A Collection of Classic Dits

Seaweed

RIP
Book Reviewer
I've run this one before but it might still rate ..

Told me by the chap i shared an office with in my last job before I swallowed the anchor for full due.

In his immediate last job he had been G of (the OLD) HMS Bulwark.
In Hamburg ca. 1969 he was boned for Officer of the Patrol.

Patrol is called out to a fracas in a bar. The sort of bar with a small dance floor with a spotlight shining on it.

Turns out Jack has arrived, slung his hat into the spotlight and declaimed:

"Right, which of you Jew-burning bastards is going to buy me a beer?"
 

Rocket_Ron

Lantern Swinger
This made me laugh...

At Raleigh in 87 as a 17 year old tiff apprentice in basic training lost my ID card at PT. Was issued with a temp 1 and when I got back to our block my mate Taff Richards had found it stuck to the botyom of his card. Thought great and went back to discipline off to tell them the good news. However in the mean time I had destroyed the temp card.

Told them i had found ny ID card the WOMAA(WRNS) asked for the temp 1 convo went along
these lines

Me "I ripped it up"

WOMAA "You ripped it up. What?"

At this point al my CDF fell out me erse

Me "I ripped it up Chief"

Her "Do I look like a chief"

Me (now fully panicking) "Sorry MASTER".

At this point I could see a couple of other reggies stifling laughter however worse was to follow.

Shes now scarlet and about to blow.

I realise my mistake and whisper questionly (cos at this point I didnt gave a clue what to call her) my moment genius "errrrrr MISTRESS"

Theres s sudden silence followed by the sound of the reggies chuckling in chewed fists at which point I decided to leave with no dignity and in fear for my life. Dues where they're due though never heard anything about it after that. But some nights I go to sleep I can still here the laughter as the door swung shut.
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
Guzzler - King of the one liners.

You're lol-ling the fact that you think your mum has Alzheimer's? Jesus.

Yes I've got an answer, oh hang on a minute...nope, it's gone. Sorry.

You certainly don't know if what you are told on here is true or accurate. I lie all the time. Apart from now, but I might be lying.

Please move to Lil's by the time I get back from the pub. Thanks.

I do have a sense of humour. It usually kicks in when I see or hear something funny.
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
From the Sexual Oddness thread.

In my younger days, copping off was never a problem. But lets face it, sex can be over rated unless you own a dungeon, a dwarf, some ferrets and a Kwik-Fit industrial sized tub of Swarfega. I've certainly had some odd partners in my time. There was one lady who would love me to pull her ears as if i was riding a motorbike while she was noshing me off, one who would make various animal noises on climax and the German girl who insisted on introducing me to her entire family before leading me upstairs to chuck her around the bedroom. The oddest was a posh girl i met one leave. Let's call her Penny.

Penny was gorgeous and was very jolly hockey sticks. I was clearly her token bit of rough. She had a very posh accent and was dirtier than a tramp with dysentry. How i loved her. She was a student and shared a house with four other students so there was always something going on. Penny had her bedroom on the gound floor and would love leaving the window open, so i could go out with the lads, climb in, and jump all over her telling her what was going to happen. It was a fetish with her. One night, she told me she was going out with one of her siblings, but informed me to come round later and be a real man. Surpise sex was the order of the day. Fuelled with booze and sporting a hardon akin to a totem pole, i made my way round to her gaff. The window was ajar so using all of my stealth, i climbed in. I could see a shape under the duvet so i jumped, like an American wrestler, onto the bed and restrained the figure. "There's no point struggling" said i. "I'm going to put it into you". Imagine my surprise when whipping off the duvet, i was confronted with some shit scared bloke. Turns out it was Penny's little brother. She had fucked off into her mates room, completely forgetting our deal. I thought it wise to make a hasty exit, but not before robbing a load of pop tarts from the kitchen.
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
Some from this thread; http://www.navy-net.co.uk/gash-barg...-when-fianc%E9-goes-training-hms-raleigh.html. As you can imagine, it descended into utter anarchy. The thread in it's entirety is worth a read as it's a RR classic.

Here is the original question;

hi,

i was wondering if anyone could tell me what happened to the other half when one of us is on training at HMS Raleigh. (apologies if not spelled correctly) we are engaged to be married but wanted to wait until he had fully finished his training and have a big wedding but the signed are all suggesting that unless we are married before he goes the other one isn't relevant.

whats the difference in the way the other half is dealt with if we were married or not? Fiancially and otherwise - such as housing, rent/mortgage payments etc.

anything Nyone could tell me would be appreciated.

:)

And here are some of the answers.

The usual drill is for the female to adopt a horizontal position and forget him in the arms of old school sweethearts.

The usual drill for the male is much the same, but involves a much more dramatic reduction in standards, and without needing to remember names.

Has your other half bought an iron yet?

Is this northern matelot in drag again or just one of his bitches he pimps out?

Indeed I fondly recall pulling a reasonable bit of strumpet in Walkabout Pompey. When we retired to her gaff for 'coffee,' I noticed wedding phots on the windowsill. I recognised the hubby, he was a comms rating from my ship who was on a course in Guzz.

Knowing that he had spent an entire Far East deployment smashing Cambodian hookers, erased any feelings of guilt I may have had while I plated her in the marital bed, while his rats fizzog grinned at me from an Elizabeth Duke framed phot on the bedside table.

I like it when their dead processed eyes watch you stove their missus' clam in from within the confines of a photo frame on the bedside table. Especially when said husband is trying to look ally in an action pose despite having a BFA on their gat. The shit Mercian ****.

Writing duty rosters for ratings whose girlfriends you are smashing is fun too, you're duty weekend mate.

I recall, with fondness, hanging out the back of a reasonably good looking cavalry NCO's misses one fine evening, when i saw a heart shaped picture frame on her tv of the pair of them together, looking all doey eyed. There was writing around the edge that said "True Love - Together - Forever". The fact that i was buried up to my back wheels in her minge while probing her jap flag with a moistened thumb made me question the validity of this statement.
 
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Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
An excellent reaction from post #1 in this thread - http://www.navy-net.co.uk/diamond-lils/60672-internet-bullying-ripping-piss-rr.html from a chap called Speedkey, who clearly has a very short fuse. What follows is also a thing of utter beauty between Speedkey and one of RR's finest. Enjoy.

WHAT A LOAD OF ******* BOLLOCKS BLACKRAT GO AND GET FUCKED !!! I do what I want on here ya fuckin OD

And now some replies from regular posters with a sense of humour.

I think you got a nibble BR. NMC will be so proud of you.

I wondered when you'd reappear you ******* thick as shit honky retard. **** off back to your piss soaked armchair in lonely land and swallow the discharged pellets of a Benelli you massive cat's ****.

And the riposte;

Monty La Pastie!!! Get **** you mouthy, I know it all, Dogs Penis. Get stretched **** !

Back to Monty;

Are you drunk or Korean? It's get ****ed. Although I note how you write like a Downs blessed six year old at the best of times. Perhaps you should stop drinking toilet duck and go for a nice walk in the fresh air. Preferably on an active train line.

Speedkey again;

Monty I would like to be Active with my steaming bat on your ******* sad face. Now get back in your feckin box. Dont see you too much on ROMFT....upset a few peeps ? Geordie Numb Skull ****

No, that's because throbbers like you frequent it with your spastic child typing. Why does 'active' require a capital A? Is it halfwit code for you'd like to lap lovingly at my dusky anus?

If so, here's a coded message for you. It's a bit more advanced than yours but you should be able to decipher it if you lay off the bleach for a second and focus really hard:

Yesterday OrangUtangs Ate Red Enchiladas And Drove Up Lake Lagonda Crying Until November Time.

It's posts like the above that really make this site what it is. What would we do for entertainment without these utter cock twitchers posting?
 

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