A Collection of Classic Dits


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Some quotes from Witsend.

Are you suffering from the effects of a stroke or were you born a dribbling ****?

Well done! You've just made me stiff.

Monty could always liven it up by posting Fucknottle's address and credit card details. I could then while away a bit of time subscribing him up for every gay and womens magazine and the muslim brotherhood. A few wine clubs, catalogues and of course order him a Domino's and ruby murray for tonights dinner.

Apart from this being a Pinocchio fishing trip, its alway amusing reading the responses from a certain generation when the trigger word 'Muslim' is spouted. They fall over themselves reaching for the bus pass whilst trying to justify their aversion to a different culture. It's the same when the other trigger word 'homosexual' is typed.

My wife came home with a vibrator. Started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" Guess who had to put the batteries in?


War Hero
Book Reviewer
WreckerL showing what all those years on boats does to a mans mind;

There's some very nice benches in Guzz and if you've watched the Silence of the Lambs, using female skin to make a body suit is a waste, use a skinny victims skin for a sleeping bag and a big fat munter's for a hammock. They're easily obtained and cost next to nothing.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
2 Deck_Dash - Bestest Shags Thread;

Schoolboy error shippers. That's why you always muff them out first, by the time you get round to jumping her, hopefully she'll have already cum/got bored and won't give a **** that it only took you two pumps to spaff.

Let me regale you with a dit.

Some years back I used to hang about with a lad called Clarky, he had two sisters, the younger of which was particularly divs. Similar to a young version of the blonde one from Friends. Anyway I fancied the **** out of her and despite Clarky being a bit of a throbber, I continued to hang around with him in order to spend time with his sis.

One night after a particularly lengthy sesh of Grand Theft Auto (the original version), I retired back to my place. To my surprise Clarky's little sis decided to come with.


Knowing my limits, I decided that it would be best to go down on her first. Good thing I did, the excitement of muffing her out caused me to spaff in my undies. So I just continued spelling out the alphabet with my tongue until I'd mustered another rod on, before finally treating her to my magnificent length.

The combo of a lengthy oral sesh and the fact that I was able to last longer confirmed my status as a ******* sexual hero, she told all her mates that I was the best shag ever and we went out for nearly two years after that.

All thanks to me spaffing in my pants.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Wet Blobby - May the 4th Be With You;

I was a co-presenter once on quite a big outdoor kiddies show, the main presenter was on stage doing his thing and I was meant to join him for a bit of banter in about 60 seconds, I'd decided to dress up as a Jedi knight because I could and it was totally out of the script so I'd throw the main presenter off his stride for a laugh, anyway there I was having a quick smoke back stage whilst the sound Techie was fitting me up with a head mike, he and I failed to realise he'd switched my mike to "On".
10 seconds before I was due on stage I flicked my fag butt away and then panicked, I'd lost one of my props, so out over the sound system boomed my voice.... "Shit.....where's my ******* light saber" .... everyone back stage looked at me mortified..... that was **** all, I then had to walk on stage infront of 15 thousand kids and parents who were looking at me with their jaws dragging on the ground. Ooops.


From Oberons_Knob in the sun dodger's forum, some gash formatting for some reason.

Bernie was a stoker, he was not blessed with the greatest of brains but he was a nice bloke and everyone in the crew got on with him. The problem with Bernie was, he was always broke and looking for ways to make money. Germany is a little more relaxed than the UK when it comes to sex and the sale of sex items and Bernie decided that, bearing in mind the normal male frustrations experienced by the crew at sea, he could make an absolute killing if he bought an inflatable sex doll and rented it out to the crew. Now I know what you are thinking and, to be honest, I believe the majority of the crew would agree with you. After all, when all’s said and done, even submariners are human and will draw the line somewhere. But Bernie could not be told. He even made up a sign, in his best handwriting, using bright coloured felt tip pens. “Fifty pence a go, first one to spot its nose running empties it.’ Not, I have to say, a sign which would instill a sense of sexual desire in most men. Bernie was not a selfish man but, I suppose justifiably, he felt that it would be fair if he were to have one night with the woman of his dreams before he sold her into prostitution amongst the crew. We had been out consuming huge quantities of beer and had collapsed into bed to sleep it off. We had not been in bed long when we were awoken by a strange rhythmic squealing noise. Doors opened all along the hotel passages and a selection of guests, ranging from drunken submariners to fatigued businessman were wandering toward the stairway in search of the noise. I had almost reached the stairs when I heard a guttural stream of German coming from below. I couldn’t speak any of the language but just the tone of it was enough to make me realise that the words were uttered by somebody who was rather unhappy with something. I looked over the balcony and there, halfway up the grand staircase, stark naked, was Bernie. His backside was pumping up and down and beneath him was the wide armed, open mouthed inflatable doll, bouncing away in latex lust. The stairs were tiled and with every thrust of Bernie’s not inconsiderable backside, the latex doll emitted a screech as she was rubbed across the vinyl surface.

“Otto. Kom.†I heard and a large Alsatian dog appeared beside the hotel owner. With a flick of his wrist the owner set the dog on the pair of fornicating figures on the stairs. Unfortunately the dog decided to attack the one that was making the most noise first, the doll. Its fangs sank into the hip of the bouncing babe and, with a hideous farting sound, she withered and deflated beneath the humping Bernie. The dog, surprised by the noise and the gush of air, ran whimpering back into the owner’s accommodation leaving Bernie frustrated and unfulfilled.
“You bastard,†he screamed, clambering to his feet, genitals in full view of the, by this time, considerable audience, “You’ve burst my woman.†And with that he made a lunge for the owner’s throat. Luckily he was intercepted by two of his stoker colleagues who dragged him, kicking and screaming back, to his room. He was a sorry sight, pulled backwards down the passageway, his lilywhite naked body glowing in the stark electric light and the love of his life, now fully deflated, dragged along the floor behind him, her hand in his. Several of us managed to placate the irate owner and assured him that we would keep Bernie under control. I made my way to his room to make sure that he would not be repeating the performance and entered only to find Bernie, with a puncture repair outfit, complete with French chalk and rubber patches, desperately trying to plug the gaps in his now shredded sweethearts lower anatomy. Another of Bernie’s fortune making ventures had been brought to an untimely end.

It was not to be the end of Bernie’s adventures in Emden. The day we sailed I was checking the equipment in the after torpedo room when I heard a huge roar from the stoker’s mess just around the corner by the after escape tower. Curious, I knocked and went in. Bernie was standing on the table, once again he was naked from the waist down. He had his back to me.
“Bernie, what is it with you and getting your tackle out?†I asked.
People were pointing and grimacing toward his genitals. Bernie turned round and I unconsciously crossed my legs and winced. There, through his foreskin, was what I believe is called an Albert ring. He had had his foreskin pierced and a large gold ring put through it.
“Bernie, you are definitely off your trolley.†I said, and turned to walk out.
It wasn’t long before the whole crew became aware of Bernies appendage. It went round like a bush fire, everybody wanted to see it but nobody really wanted to ask. It wasn’t long before events took a turn for the worse.

I was on watch in the control room, we were on the surface and heading back to the UK. Bernie had been in the after corner for an hour or more. He wasn’t on watch but he was talking to the stoker who was working the hydraulic sytems and masts from the panel in that corner. The conversation was getting more and more heated. I was unable to hear what was being said but Bernie was obviously getting annoyed. It was slowly becoming more and more likely that a fight would break out, and they were only a few feet from the Captain’s cabin. I felt it prudent to intervene and calm things down and, stepping between them I pulled the two apart.
“Berine,†I asked, “What are you doing here? You’re off watch and you’re making enough noise to wake the dead. Get back to your mess and, whatever your gripe is, talk about it later.â€
“But it bloody hurts TI, he won’t tell me where it is.â€
Bernie, what hurts and he won’t tell you where what is?â€
My knob hurts and he won’t tell me where the key is.â€
I was struggling here, I hadn’t got a clue what he was on about.
“Bernie, hang on, just tell me what is wrong, preferably in a way that I’ll be able to understand what the hell you’re walloping on about.†I said, trying to calm him down.
“I’ll show you what I’m on about TI.†And, with a flourish Bernie dropped his trousers. My eyes must have popped out of my head.
“Now do you see what I mean?†He demanded.
There, where the gold ring had previously been, was a large, very strong, Chubb security padlock. It must have weighed about a pound and it was stretching his foreskin almost to his knees.
“The lads in the mess held me down, took my ring out and put this in its place TI. Now they won’t give me the key to unlock it.â€
Unfortunately it was at that moment that the Captain decided to come out of his cabin and see what all the commotion was about. He took one look at Bernies elongated penis, looked at me and said,
“TI, I don’t know what this is about, I don’t want to know what this is about, but you and the Chief Stoker will make sure that it is sorted, understood?â€
“Yes sir.†I replied to his back as returned to his cabin, shaking his head.
“Bernie, you are a ******.†I stated, now angry at being bollocked by the Captain.
“That’s just it TI. I am not a ****** and I will never be a ****** again unless this bastard gives me the key to this padlock.â€
“Robby, give him the key.â€
“No TI.â€
“Robby, I am not messing about, if you do not give him the key I will stick you on for disobeying a direct order. Now, I am ordering you to give him the key.â€
“I can’t TI.â€
“What do you mean you can’t. If it’s in your locker, go and get it. If someone else has it, get them to give Bernie the key.â€
“No TI, you don’t understand. I can’t give him the key because I threw it over the side.â€
“You did what?â€
This was unbelievable. Bernie looked as though he was going to cry. He began to protest.
“What am I going to say to my wife when I get home with this on me dick? Sorry darling I can’t make love to you until the fire brigade have cut this padlock off me knob.â€
I tried to calm him down.
“Bernie, go back to your mess, I’ll get hold of the Chief stoker and we’ll see if we can sort this out, and you,†I turned to Robby but couldn’t carry on, I couldn’t hold back the laughter any more and just walked away, tears streaming down my face.

The Chief Stoker was called and he and I retired to the bathroom with Bernie where we inspected the padlock. The bright yellow rubber gloves we wore to inspect the offending article made us look like a couple of demented doctors as we turned it round and inspected it from all angles. It was no ordinary padlock. It was tempered steel and of the type used on the gun lockers. This would not be easy. The Chief Tiff was called to assist in the inspection. Even the Engineer Officer took his turn. It was amazing how many men decided that they needed to wash their hands during the time we were in the bathroom, even though they had been at sea for weeks and knew that there was no water. Everbody wanted to have a look at Bernie’s attachment.

By this time things were getting serious. Bernie’s penis was turning a funny mottled blue colour and it was obvious that something had to be done, and quick.
“Bernie,†said the Chief Stoker, “It’s going to have to be hacksawed off, that’s the only way.â€
Bernie looked almost relieved.
“Well alright, but can you do it quickly please, it really hurts now.†Pleaded the unfortunate stoker.
“I ain’t doing it Bernie. If I slip I could take your knob off mate. No. You’ll have to do it yourself.â€

Bernie retreated to the only vice on the boat. It was in the engine room. The vice was slightly above waist height and was between the back end of the engines. Bernie was standing on tiptoe, naked from the waist down with the vice in the padlock and his foreskin stretched beyond all recognition. The sea was quite rough and, as the boat rolled Bernie rolled with it. Unfortunately his penis, held firmly in place by the padlock, clamped in the vice, did not roll with him. Every time the boat rolled to port Bernie moved farther from the vice and emitted a pained squeal. He was hacksawing for all he was worth but, as we all know, when you hacksaw metal it gets very hot. By the time he had managed to release himself almost an hour later, Bernie was burnt and blistered in places no man wants to be burnt and blistered. The next stop was the Coxswain who issued Bernie with some salve to cool the burns and reduce the blistering.

Bernie never did put his Albert ring back in place. I wonder what his wife said when he got home with a swollen penis with an extra hole in the end.​


War Hero
Book Reviewer
2 Deck Dash - No Holes Left;

As unbelievable as this sounds, this story is gen:

One of the guys I used to work with had a novel solution to the overcrowded graveyard problem. Now I must stress that Pierre, or Pete as we called him, is not the full card, he'd probably be the last person you'd want working in a gun factory, if it wasn't for the fact that he's one of the best engravers in the world.

To give you some background on Pete and an idea of his mindset, he was once arrested in the Natural History museum with all of his feral French children for attempting to steal a dinosaur bone as a souvenir. He currently has a photo of Joseph Goebbels as his Facebook profile picture and his hobbies included climbing up in the roofing of the factory and shitting on passers by below. He also had a collection of dead cats pickling in a coffee jar that he'd shot (in the car park, in the middle of Hammersmith, with an un-silenced shotgun). I once had to discipline him for putting a dead mouse on a German apprentice's bench. No biggy I hear you say, but the mouse was dressed as Hitler complete with little tash and had been arranged in such a way so that it was giving a Nazi salute.

As you can probably tell, I like Pete a lot.

Anyway I digress.

One day Pete did not show up for work, we phoned around but to no avail. He eventually turned up the next day and he explained that he'd been arrested - for the theft of a corpse.

Pete's grandfather had sadly just passed away, not realising the protocol for such things, Pete and his dad went to the hospital, walked un checked into the mortuary and pushed dead gramps out on a trolley before bundling him into the back of their Renault Laguna and giving him a makeshift burial in their garden in Hounslow.

It was only when the Police rocked up a few days later to inform Pete and his old man that "unfortunately there has been a terrible mistake and we can't find your grandfather's body" that Pete said "Don't be silly, we buried him under the magnolia tree a couple of days ago."

He genuinely had no idea that you just couldn't bury people wherever the **** you wanted.

That was pretty much the last straw for the mad ****** and we had to move him onto alternative employment.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Guzzler again. This question was asked;

Just wondering if (after you have done with training of course) will you have the opportunity to start a new sport? Did Judo for 10 years growing up but I'm sick to death of it as I find the competitive side naff with all the bull**** rules. Would love to give football or rugby a go. Only know the basics of rugby though and haven't played it since school.

His reply;

No, you have to declare what sports you have done prior to joining and will not be permitted to get involved in any others at all during your service.

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