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DE had been standing, naked, infront of the House of Ill Repute's thin patio window when Rosina had walked past in the red high heels she'd just bought from the local branch of Prada. DE was a shoe fetishist. When he'd spotted Rosina approaching he'd jumped out of Sister Mary's bed and stared out of the window, eyes glazed.

Suddenly the ships snotty, Middy Rache arrived, armed with bandages, iodine and something chewy for DE to bite on*, proceeded to repair our injured matelot, who was still in a state of shock.

Rosie screamed as she looked at the bloodstained matelot before her. There was a little Whitehouse by DE's feet, who was clutching a Mars bar between its gleaming white teeth. She screamed again. Andy appeared, armed with his Pusser hacksaw and sawed off.....

* :censored:
A member of the public ( I know it should be seen off)

Oh what a wicked web we weave, when first we practice to..................but i digress, the punch up started in the Latin Quarter, it got bad, really, really bad, if i were to describe the scene of blood and snot, it would be culled, for there are young impressionable minds reading this, so it is best left to your imagination.

Onboard the Cocked up, Sgtpepper the Master at arms was tearing his hair out, he had already sent extra patrols ashore to bring back the patrols that he had sent earlier, who had abused their position and got disgracefully pissed and paraletic, there was only one thing to do, he approached the First Lieutenant, Norman( the Unbalanced )and begged him to hoist the Blue Peter, he then ordered his Marines led by Harry Bosch armed them with pick axe handles and said " Right Guys, lets do it".
Hats would be doffed and heads would roll.

Back in the Houses of Parliament the deputy of the deputies deputy of the Minister of defence, they were scraping the barrel as everyone was too siht scared to take the job, stood and and made a statement that a cargo ship suspected of carrying weapons of mass destruction ( This had come via the CIA) Was heading for Madagascar and arrangents were being made to have it arrested and if this was not possible, to remove it, as it were.

The Liberals started to shake their fists, and shout of British injustice, The Member for the BNP, shouted " Heil Hitler", punched his fist in the air and screamed "go for it." Pandemonium and panic broke out in the House.

Back in the Port of Brest, this once great bastion of the French Fleet, the place was looking more like a disaster area as the clean up operation began

On board the Cocked up, the Cap`n Rosie turned to her first Lietenant and said.......................................................................

Due to an error at the printers who do not know their arse from their elbow , wherever the word Brest Appears, Delete and insert the word Toulon.
Tool-on? I don't need a tool-on, I need a :censored: ....

Thingy passed the couple, thoroughly stokered, and limped back to his mini-hammock, jumped up and turned in. The stokering had worn him out.

Meanwhile, ashore in Breast, the Master and his merry gaggle of Crushers, wielding their pickaxe handles, paid a visit to the Mayor, Monsieur Mitts, hero of the French Resistance and Vichy collaborator, and demanded gold bullion with menaces. The gold bullion was surrendered immediately, but the Mayor's menaces were completely exhausted, so he offered his daughter, Finknottle, instead. The Master fancied Finknottle and agreed, carrying her home under his arm.

The sailors were still ashore when Sgtpepperband returned laiden with gold bricks and the maiden. Rosie looked at him and said: We haven't got the space for all your treasure. Toss the gold in the oggin and the Madame in the Stokers Grot. Bugger thought the Master, now he'd have to buy cut-price supplies for his S&M parlour (the ships cells) due to Treasury cut-backs. He took Finknottle below and unwillingly surrendered her to the curious stokers, all but one of whom had never had sex with a woman, so the Junior would have to teach them what to do.......
Onboard the `Buggered` The Cap`n asked the Chief Engineer Levers, " tell me again why we cannot sail?" His reply was " No Stim" " and what do you mean by that? the Cap`n Queried, the reply was devastating " The Fecking feckers fecked sir"

Due to cutbacks in the armed forces there was no option but to put the crew up in first class hotels and wait for repairs to be made, which according to the Ministry of Defence, could take years.

Onboard the Cockedup, Sgtpepper put his head in his hands, never in his six months experience had he ever seen so many requests to swap drafts, being a fair and honest man, as he heard the anchor being weighed he threw them into the shredder.

The cockedup set sail, to intercept an unknown cargo vessel, meantime down in the Stokers Grot, drunken engineer was looking for Ninja Stoker to do a particular dirty job, as we all know the Ninja is a master of disguise and could not be found anywhere, which was always a problem with Ninja`s. And so the cockedup sailed into Glory, it is well to remember dear reader that Glory can be a two edged sword.

On the bridge the Officer of the watch Maxie turned to Ordinary seaman Jenny Dabber, who had lost the plot and asked her.......................

She was about to shout SECURE when a large dollop of melted ice cream landed on her head, donated by a passing seagull.

Oh yummy! cried the Dabber, and retrieving a ships biscuit from up her cassock, she proceeded to devour the "ice cream"

Interesting flavour, Maxi sir. Would you like to try some? She said.

Er, I'll defer it on this occasion, your reverence.

Meanwhile down below all the stokers, even the legendary Ninja, were astonished to discover that women didn't have toggles. Ninja swore He'd once slept with a woman in some very humid country... but she'd deffo had toggles.

Look 'ere, said the Junior, I learned all about female anatomy at the G Spot, so I KNOW what I'm talking about. I spent 12 months in the sickbay getting backclassed just to learn more about real life from the Wren Nurses... ermmmmmm, happy days... he thought to himself.

They looked at him in awe. They KNEW he was right, 'cause he'd been to the dreaded G Spot.

So WHAT did I sleep with then? Asked Ninja, suddenly feeling seasick...

And me too?...

And me?

Me as well?

Asked his messmates, now his oppos for life.

Er, well, er... The fact be known, the Navy hadn't taught him about Ladyboys so he hadn't the foggiest idea WHAT they had slept with.

LADYBOYS!!! shouted Higs, with a smirk on his face!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Came the chorus of stokers. NOT US! We're REAL MEN and sailors!

Suddenly a pipe came from Leatherneck, who had not yet mastered the English common argot........

The loose bedknobs in my cabin need wanking off. Chippy, where are you?

So Chippy NZ Bootneck left the Marines Mess, where he'd been helping some of the lads roll up their rollmats for a sparring contest that evening, and went off to Leatherneck's cabin to do some wanking, as instructed.

In the colony of the USA this meant something entirely innocent, but not in Britain (or Lesbos).

You're adding unnecessary detail to my tale of derring do, said the Hig, who added....
It is prudent to engage brain before opening mouth...............The Cockedup was at anchor awaiting her turn to go through the Suez Canal, alongside were the usual bum boats and climbing up the after scrambling net that had been thrown down for him was the ` Gulli Gulli man` These are supreme magicians, sleight of hand and all that crap.

The off watch crew including the Flag Officer Pinch ( Whathefecksgoingon) were mustered on the arse end to see the performance, The `Gulli Gulli` man asked Pinch for his Gold Rolex watch that he had recently purchased from the NAAFI and was still paying for it, placed it into a small bag, took a two pound hammer and marmalised it.

The blood drained from the Admirals face, he was as white as a stoker coming on to the upper deck for the first time, but the `Gulli Gulli man` Offered him a sandwich that had appeared from nowhere beneath his clothing, " Go on" said the ` Gulli Gulli man` " guess whats in it? "

The Admirals face lit up with delight, " Thank God my watch " he replied with great relief " No " said the ` Gulli Gulli man` " Cheese and pickle "

The crew roared with delight, the ` Gulli Gulli man ` Then did his most astonishing trick, one that they all do.

He drew from his pocket his collecting tin and when he looked around there was no-one to be seen, he had made the whole crew disappear, except for Sgtpepper who took him by the scruff of the neck and threw him over the side, luckily a bum boat was below him which cushioned his fall as he fell through it.

The transit through the Canal passed without interest, that is until they came to the great lakes where...............................................
out of nowhere the entire crew reappeared, each with a gold Rolex circumnavigating their wrist, except Thingy, who sported a very dashing pink gold collar with his name encrusted in diamonds. Pinch looked anguished at his wrist and noticed that he too had been blessed with a watch, a stainless steel Storm watch with a thick blue glass watchglass which ran off solar power. Well, he said to himself, why fret over a watch costing £80 (a year's wages in those days) when he had a nice watch costing less than £1.

The stokers were all chuffed that their watches actually worked and could cope with the heat below without melting.

The lakes glistened in the majestic, golden sun, and the crew stripped off and dived in. About a third of the crew drowned because they'd forgotten they couldn't swim, but the rest enjoyed the water with its uncharacteristically familiar aroma of.........
Sewage as only the Suez Canal has.

Flagwagger was on the bridge, binoculars in hand, suddenly he cried out to Cap`n Rosie "I think that`s it Boss" "What she cried" "The Cargo ship that we are supposed to be tracking" " Has a Panamanian flag of convenience and the chinese crew are all on the upper deck with dhobey buckets "

The hairs on Rosies crutch stood on end, she had`nt felt that way since she was in the RNR at the fire school, and some hairy stoker had slipped his enormous tool into her hand, and with disdain she threw it to one side, saying as she did so " You`re not putting that thing in me " and his reply being " Oh FFS, don`t drop it in the muck ".

She made a command descision, they would lurk around untill the Freighter cleared the Canal then would put ` Operation Got you by the balls` into action.

Meanwhile down in the main galley Father Famine was saying to the Chief Cook...........................................................
Whats the soup to-day Chief.

Meanwhile on the island of Madagascar, the French , true to form, had ran away, saying things like " Sacre bleu " and " OMG It`s Pepe le pew " this last remark was due to the fact that the leader of the Toblerones was one evil wicked smelly little git called Nutty, who quite some considerable years before had deserted his Submarine when he was in the RN. Most people when you get round to it are afraid of heights, but Nutty was afraid of Depths, he had made his way to spain and had made squillions with his time sharing scam, when he heard of the oil strike in Madagascar he made his move, this was to be the start of his `world domination` plan.

Back in the Houses of Parliament the Speaker had restored order by going round twatting any MP who looked at him directly, they were a brave load of MP`s as well we know. The Prime Minister started to make a speech, the situation in the Indian Ocean had become a nightmare, the Americans were sending six Carrier battle groups from the Pacific, and at the same time a Chinese Fleet had been spotted leaving Chinese territorial waters, things were taking a turn for the worse. The Cockedup must act at once, there was no time to lose.

When the Cap`n of the Cockedup recieved the signal to stop farting around and get on with it, she swung into action, she hoped that the ships Helicopter would be serviceable, but with Slim in charge of the Flight, it would take more than luck.

Leading Seaman Jenny Dabber, she had been working ( Fnar, Fnar ) her way through the ratings was detailed off as coxswain of the seaboat, Harrybosch would control the Boarding party, with Bergan Ex Rubberdaager and a leatherneck that was on exchange duties. The Naval Contingent consisted of Maxie and Ninja Stoker, they had found him in the spud locker making a noise like a spud, and Thingy who was sobbing quietly and checking the batteries in his I Pod. As the Seaboat was lowered into the water the Freighter was about four miles off its Port Quarter, Jenny Dabber said " Up Revs Stokes " and they were on their way to intercept.

A couple of minutes later they opened their bag meals provided by Father Famine, Leatherneck took out a sandwich and said......................................
...'Mmmmmmmmm, my favourite.... smoked testicle of Frenchy in a sesame bap smothered in fiery chilli sauce and a tub of side salad with a bucket of coca cola...' otherwise known as an American lite-lunch... though of course we all know that the testicle did NOT actually originate from a Frenchy as they do not possess the said item.

Thingy, who was glad to be a batchelor, after all the tales of married woe, opened his brown paper bag and was impressed to find his favourite too: poached trout coated in aspic (to retain the moisture) with baby asparagus a poached quails egg on top and a bowl of chilled strawberries in chablis cream. It took him exactly 1 m 34s seconds to devour the trout and a further 20 minutes to relish the strawberry mess, his chin covered in chablis scented cream. He was glad he'd left his pink gold collar in his kit locker, otherwise it would have been covered in cream and the diamonds would have shredded his tongue as he licked all the cream off the diamonds. He took out his iPod and began listening to the famous German soprano, Elisabeth Blackhead, singing Mozart's Cat song.

Back on board our merry ship, Rosie and Jenny's alter ego were working through the remaining sailors except Ninja Stoker, who's alter ego kept mumbling something about 'but REAL women MUST 'AVE TOGGLES.... they must.... they must...' It was tragic, but the fact was that Dartmouth didn't teach the facts of life to officers, assuming they must have learnt about sex, women and all that at prep school with Matron and their, er, Housemaster... :roll:

Just as Hig was about to have his turn with Rosie, the signalwoman waved her semaphore flags furiously. Rosie, who'd learned flag semaphore in the RNR from an ex-RNXS Comms rating who didn't realise semaphore was obsolete outside the RNXS :oops: , jumped out of Higgy's arms and made her way to the Bridge, shocked by the signal, which read:


The message had finished before it began, she observed, alarmed. But WTF did it mean??? Where was a Communicator when you needed one?

Then Flagwagger stepped forwards and said, 'Ma'am, I can't understand it either, but I know someone who can....' and with that he took out a well thumbed copy of Yellowpages and said, 'Look there, just the person we need......
Some twat to interpret the last piece of the puzzle, do we have two Jenny Dabbers Now? And two NJ`s? Perhaps someone is not following the plot, or has lost it.

As they boarded the Freighter they were amazed to find no weapons of mass destruction at all, it was a Chinese Laundry Boat, "Holy shit " said Harry, " what now? " " We`d best get back to mother " whined Maxie as they climbed into the seaboat, they suddenly found themselves surrounded by six North Korean Gunboats who demanded their immediate surrender, The Dabber lit another fag, Thank Feck she said to herself, hope this is where the rape begins, Thingy burst into tears, but our heroes are made of sterner stuff than a certain escapade that had shamed the RN in the past.

Harry Bosch was having none of it, he had a heavy machine gun under each arm, Bergen had a pair of Matching shotguns, exrubberdagger had an Uzi in his hip pocket and a bren gun tucked under his arm, the Leatherneck had a little flag on top of his Navy carbine, with the words ` remember the Alamo` on it, Maxie had an AK47, Ninja Stoker took a firm grip on his wheel spanner, Thingy plugged his I Pod into a pair of speakers, and The Dabber lit yet another fag.

As Harry screamed " Lock and Load" Thingy blasted out on his I pod, ` Land of hope and Glory ` Then in a calm voice Harry said " Open fire "

It was a massacre, the six gunboats were no match for our heroes, as they sank to the bottom along with the bloodied corpses of their crews, A great sadness overcame these Stalwart Mariners, Maxie was thinking " Shit, whats the Buffer going to say about the paintwork" Bergan asked if there were any butties left, and the seaboat turned towards Mother," up revs stokes " said the Dabber, and they turned towards the Cockedup.

Onboard the Mother ship Pinch was watching in horror at the events of the last few minutes, he turned to Flagwagger and said in grave tones, " Make the signal....................................................
........Speak in a French accent and report French Naval sinking of six North Korean Gunboats for laughing at the red pompoms on OUR matelots lids.'

This was done. Fifteen minutes later France no longer posed a threat to Britain, and Dover overlooked the new Sea of Dover. Only the regions of Champagne, Calvados and Rhone survived, which was just as well, as their liquid produce was much admired by the Britons.

As they boarded the Cocked Up or was it the Buggered, I've lost track :oops: Ninja and the Dabber were reunited with the alter ego's, both of which were exhausted (their alter egos, that is), the Buffer shouted to the Dabber:


But it was too late, for the FFO vapour had just come into contact with her cigarette and the cigarette was a write-off, and it was the last fag on board too (well apart from Thingy)! The Dabber burst into tears, but Thingy was there to put his paws around her and to calm her down he licked her nipples with his rough tongue, which made them go oddly firm.....

Hig, said he, you know about women. There's something wrong with her nipples. Should I meow for the Andyman?

NOOOO! Cried Hig, desperate to get the Dabber into his pit, I'll deal with the situation!

And he took her below to the Seaman's messdeck, where he lived now that Rosie had taken over the COs Cabin all for herself.

Whilst all this was going the situation with the Toblerones had worsened and was rapidly reaching meltdown, leaving a brown sticky mess for the RN, or rather it's stokers, to clear-up, when........

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