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And so we leave this tale of Glory, proving once again, only on Rum Ration, can the truth turn to shit, but do not be dismayed, there has been 19,610 readers to date on this obscure little thread started with a ?, so it is only fitting that at this festive time of the year, we turn our thoughts to those less fortunate than ourselves, in a story of such depravation and squalor that come Christmas morning, you will be truly grateful to wake up surrounded in Pigshit.


By Charles ********

Performed and re- written by the cast of that famous band of rogues from Rum Ration.
We open this scene in one of the worst workhouses known to man, tis in the depths of Guzz Dockyard, the fog is freezing. the rain goes right through you, and during a flash of lightening we see Wompers and her three children ( one of each) clad only in rags, wompers has not a stitch to her back, but there are three holes in her skin, she is being escorted by AAC henceforth known by his own admission as Tiny Tim. As they approach the workhouse, the wails and screams of the inmates can be heard throughout the Dockyard, Tiny Tim leads them through the gates, as the gates slam shut behind them, Nutty the Prison Chaplain appears and says in a loud cruel voice.........................................................
Ahhhhh,more Meat for the Grinder!He yelled for SGT pepper the Workhouse beadle.He sidled up with his oppo( well he thinks hes his oppo)with his nose buried in the Workhouse Book of Rules and Punishments.He wasnt reading it,he just had a book sniffing fetish.............
As they stood there in the yard being comforted by Nutty, they noticed that, in the corner, in chains were three skeletal figures sat in their own spew and shite, gibbering together, Sgtpepperband, Sledgehammer and Subbo, they were obviously off their trolleys and did not understand what was happening around them, such is the fate of Idiots. It was a grave mistake that was made to assume that Sgtpepperband was the Beadle, for he also told anyone that would listen that he was Napoleon.
Now Dunkers, the Governor of the prison, approached Wompers and as they gazed into each others eyes, Wompers heart missed a beat and Dunkers put his hands in his pockets to try and stop his willy from jumping around, he instructed Tiny Tim and Nutty to escort them to his private quarters, where they were washed clothed and fed. They were then taken to a clean corner of the prison where fresh straw was thrown down for them. As they settled down for the night, suddenly Father Famine the prison cook entered pissed out of his brain, he had been ashore with some old mates of his from a slaving ship that was tied up in the dockyard, as he waddled off to his quarters, a voice out of the darkness cried........................................
A Horse!A Horse!My kingdom for a Horse!
It was Dabs the Geordie looking for a new lover,luckily it was comong from the next cell.Tiny Tim was all aquiver when he heard Dab's dripping............................................
about having to carry on with his trade of picking up all the shite and spew from the yard, as he had done every day since he first fell in love with his horse, he bought a cart out of his gratuity and had done a deal with Andrew Miller, that they would re-cycle the effluence and feed it to the Regulators as Brain Food, tho in those days they were called Press Gangs, which is why, that even to-day, if you were to shout "Oi Shit For Brains" you would be guaranteed to get a reply from one of the Reggies.
It was while he was carrying out this daily task that Maxie, one of the Prison Warders sidled up to him and whispered..........................
Swap you me pet sheep for yer hoss, matey! Sheepy has been on the high seas and fought off the Frenchies with Nelson, baaaarring all who tried to set foot on the hallowed polished deck with their hobnailed boots on.

Dabe was mightily impressed and swapped on the spot, handing over his hoss, Pussers Rum to Maxie, who was to make his fortune at the Grand National before converting Pussers Rum to dog meat.
Dabe was so pissed off with this that he reverted to his proper name which was Dabs, and in revenge for what Maxie did to his only true love, he swapped the sheep for a pig and took it oop north where he shagged it till he dropped, then threw the sprightly pig over Hadrians Wall, its first born being the founder of the Scots race.
Returning to the Workhouse, Dabs was concerned that Dunkers was in an extremely irritable mood, it appeared he was having difficulty getting Wompers and her children released into his care, for he was smitten with her beauty and the prospect of a good hard shag so he approached the Chaplain and enquired whether or not he could........................................
...purchase them as laid down in the Holy Book of Queen's Regulations and Admiralty Instructions. The Chaplain, who was a Regulation Fundamentalist and believed in the litteral truth of the whole of the QR&AIs, immediately agreed, selling mum and kids for the equivalent of 25/- a princly sum in those days - almost a year's wages for an Chimney Sweep 1st Class in Her Majesty's Grey Funnel Line.

Dunkers was overjoyed, but keen to make up the money he'd lost he quickly summoned Sarge the Recruiting PO to sign on Wompers son, Euanblyar, as a Chimney Sweep 2nd Class in the Victorian Navy, and he was packed off and Dunkers was 5/- richer. Next Wompers daughter, Emilyblyar was packed off into Service as a Scullery Maid in The Big House down the street lived in by Admiral Fishermans-Friend and this earned Dunkers another 5/- commission. Finally the intersexed child Oojamygit was sold to the Circus as a freak (as might Tiny Tim, has they only known...) for 15/-. Having broke even our fiscally dour Scot, Dunkers, carried Wompers into the loft and over a cup of nice hot tea, proceeded to...............
show her the Promised Land amidst Loving offers of Holy Wedlock............................................................

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