneak a pint in the bar?

13:20 - Turn up late for work, again but make an excuse that you have to go up stores!

14:00 - Return to find there is nothing to do, smile nice at your P.O. and promise your make up for work tomorrow.

14:02 - Crash in pit and sleep as long as you can.

16:40 - Wake up to the sound of "FIRE FIRE FIRE', then realise the safe guard rule is not in force and that your attack B.A.! Thats 1 minute gone, another minute to get to the scene fully geared and not looking like shit!

18:00 - Clean up for rounds - throw as much cleaning fluids on the deck to make the heads smell fresh. Return to the mess and argue who is not doing what!

19:00 - Rounds, stand by the heads and hope to god the OOD doesn't pick your section up. Which will always happen!

20:00 - Evening colours! Run up to the gangway, ready to pipe. **** up on the piping and spend the next 30 minutes on the flight deck practising over and over again.

21:30 - Get your head down in your pit and hope a 'suprise' exercise is not called for!
8) What happens after you are time served with Pusser 8)

I lived on a Narrow Boat and was looking towards moving to Spain when I wrote this:


A day in the life of a Grim Faced London Company Fraud Investigator

It was 5.30am as a bright shaft of sunlight streamed through the porthole dragging moi; into the world of the living. The male half of the Aqua Pikies scratch balls, then hauls himself down the boat to the kitchen and switches on the kettle for the first cup of Java for the day.

Bonnie, our time-share cat batters her way into the cabin for a shot of tuna after a night of active sleeping. The PC is switched on, overnight e-mails from Oz and the sellers of Viagra checked. Then; RN Submariners, HMS Ganges and Oz Submariners forums. Read Oz, Canadian and Mid East Newspapers on the net.

6am wake the slumbering beast with tea, yes a task I undertake every morning, Grumpy Chrissie hits the deck at a crawl, all is wrong with the world.

7.45am depart Island for central London held up by British Rail level crossing as normal. Why can't these Bar Stewards drive? Proceed down the M11, East Way Cross Route, Hackney, Old Street, Smithfield Market and Holborn. One and Half hours of Terry Wogan, road rage mine or theirs on a very good day, Chrissie sleeps through it all.

Spend rest of the day persecuting staff who try to liberate the Company’s cash. Get the Perps into the office and start the interrogation, no confession, hook up the electric shock machine, O! It’s just too easy. I have little access to PC in my industry is still “State of the Arkâ€. At 6 pm collect CinC Home Fleet from her labours at Holborn. Reverse drive 1 hour on a good day 4 hours on our worst nightmare day. Open up boat, switch on PC, change into rags, check answer-phone, read e-mails, do the Camposoulmates to Newspaper bit again.

Every other Saturday I work, so the boss has to get the train in and out of London one weekday, boy that makes her even grumpier. Provide the timeshare pussy with more tuna. before TV or a walk. Then back to the lurve pit with the wild child to sleep.

Another 24 hours starts all over again.


PS You may just be better off staying IN


War Hero
Jenny Dabber wrote

20:00 - Evening colours! Run up to the gangway, ready to pipe.

20:01. D'oh! Go back to mess an wait until 2100 when rest of Fleet does Evening Colours. :wink:

Nice to see ARRSE so well represented on Rum Ration A and B!


Lantern Swinger
With what the loverly Chrissy has to put up with it's no wonder she gets grumpy. I can attest that she is very placid and takes all of Nutty's tirades very calmly

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Seadog said:
Jenny Dabber wrote

20:00 - Evening colours! Run up to the gangway, ready to pipe.

20:01. D'oh! Go back to mess an wait until 2100 when rest of Fleet does Evening Colours. :wink:

Nice to see ARRSE so well represented on Rum Ration A and B!

SORRY! Like I said before, shit for brains!