A&E dits

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Shakey, Jun 28, 2006.

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  1. Was talking to a nurse t'other day and we started talking about strange A&E cases. There were some good ones.

    One was a patient who presented himself with a vibrator stuck up his arse. It was still buzzing. Whilst waiting, the evil nurses gave him a metal chair to sit on. Of course the metal chair vibrated in sympathy with the vibrator so the whole chair was humming. As the nurses checked up on him at frequent intervals they noticed that his position on the chair was changing so eventually he was sat with just his thighs on the chair and his arse hanging off the side to stop the noise.

    Another one was a man who came in with cuts all over his chest and covered in shit. He was a bit reluctant to explain the mechanism of injury. About fifteen minutes later another bloke came in with cuts all over his arse and covered in shit. It transpired one had been lying under a glass coffee table watching the other having a shit on the top. Unfortunately for them (and hilariously for everyone else) the table gave way.

    My favourite was one about a bloke with a glass eye who came in because the socket (orbit?) was sore and weeping. They gave him some drops and took a swab. The results came back from the lab - it was gonnorhoea. Someone had been fucking his eye socket!

    Also have a mate who's sister's a nurse who swears blind a bloke came in once with a dead Yorkshire Terrier on his cock.

    (None of the above were matelots, though I wouldn't be surprised if the eyeball fucker was.)
  2. Sounds like a bunch of Urban Myths to me,all us medicos have heard most of them,however we have seen some howlers!Drop by the chatroom for further info!!
  3. Talking about things stuck in personal places;

    Wasn't their a wren who was in Dryad, staying in Pinsly block. She had something rather big stuck up her 'private parts'?
  4. Right, this is a gen dit : many moons ago when I was a baby scablifter....They brought in to casualty a Killick C%^* who had been involved in an RTA ( he was a motor cyclist ) They had to cut his leathers off, and surprise surprise ! He had a full set of womens undergarments on - Bra, Knicks, Suspenders & Sussies Laugh ? I nearly passed my fags out ( and I don't smoke )
  5. I work in Theatres , And have personaly witnessed stuck up arses the following , light bulb ,a large carrot, a vibrator still turned on ,all in differant peaple of course , oh and a bloke with a locking ring from a set of dumbells stuck on his cock , which had been there 3 day's could'nt get it off cos his dick had swollen up so much , it was so swollen it looked as if it was about to burst ,so fxxxxxxxg swollen you could'nt even see his bell end :roll: :roll: funny how it's nearly alway's blokes :twisted:
  6. It's our oh, so masculine sense of adventure and natural child-like curiosity.

  7. We did have a bloke with an Old Spice bottle(330ml one)stuck up his poop chute.The x rays even showed the outline of the Ship and the lettering.The OP was listed as "Removal of foreign body(Old Spice bottle)from rectum"and the xray report was in the lines of "The position of the Old Spice bottle is demonstrated"LOL Apparently he "fell" in the bathroom ans woooop!Up she went!
  8. About 8 years ago I was going out with a radiographer and she had a pretty bizzarre collection of X-rays including one of a bloke with a wine bottle stuck up his backside - at least he had the sense to drink the wine first :wink:

    She told me that they always take an extra shot when they have an interesting case - "stay there, we need to take that again as the plates weren't seated properly" or something like that.
  9. i work in a large general hospital and oh yeh my eyes have been opened, from an 83 yr old with a vib up his arse used so many time the batterys were taped in with electrical tape, to the man who told us for a birthday prank his mates had put a spud up his arse, put it this way i havent been able to eat jacket potatoes for some while, lol some mate aye, finally after being inserted in warm place for approximately 48 hours said potatoe was not soft enough to break up so this birthday boy was cut from arse to scrotum to remove the said potatoe, be warned said patient was a chef, mmmmmmmmm worrying lol
  10. I was in Raleigh in the late 70s early 80s , when we decided to have the old fancy dress run ashore , well I was go'ing to go as a foxy chick [I am a bloke] , the wren's offer'ed to get me dressed up , so I duly went to the wren'ary and fxxk me did they do a good job , the full bizz , underwear , stocking's , sussies , make up , the lot , :roll: :roll: , then some swine decided to have a fire exercise in the wren'ary , OOD was a wren LT , and I had to line up with the young wrens and be mustered , load's of giggling I can tell you , but at least the OOD had a sense of humour and let us go ashore like it , still got the phot's , most of the run ashore was spent in the Kings Arms in Torpoint :twisted: :p , was our local at the time ,
  11. Heard a dit about a bloke who went in with some thin wire coiled up inside his japs eye and they had to pull it out, and then he came back with something else down there for removal and it transpired that he put stuff in there just so he could get the medics to pull it out....
    On the subject of medical. I was offered a cruise liner security job as I was leaving the mob and they asked for an HIV cert. I had the test done at Nelson and had to have a chat with the doc first. He said that of all the dirty shagging matelot there had only ever been a very small amount of infected matelots and that it was government scare tactics. Any medics care to comment further?
    Anyway, had to wait o few days for the result and still didn't get it before the weekend, started messing myself. Finaly got the all clear the morning I started the sea survival course at Horsea lake, freezing cold and everyone was dripping but I was doing fckuing syncronised swimming that morning I can tell you...
  12. The dit re the bloke ramming FO's down his Japs eye is 100% genuine.He ws a well known regular attendee at A&E Haslar(most MA's based there in the 70's and 80's will know of him)Objects as varied as matches,pencil leads,Fish tank tubing were removed.He was a rather sad case having suffered an RTA with Head Injuries which neccesatated in him to have a Urinary Catheter inserted and it has been speculated tht this was the catlyst for his odd hobby.
    On the AIDS bit i only ever knew 1 person that had contracted the disease,and that was from Needle stick injury.As with all medical records they are "Medical In Confidence" and as such were kept that way.
  13. I was duty in theatre one night and a female pun k rocker came in one night with signs of appendicitis
    When we prepped her for the op, we noticed a tattoo on her thigh " Please do not cut the grass " in green ink, we left a message "sorry we had to mow the lawn "
  14. My favourite ( if you can have a favourite ) A young chap came in with signs of appendicitis, when we opened him up, his appendix was black ( Necrotic, "ie dead skin " we cleaned it up and it was the top of a shaving foam can !! don't ask how it got in there.......I can vouch for this, I took the photographs and they were published in the BMJ ( British Medical Journal )
  15. Love it Graybags , :roll: :lol:
  16. We had a certain LMA (O) that had an RTA and suffered a # Tibia and Fibula,on return to the ward it was observed that his oppos in theaters had painted his genitals with Gentian Violet and tied a nice pink ribbon in a bow around his todger!!!Much mirth and merryment ensued and i think there were some photos taken.

    (re grays dit about the punk rocker,i remember this girl as well lol)
  17. Having a bout of pylonephritis i was admitted to haslar and was told i needed to have a camera up my japs eye cystoscopy (sorry if the spellings shite), now being a MA who trained at haslar i was a bit reluctant to be awake during the cyctoscopy, i asked for a general and explained to the Surgeon my reasons why, he said fine right you will have a closed thetre, ( meaqning no extras and only the peeps required)
    Imagine my horror when i came to to find i was bald as a coot, and someone had signed Jez was here across my belly?
    I still havent found out who it was some 13 years on

    But it makes me laugh now, and i learnt a lesson that day, dont attract attention to you self, just go with the flow?
  18. pMsl,you should have checked the Theater register and seen who was present at the time!

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