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Suddenly devasting news had hit the Headlines
newspaperromft.jpg


The Cabinet in the house of Commons were going berserk, rising inflation, Nurses threatening to go on strike, could it possibly get any worse?

On the back page of the Times in very small print was the news that North Korea was threatening to `let one go` if the Americans passed close enough to them for them to be able to launch a Strike, and that one of the Chinese Destroyers had struck and damaged an American Carrier the Chinese had said that this was an act of war.

Back on the Cockedup, Pinch had gathered our heroes in front of him and warned them that under no circumstances were they to approach the press, the Dabber started to cry and wailed..........................
 
Thingy's ipod slipped from his paw and dropped with a gentle 'plop' into the drink. This was later to have catastrophic consequences for the Toblerones, but in the meantime Hig......
 
Had pulled up a bollard and began to think where it would all end. The Cockedup was at anchor off the coast of Madagascar, a patrol had
been sent ashore to arrest Nutty and return with him to the ship, using force if neccessary, but Nutty the master of disguise was nowhere to be found.

What happened next was quite extraordinary, nobody seemed to have a clue, some said that the Americans had done a pre-emptive strike on North Korea, others surmised that the Russians had struck at America, no matter the reason, the whole earth was bathed in instant sunshine, it was over, kaput, no more make n` mends, Doomsday had arisen, mankind as we know it ceased to exsist.

The year was 2015, in New York, at the top of the Empire State building, stood Nutty, how he had got there no-body knows, for there was no-one left to explain. He had achieved what he had set out to do, World Domination, but he soon realised that with no-one left to dominate it was a hollow victory. He had decided to end it all, shouting " Look Ma, top of the world" he leaped to his death.

As he passed the thirteenth floor, he heard a telephone ring, as he rocketed toward the ground, headfirst, a split second before his brains shot through his arse, a smile had appeared on his face, for he had seen a piece of paper lying on the ground, and on this piece of paper was written a single symbol

It was


?
 
?

Indeed, but just as Higgy was having this dream, Nutty was lashing Hig's hammock up, with him inside, and carrying it over his shoulder to the ship's side to add protection against enemy canon. The Koreans had expended their only nuclear bomb on France and so were quelled and colonized by the blue forces. Finknottle helped Nutty secure The Hig to the port side, just as the Toblerones fired their first shot in anger, which left a hole in Rosie's newest red, patent leather, handbag: a definite act of war. She read out the Articles of War to the crew, many of whom were shitting themselves at the horrid thought that they might be killed... at the end of a rope, for deserting their post when the Andymen took them off for limp excision in the sick bay below. The stokers were left to shovel up the brown stuff and put it in the boiler to flavour the smoke, smoking the fish (16 pairs of submariners socks which had been skulking around in Nutty's locker) for supper.

The second bullet landed on the end of......
 
gunpowder barrel that thepig had set a fuse to as he drank a large glass of Hemlock, it was all over, some people just cant take the End he thought as a huge explosion blasted whichever ship he was on apart, killing everyone onboard.

THE END (from me anyway)
 
Where's me breakfast then Hig! Come on, move yerself! Shouted Mrs Hig. He woke up. No ship, no gunpowder... only a half chewed Toblerone on his bedside table, which had melted into a non-triangular shape under the hot lamp. Bugger, he muttered to himself, I'm not a famous naval hero after all, in which case what am I...

?
 
Back in the History of the Earth, before time was Thought of, in the dark ages, long before the Sun burst into this great ball of fire that we see to-day, there was.........................................


over to you thingy, count me out.
 
the earliest form of life: The Submariner. He was large, hairy and communicated by means of grunts and groans. 100 millions years rolled by, and the Submariner had multiplied. Now the Earth was dominated by two species: Homo submarinus and Homo terrestis. Deep beneath the swamp there lived the Kraken,a sea creature of gianormous proportions, called Norman, and at the other end of the seething globe called Earth, there was a boat called HMS Bootneck, named after some green coloured organism called a Royal Marine (H. terrestis), that like the submarine, could only be spotted when it allowed itself to be spotted. Down on the deck of the Bootneck two submariners Nutty the Bold and Jaques le Douste were playing a strange game by the name of Uckers, with two Royals, NZB (no one knew what his real name was) and his oppo, Blobby. The mixiblobs were obstructing the progress of the game when suddenly.......
 
A Landrover Discovery appeared, driven by a small scruffy looking individual.

It slowed to a stop and out piled three people. The driver, looking for all the world like a late 20th Century tv character called Baldrick, a tall man with long hair and dirty fingernails who was carrying a shovel and an old bloke wearing a stripey jumper.

"Oh God", muttered the Hig, loud enough for everyone in Pompey dockyard to hear, "Its bloody Time Team. More f*cking digging. Better pipe for the duty watch"
 
And down they dug into the depths of prehistory, when sailors were men and men wore trousers and wenches were women and women didn't wear trousers. They gasped as they discovered the perfectly preserved HMS Bootneck, older than Holland I and much older than TV personality, Madeline Hig, whose long golden hair covered her shoulders. Off came the Hig-wig and the Big-wig addressed the TV camera, in her characteristic squeeky voice, that resembled that of the current Princess Royal.

Here we hev the perfectly preserved remains of an ancient beyt from the times befur yore. One wonders what mate be inside?

Maddy Hig opened the hatch, which was suprisingly loose and heard a deep voice from within shout:

Shut that f*cking door Mam! You'll let in the oggin!

It was.....
 
Janner, who was in the process of convening the 2009 Barrow-in-Furness Submariners Conference added...

If you haven't got dolphins sod off!

But eve brought herf a cask of Pessers rum which was retrieved from the Mercian Metelows tot ceremeny in Spain, said Hig.

Well why the feck didn't you say so mam! Get the feck down 'ere with that cask!

It's rerver heavy, my man.

Right lads, out with the sheerlegs and in with the rum!

30 seconds later the rum cask was at the bottom of the ladder, the hatch closed and locked and Hig and the TV crew were outside screaming blue murder. Finknottle intervened. He knocked on the hatch and shouted.....
 
"B@st@rds! All of you. Get this hatch open....NOW!!"
"Bugger off" retorted Janner. "This is my party and I say who comes in".
Fink looked at Hig. They both eyed the TV Crew.
An evil smile marched its way across Hog's face......
 
He unbuttoned his kilt and in front of millions of viewers revealled his true secret. Janner's eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw the evidence and knew immediately that true men and ladyboys wore pink frilly undercrackers under their kilts. It was shocking, but worse was to come as Miss Higgy whipped off her blouse to reveal.......
 
a pair of size 40DD falsies,an air tube was visible for further inflation (should the occasion arise),also one side had a concealed compartment containing a flask of Pussers, while the other was opened to show a half scale ,highly polished wheelspanner . A thundering of steaming bats,announced the arival of the aft end stokers detail,who gazed open mouthed at the sight.What was Miss Higgy about to reveal next???,could it be??, Nah, impossible,that she was really ........
 

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