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NotmeChief said:
My my .... the petunias are growing well this year.

Which was the magic sentence that transformed the 5 gallon tin of LG280 into a 30 gallon drum of 30 year old Pussers Rum.

Slim was shocked. She might have to drink this stuff thus putting hairs on her chest. Whilst this was OK for blokes, it was embarrassing for females, though of course the crew all thought she was male.

Git some of that down you! Shouted Roddy and poured a pint down her gullet. Five minutes later Slim has a beard, hairy chest and hairy arse. S/he burst into tears, to everyone's amazement.
'What will the Jimmy say when he see's me' asked Slim.
'He'll never leave the Navigator for me now'

Thingy said 'Calm down dear,it only lasts for a short while,you'll be back to abnormal soon'

Slim sobbed into his/her white silk scarf that he/she always wore when on watch.

Just then the Captain of Royal Marines arrived and shouted..........
Slim, get below and blow your own trumpet. Major Tim's polished and greased it for you!

But, but I'm...

Keep silence lad. Down you go before I hit you with my rhythm stick.

Unfortunately Slim was of the generation who were unacquainted with 1970s pop music so s/he didn't get the double-entendre and thought Captain Crumbs was threatening violence, something which Slim had hoped to avoid in any form, during his naval career. Oh, thought Slim, if only armed conflict could be non-violent, and politicians could settle their differences through arm-wrestling contests or over a nice cup of hot tea.... Then she remembered most pollies were men. Ahem!

Please don't hit me. I hate violence.

Er? But your in the fcuking forces! Armed means using violence to make bad men behave and good men bitter and twisted.
Replied a startled Capt Crumbs.

You can borrow my teddy bear, but please..... Slim begged.

Capt Crumbs didn't know what to say, but before he got anywhere Mne Biggles suggested Slim deserved a Mess Scrubbing for being such a wimp.

Slim started to panic, she would be exposed as a counterfeit male. The next thing she did astonished everyone except the Navigator, who rather fancied cross-dressers, when she..........
Slim quickly logged on to the ships internet from his bunk space and searched for Rhythm Stick on Napster.

After listening to the song the real meaning dawned on him/her.

Im in with a chance after all he thought,he quickly showered and put on some of the L/Seamans Blue Stratos and went aft to the booties mess.....
There was silence. They all :drool: ... drooled. Buxom Slim minced his way over and proferred a roll mat (the traditional welcome sign between booties). The Big Marine (NZB) retrieved his mat from beneath his bunk and the two of them got to know each other in the way only booties do: rolling on the deck, naked, battering each other with their roll mats and squealing in ecstasy.

Their open mouthed oppos watched. Blobbs took out his Kodak Instamatic and inserted his last remaining flash cube*, HarryB took out his 8mm cine camera (the cinema was being rigged the following evening...) and the Ship's Photographer L/Phot Dunkers appeared wielding the latest in naval photography.....


*Newbies: this was flash photography before the electronic flashgun.
It was so big it needed wheels.
"How the hell did they get that down to 3 deck?" thought Slim as s/he took a massive knock to the head. Seeing stars s/he staggered to his/her feet and charged.
"Crash, bang wallop! What a picture", shouted Thing, quoting a line from his favourite film, as Dunkers pressed the shutter. He then wheeled the 3-man portable camera round and......
...pointed this new, deadly weapon at Captain Crumbs who immediately lined his lovats with chocoloate spread and got on his knees, just as Rosie passed by in her flip flops and towel after a shower in the PO Stoker's Mess.

Eeuk! She squeeled and kicked him in the groin. Just then Thingy appeared with his new found weapon of mass desicration: Norman......
licking out the non-pusser contents of Captain Crumb's lovats.

Suddenly Dunkers appeared with the Grandson of Starwars...


and pointed it at the cowering lumpensaleriat who responded by....
...filling his trollies once again.
"Cheeeeeeeeeese!", said Dunkers.
"Hardly" thought the rather confused but none-the-less amused Norman Wisdom.
He then proceeded to tell everyone what a barsteward his Dad had been before doing a silly walk straight down the now open MacGregor hatch.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", he said.
........Dunkers took a chance an clicked his flash cube round so as to use the second facet, (not all Newbies are seven!).
Quickly taking aim, no mean feat considering the size of his equipment, he knocked one out leaving Rosie slightly dazzled.
As she recovered and put on her flop-flips........
...she couldn't help looking thru the hatch at the smashed body of one of the UK's best loved comedians slumped over a diesel.
"That'll take a while to clean up", she thought.
The CO came bimbling along the passageway and was wondering why, after 1048 posts, a huge amount of p1ssing about, several failed coups, a smashed helicopter or 3 and a drunken brawl in Brest, there had been no Ship's Investigation. And what was this bloody great camera doing in his main drag?
Could they really be going for a double Skoot? Was such a thing possible?
"Only 952 to go", shouted the Thing......
951.... corrected the Skipper, looking jealously at Dunkers undersized body and massively oversized equipment and wondering if he would ever be able to shed the extensions he'd bought, at a greatly inflated price from Janner (Boat Chandlers) Enterprises Ltd in Guzz, whilst acquiring credibility amongst his more junior shipmates including the small Whitemouse who was scurrying off from the Stores (where he was Stores Security Inspector) with a baby Mars Bar between his Colgate-white teeth.

UA popped his head above the hatch and started reading out his latest poem 'Was Drake really a Walter, or is a Walter a Drake...' when the CO noticed a stunning bit'o'skin passing before his eyes.

Rosie, why are you only wearing your flip-flops, he enquired, noticing that she was only wearing her inflatables and a voodoo doll resembling the Solicitor General. She glared at him, then wielding the 12 inch long hat pin she'd been vaccinating the Solicitor General with, she thrust forward and plunged it into......

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