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The Old_Bill arrived from Wakefield with a flashing blue light atop his helmet and screaming "dee-dah-dee-dah..." as he rode through the seas on his sea horse, bringing a message from Good Queen Bess for Sir Francis Duck, which read:

Ducky dear....
Eh? muttered Sir Francis. He couldn't make head nor tail of this cryptic message. What did it mean?

Why did Queen Bess want two hats, and why was Duck deep in the drink?

Hig came to the rescue and shouted out:

Oi, matey, you're messing up the story!

Old Bill looked up from his notebook in which he'd been jotting down a poem displayed on a noticeboard nailed to the big wide mast in the middle 'If...'...
Shit in which AAC was mirrered. Old Bill kick started his trusty Nag with five lace holes up the jacksy and loped off shouting clear the way for the Queen and his mate Ducky.

Ducky was like a duck out of water in Yorkybar Land oh how he missed Jannerland with its fine oggies and scrumpy. This frothy beer and black pudding crap was getting up his nose. The Queen said to Whitby Ducky we have to set in motion the birth of Cooky so we get first baggsies of the Land of the Upside Down People who are just itching to get their hands on our ashes. Well over my dead body says Ducky. That can be...................
....arranged, said Old Bill, for a start, snorting frothy beer and black pudding is an offence under Section 375 of the the Barbed Wire and One Legged Pigeons Act of 1658 (Or 5 o'clock if your clock isn't accurate)

Secondly, your passports ain't valid for God's Country, and you can't induce birth without a licence. I sentence you to be transported to Van Demens Land forthwith and without passing go. " Go forth and multiply" said Old Bill, but he went fifth and lost his beer money.

Rosy comes up and says "Avast there, this is a miscarriage of justice ......
Whilst all this is going on, Old Bill gets promoted to Badgeman for his deriliction to duty and zeal, not to mention treason in deporting The Queen. "TREASON! I said not to mention treason
The Queen said to Old Bill how about a treasom with me and Ducky. Then you can forget about deportations and I can forget about sending you to the Tower.

No!No!,No! not the tower anything but the Tower, all them water bossy swim boys and the Chief Instructor telling me I must do big blow job all the way up. Then the fetish kicks in and they dress you in a orange rubber suit, make you pee yourself into a big nappy and then force you into the towers deep abyss. I can't cope with nautical sexual fantasy. Just..................
But it was too late, for the smell of Treason was in the air. The crew sniffed suspiciously then noticed that AAC had filled the hammock walled, sorry bulkheaded, swimming pool with tears of sorrow (he may have been transTROGrified at the time also: who knows?) and FF had deposited 300 Kent apples coated in Harrogate toffee (supplied by Old Bill) into the brine. They bobbed up and down like so many skimmers in the oggin. FF shouted:

Last one in does the washing up!

The pool was filled with arms, legs, matelots all fighting over the apples - no holds barred. FF had his stop-sundial out and after exactly 7 minutes (give or take the odd 5 minutes or so) the Boatswain blew on his pipe and they all stopped. Thus was born the traditional naval sport of water polo. The winners each got a packet of Polo Mints and the losers were twatted with a wooden spoon and send below to do the washing up.

Suddenly The Queen appeared, a small barque owned by Higthepig Enterprises Limited used for carrying baccy and scran to the ships moored offshore. Nutty immediately bought two crates of Mars bars and watched as the Whitemouse grabbed one between its teeth and scurried away tween decks. Old Bill shouted:

'Ere Whitemouse...
"You cheeky Git!That was going to be mine!i won it by beating the Ships company at Uckers!"Old Bill was at his side in an instant,but it was too late!deep within the bowls of the vessel(if you listened really hard)you could hear Finknottle getting well worked over by a few of his "Ex Navyoppos",but further for'rad a small thin reedy voice could be heard,"i was supposed to get Married!Why wasnt i Married?"It was Wompers, recently returned from the Quarantine Hulks after a severe case of Giant African Snail Itch.....................
She crawled out between the gratings and sniffed, her nose reindeer red her eyes still sodden as a civvy and Rosie came up to her, patted her on the back and said:

There, there, that will be 20 Guineas plus Porthole Tax please!

Just as she tried to extort poor Womps the PO Stoker emerged and twatted her with a wheel spanner made of grey felt and she collapsed on to the deck in a fit of giggles, fully transMOGGYfied. The PO Stoker then grabbed the Blue Bear and went below to discuss Trains with Andy.

Perched on the still warm canons, sat Nutty and Old Bill chatting about their time in the Pre-Peelites, hunting down criminals and potato thieves, confiscating the tatties and peeling them for England to make chips.

Suddenly there was a dull plopping sound coming from aloft. It was Levers who was misaligned on the button, the lightning conductor having become bent. F*ck! moaned Hig and climbed aloft to secure the fairy back to the tree.

Meanwhile Queen Bess was was being told off by the PO Stoker to fetch him a long weight. Off she sped, in her cunning disguise, and waited outside the Stores......
Interesting creatures, Gigantic African Snails, they are sworn never to harm a human being you know. I once rode one from Mombasa to Nairobi, but that's another story (Black Cat forum perhaps?)

Back to the plot (if ever there was one?) Nutty and Andy, extremely dis-chuffed at having lost their Mars Bar, began the rumblings of a mutiny. The Queen, in fear of her life said, "Old Bill, as you seem to be the only one of my subjects who is relatively in touch with reality around here, please bring some order to this madness" Old Bill, in his infinite wisdom, rummaged around in the bottom of the barque rented from HigthePig Enterprises Ltd, and found a box of Ritz biscuits. He empied the box at his feet and adressed the crumby bunch. "We are gathered here today to witness the joining of Wompers and whoever, in holy dreadlock, but before we do, allow me to introduce you to everyone, I'm sure you'll get along, they're all crackers too!"

Whereupon the Queen said, "Whoa!, what is this? I command you to bring order to this fracas" Andy says, "you can Frack all the Ass you want lady, I want my Mars bar"

At this point a rather large gentleman in a gorilla suit approaches and says, in a very deep voice, " Ello, Ello, Ello, what's all this then?" The whitemouse re-appears and says, "can I have another Mars Bar?" The gorilla says, "My name is Eric and I f**k mice" "Ooooh" giggled the whitemouse, "how do you manage that then?" "I f*****g stamps on 'em" says Eric.

The Queen, who has only read about such antics in some old AFO's that Ducky gave her in a vain hope to get into her pants by arousing her interest in things carnal, says to Eric, "surely you cannot engage in sexual activities with such small creatures?" Eric says "I also eat beans". "That's fairly normal", says Queenie. Eric says, " 'uman beans, pass us a f*****g Mars Bar". The queen blushed and says, "I can see you're Naval" "I don't give a s**t if you can see me a**e, pass us a f*****g Mars Bar", says Eric.

This good natured and highly intellectual banter was interrupted by the arrival of Rosy the lawyer. "All lawyers are *********" shouts a voice from the back. "I resent that" says another voice. "Why, are you a lawyer?" says Rosy. "No I'm an ********"

The game's afoot Watson ........
for scran this evening someone muttered from the foc`sle, SHUT THE **** UP explained FF, ive not started cooking yet, even tho, as we have seen, the Battle has been won, the war is still raging between the Upper and Lower decks, The Duck pulled himself up to his full four foot height, grabbed the Queen around the lower band and took her to his cabin for safety where he proceeded to..............................................
Read to her the aforementioned AFO's, still hoping that he could arouse her interests. But to no avail. The Queen stated that she only subscribed to "doggie style", i.e. he sits up and begs, and she rolls over and plays dead.

Old Bill, in the meantime is somewhat non-plussed! He has taken great pains to avoid using the F-word in it's entirity for fear of being struck by the mighty Sledgehammer, or worse, being "moderated", when Hig can apparently get away with it!

Does his name mean that he is/was an "awwficer", and therefore above the law?

Anyway, back to the Giant African Snail, did I tell you that .....................
When cooked in a white Rioja wine with garlic, Rosemary (she gets really pissed off with that) red onions, salt and black cracked pepper to taste Frogs (the type from the other side of La Mare) just cannot resist the dish. A cunning plan then forms in the mind of Father Famine if I can seduce the occupants of Froggie Land with my dish then I can turn them onto Spick Armada of Goolions which combined with Duckies boys will turn the battle in our way. Then we can take Souf America and I can be the Head Brit of Brazil. Crumpet, Crumpet wall to wall.


Of course obtaining a large enough supply of Gymungus Snails to Satisfty the 47 people who live in Froggie Land was a task that would strip both Guzz and Pompey of Shippers a Press Gang was required so send for MA and his cat of many fluffy tails to organise a ......................................
recruiting drive, for sadly in those days, dear reader, they lacked even the most basic gadgets we take for granted this day, such as iPods, Sony PlayStations and even mobile telephones. It must have been really tuff! They would need to resort to good old fashioned persuasion: the Queen's Shilling and a gentle tap on the bonce. The catch would then awaken in a green painted place called the Tin Mansions and learn how to be a real sailor (not one of those counterfeits), before being let loose on an actual ship, with his name sewn in red chain stitch on everything he owned, even his bra, thongs, special sock and pet snail.....

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