Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by X.R.D, Jul 20, 2009.
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A man walks into a pub and says...................
...have you seen my watch?
Fcuk, missed the door again!!
Yes its that Gucchi piece of kit that Morsehorse stole off me the thieving git!!
That's the killick and four gag ruined...next!
What's this; a joke?
Jack walks into a pub for a pint and sees the "Ultimate Challenge" advertised on a placard at the bar next to a Jar stuffed to the rim full of tenners and fivers. When asked about the jar, the barman replies:
"Oh yes, that's entry fees from those who've taken the ultimate challenge and failed. Whoever wins, gets to keep the lot."
Fcuk me, I could be doing with that.. he thinks to himself. So he says to the barman: "Woss this challenge then?"
"There are three stages to the ultimate challenge my friend and each will be explained upon completion of the last."
"Go-on then, Jack eggs the barman, woss the first?"
"Well" replies the barman, "See that mean-looking bast4rd by the pool table in the corner? 6'8'' and half as wide, skull thick as two planks.." "Knock him out in one punch and I'll tell you what's next."
Fcuk me twice thinks our Jack to himself, I'm gonna need some help for this as he pulls out a couple of notes for the entry fee and plenty for A pint with ten shots of Nasty Sh!te to follow.
Suitably bladdered and impervious, Jack walks straight up to Mungo and whacks him with all his drunken might square smack on the temple. By God, he's down in one! Jack pukes a little and returns to the barman to hear what's next.
"Christ!!" he exclaims, "No-one's ever got past the first stage! For that, I'll tell you the next two challenges. You see that old manky woman in the corner? Never bathed in 15 years, reeks o' piss and dribbling from every port. You'll need to shag her mate, if you want the prize. After that, you can head into the basement where this rabid b4stard devil-dog that guards the pub at night resides. It weighs 18 stone and was hidden from the coppers who were after at for eating half a school playground.. Since no-one's been near it for years you'll have to take these pliers and cut it's toenails."
Jack stares at the jar of money and says "I'll do it!". So Jack tops up on some more Nasty stuff and downs half a bottle of bourbon to the mix, picks up the pliers into his back pocket and drunkenly staggers to the basement, with a resounding clatter as he falls down the steps.
The barman listens to the mad dog barking like some insane screaming ghoul, which quickly turns to a short silence, then panicked whimpering accompanied with some God-awful yelps ensues. 20 minutes pass and the barman begins to worry..
Suddenly Jack smashes through the basement door with a crazy grin coupled with a satisfied look of achievement.
"Now where's that ol' bitch wot needs her nails clipped!"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Have a nice evening
Where he finds the English and the West Indian cricket team have their knobs out on the bar all in a row to see who has the biggest.
He then calls to his Lavender friend outside"Come on in, Tarquin,the pubs got a buffet on!"
Old ones are the best, shame I have to remember them.
Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord says "Get out, you're Bard".
..... what does that sign above the bar mean:
Thank You For Asking That Will Cost You 10 Pence For The Denis The Menace Fan Club.
Safeguard dit - happened to me in a pub in Weston Super Mare back in the '80s
That wasn't the one at the end of Baker Street was it?
Is there a Baker Street in Weston S-M?
That is in Aggie o HB; and I fell for it as well.
Just had a look on Google maps and queried the names of local pubs in Weston. The pub was on the corner of Alfred St and Meadow street. It's name escapes me as so did so many bear tokens at the time too. Baker street is "Alfred St" but just a bit further up. I think we could be talking about the same place. Cool!
I'm almost certain we're talking about the the same pub. The place was a complete madhouse and I think the landlord moved to a pub in Frome.
Can you PM me so we know who we are talikng about?
A man walks into a pub, gets his pint and sits near two old dears, he overhears their convo...
"Jesus, Aggie I thought I,d never get 'ere".
"I know wot you meen luv, it,s terrible travellin these days".
"Yers!, but anyway I,m 'ere now"
"Well, did you come on the bus then?"
"Yers!, but I made it look like an Asthma attack".
Man sups up and moves away, slobbering.
So we've come out the pub and on the way home.
Theres a two foot drop on the near side of the car, there's a fire engine along side going our way.
Trouble is there is a donkey infront running at the same speed as us.
There's a Zebra behind keeping up, and things are begining to go fuzzy and I cannot see properly or stay awake, what the fcuk can I do?
Get of the fcukin roundabout, your p*ssed.
a man walks into a pub and says "can I have an orange?",barman says"still orange?" Man says"yes,not changed my mind yet"
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