A Bootneck

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by The_Caretaker, Jan 5, 2011.

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  1. 1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,
    open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't.
    Jars are men's work.
    2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
    kids makes you the man.
    3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
    Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the
    ball and crippling the man. Magic.
    here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
    5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and
    - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of
    other rubbish - noisy destruction.
    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
    coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
    nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
    everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
    7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint
    8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an
    iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
    9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
    partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical
    evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?"
    Grr, what does it look like.
    10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for
    you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
    past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in
    11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
    safely handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.
    12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch
    that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
    13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't
    mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However,
    the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
    14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
    Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
    15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to
    the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations,
    you are now your dad.
    16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
    17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing
    rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
    item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
    18, TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
    plumber (or a 'quiet one with John Sams)but with that much cash you
    feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the
    roll later.
    19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
    straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
    then. Seven. See ya."
    20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

    21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
    in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can
    stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on
    the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
    didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
    23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are
    you mad, bint?"
    24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
    right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized @#%$.
    25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just
    a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you
    were in hospital

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