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Thought I`d post this again here due to overwriting

There are many more tales in Nutty`s little black book, from Crimes of Passion, Crimes of Fraud, even crimes of little boys nicking apples from his orchard.

If anyone wants to hear of these tales you only have to say so, 23,128 people have read these tales, it would be nice if more joined in.

Remember dear readers, Imagination is all in the mind.
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As the screams of Superintendent Rosiancarley faded into small wimpers and loud declaration to her religious leader a small furry creature scurried furtivley through the streets below the inposing bulk of Dover Castle and slipped into the snug of the Smugglers Arms, gathered around the uckers table were the normal group of Rogues, Vagabonds and Nare-do-Well’s
with their leading Vagabond Higgy. Yer ain't going to believe this but the Yanks have turned upon our brave boys in Basra and forced them into a small enclave to the south of the town they have thir backs to the beach and the MOD having no ships of its own and its normal contractors are demanding vast somes of dosh wiv no kick backs, have asked all with small ships and boats to form a fleet and sail to the beaches to save our boys and bring them home.

"Wot under fire" asked Dabs the Deep let me get my S-O-C-K and I am cummi....................................................
 
These are great? Said the excited monosock called Brazenhussy, formerly the proud possession of Nicks the Submariner and now the prize possession of Pol the Sheep as he rammed his.....
 
Thumb in his mouth and began to suck, thinking at the same time, what the fucks going on here, where is this going, an oddjob of words or a tale in the making, bollocks he said to himself as he....................
 
bollocks he said to himself as he....................

picked up his monosock, went down to the engine room and filled it up with Swarfega.

"I'm off for a Tommy Tank Chief" he said with a grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

"On your own my son" replied the Chief, "How's about a little bit of company and we could...............................
 
Poor Brazenhussey! She was disgusted. These Raleigh lads just didn't know how to treat a monosock! She remembered the halcyon days in Nicks kit locker at the G Spot where every trainee had a special dedicated monosock compartment; where monosocks were lovingly dhobied each morning and hung up up to dry in the warm drying room only to be taken to bed every night and loved! How had it come to this! She spat out the swarfega, and to everyones astonishment slid up th pipework past the golden rivet which AAC was peering at, having asked a Stoker to show him what it looked like, and out of the hatch straight into Father Famine's dhobey bucket - warm, soapy... ermmmm.

Meanwhile on Al'jazeera a broadcast had just been made calling for all small boat owners to come to the rescue to Blighty now that the Fleet consisted only of HMS Victory and HMS V Sign in Whitehall. British soldiers were under attack by their former US allies who couldn't tell the difference between friend or foe and didn't care. Only British pluck could save the day and rescue them to fight another day against the Mighty Boosh! The plan was simple. They were to assemble at Dover and navigate the French canal system to reach their destination. Hig who was barely 19 and knew nothing of the ways of the world asked "Why would anyone want to visit France?" His messmates looked at him in astonishment..........
 
Meanwhile somewhere in France a French Woman was washing her keks in a bucket of cold water outside surrounded by green and verdant countryside, a great river just a few kilometers down the road, and dreaming about the sea. She had been learning Inglish and hoped she might one day meet a British matelot and together they could make.......
 
Well gentle readers, this seems to have died off a bit of late, so whilst we wait for the Bond epic to continue, lets start a little Tale, with a difference tho, no Sailors Tale, No Murder Mystery Tale, oh no, a tale of Peace, love and understanding. a tale that had it been discovered a long time ago, it would have changed the history of mankind.

The other day whilst strolling in the caves at Lossiemouth a young shepherd boy found some scrolls on an ancient parchment, these have been deciphered and so for the very first time, here it is, a story that predates the Bible by at least a week, in fact a BIBLICAL TALE of such enormity it will frighten your children, scare your Mum and Dad shitless, and quite frankly gives me the willies to think about it.

In the begining there was **** all, nowt, zilch, but there was a God and he decided that shit was going to happen, so he said "let there be light" and bejasus there was. He then set about painting caves, burying Mammoth tusks and sumerian shards, all that was buried in the earth made he, oil, coal the lot, then he looked around and saw that what was needed was some life on this wilderness, so out of nothing he made all things that flew, all things that walked and crawled upon the earth, and the last thing he decided to do before he got his head down was to make Man.

He made man out of dust in his own image, after he`d invented the mirror,
and saw that he was good, and he called him Nutty, when he saw that he was lonely, and in the middle of the night he took a rib from nuttys side and made what he called Woman, who he named Rosie, he then said "let there be light again" and invented the switch to be controlled by the Sun and the Moon.

In the morning Nutty looked at himself and saw an appendage, he looked at Rosie and noticed that she didnt have one, and the word was begat, so he begat her, and went for a swim in the sea, Rosie Followed him, but from above a voice boomed out, NO ROSIE dont go in, so she went back and lay down, then Nutty got back and begat her again and ran into the sea once more, she followed and once more a voice Boomed out NO ROSIE dont go in, but rosie said " **** you " and ran into the sea, God put his head in hands and said " FFS now all the fish will smell like that"

And so it came to pass that after all the begatting there were three children born of Rosie, (who hated the little *******) Dondon, dunkers and the funny little shit that only had initials AAC.

Now they lived in a Garden, The Garden of England, now known as Kent, but there were rules to be obeyed, there was an abundance of food but they could not eat from the Tree of Justice, this was forbidden, for if they ate from this tree all the ills of the world would be released and they would have to leave, but there was also a sneaky little turd in the Garden, known as Sneaky Pete, and he sidled up to Rosie one day while she was doing the dhobying and whispered in her ear.....................................
 

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