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That is about the funniest thing I have read in my life! I'm sitting here in my office laughing my head off and trying not to do it too loud because they probably wouldn't like this lol
 
.....which was italian for "jesus christ me balls" Dunkers grabbed him by the lower band and dragged him under cover,and informed him by twatting him over the head with a plank, that the mission was more important than pain, and to prove the point he twatted him again, they then went into detail(very slowly cos he was a Naval Officer) of the main plan and the back up plan if it was required. This was an extremely dangerous mission and if he survived it, he would cover himself in glory. Our Hero Sam the Man, thought of the tales he would tell to all the ladies he knew, he also shit himself with fear, this caused Dunkers to.......................
 
"...drop anchor in Poo Bay!" he said to Sam the Man, as his stealth craft drifted silently towards the coast of Afturkiranistan. The detachment of superhuman troop of 8-foot fighting gods flexed their muscles, causing their tight, black uniforms to stretch across they taut bodies. They secretly thought about all the women they'd met and promised to marry on that website, but they all knew they only had eyes for each other. Sam looked at Geoff, Geoff blinked at Hig, Hig glanced seductively at Uncle Albert... they knew there would be some serious invading going on when they returned from the mission. Helping each other check their equipment the guys patted each other on the back, jealous that everyone's pecs were bigger than their own.
After a few tense minutes of waiting the lights went out, the Buffer blew his whistle and Sam could feel the warm draught coming from the open back door. He lifted his equipment and made his way towards the dark opening, wanting to be the first one through so he could brag about it to Pam (his wife to be), but nervous too as he had never gone this way before. Suddenly he felt a shove from behind and then he was through, and soon he felt the familiar warm, damp feeling creeping up his legs as he stepped into the shallow water, ready to fight for Queen, Country, or whoever he had promised things to in the past.
This was it! He knew only two things: he might survive and live through this and be able to tell the tale of his daring missions behind enemy lines to loads more women; or he could die, safe in the knowledge that he'd done his duty. Only time would tell as he headed towards the venue for the Rum Ration Reunion...
 
Which was in uptown Texas, a place familiar with our Sam as he had read some Zane Grey Westerns, about Cowbows and Indians, he hoped that the colour of his skin would go unnoticed amongst the population, which would be as rare as Rocking Horse Shit in Texas, but our hero was not perturbed,he saddled up his Mustang with his Guuchi saddle and refinements, and set of to ride into town. On the trail he met a................
 
wee young lass, who volunteered to become his cybersister in return for half the lute (she wanted the strings) if he sucessfully woo'ed and wedded Pam the Spam who was sitting at home strumming her lute and singing the famous Neapolitan version of Greensleeves: Browntrousers, which Sam had taught her over cyberspace. It went like this (to the tune of Greensleeves)...

Alas my heart has gone astray
into the distant Texas sun
my brave sea captain of the BRN
Sam Dicosta has done a bunk

Browntrousers was my cyberdream
Browntrousers was a Captain RN
Sam Dicosta was a man of his word
But really was only a fake!


He made me promises he couldn't keep
he said he was on a mission sec-ret
an Intelligence Captain not an Oxymoron
a Royal Marine not a Dhobeyman.

Browntrousers was my cyberdream
Browntrousers was a Captain RN
Sam Dicosta was a man of his word
But really was only a fake!


In frantic fear for his safety I wrote
to the merry matelots of Rum Ration's grotto
they told me things I feared to hear
my matey Sam was a Walt they sayed.

Browntrousers was my cyberdream
Browntrousers was a Captain RN
Sam Dicosta was a man of his word
But really was only a fake!


So now a tear I cast in relief
that I've cut this forking barsteward adrift
and now me mates on Rum Ration write
to erase this character from Yahoo's delight.

Browntrousers was my cyberdream
Browntrousers was a Captain RN
Sam Dicosta was a man of his word
But really was only a fake!


And all because the lady loves cuddly sailors! :lol:

And of course, Greensleeves had been composed by none other than the founder of the Royal Navy, King Henry VIII himself!
 
Who went on to have six wives, which is another story. He met a mystery man who called himself the Lone Stranger, and he had with him his sidekick twotums ( a relative of gazzas mate five bellies)Now our Sam was multi lingual and had picked up texasspeak without any problem,he could say things like "ah thank its loaded" and "yawl have a nice day now" he looked up at the tall Lone Stranger and whimpered..................
 
"Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu",but then relised that was a lyric from the Famous Quantum Jumps Lone Ranger single from the 70's........................................
 
"Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu" which is of course the Shri Urdu dialect for "I'm a serving in the British Royal Andrew". It doesn't meant anything except to Intelligence Officers who would immediately inform you that it is code for: Goodness gracious me! This is the call-sign used by Intelligence Officers whose cover has been blown!

Sam entered what he thought was the annual Rum Ration Reunion, but found instead that in the boat was a green glow and fog swirling everywhere. A man with worms crawling out of his face and a hook where his hand has been appeared, it was Sam's contact: Col. Abu Hamza of the Special Walt Squadron, to which AAC had belonged before he'd been expelled for confessing his crime under no duress whatsoever. A disgrace to the Brotherhood of the Walts! A f*cking yellow coward! Well, he walked on the other side of the path, so after all what do you expect? Sam saluted with the requisite Nazi salute and scurried below to plot his daring deed.

Pam was sitting at her desk reading about the ex-ploits of her ex-boyfriend Sam and having fits of uncontrollable laughter when HTP tapped on her shoulder and said, Can I see your pics please?

She giggled and replied.........................
 
Sure thang sweet cakes,here take a shufti............

_UglyManOrWomen.jpg
 
...and posted a piccy of Janet Street Porter up, as she'd looked in the early 1970s. Everone was shocked, then Andy confessed that he'd always fancied JSP and went deep pink. HTP patted him on the back and told him not to worry. He was the Medic after all, HTP wasn't medically qualified to certify him. Then suddently out of the green, glowing, Fog, appeared Col. Abu Hamza himself, waving his hook around like someone not right, and he took one look at the picture and said, That's not Janet Street Porter, that's my......................
 
wife, again the thread alters course, why you fukka about with me squealed Sam,at that very moment out of the dust came a whirling dervish, the true hero of our story, a man so frightening that the US Marines used to quake in their boots at the mention of his name, it was our very own Bootneck Yank, he grabbed Sam by the neck and shook him like a rag doll, remember your mission punk, we have to find the woman that betrayed you we know that shes somewhere in Texas, twotums yelled out " keep up with the ******* plot guys" at this the tall Lone Stranger wailed.............................
 
but as they rode into the frontier town coming from the saloon, was the wistful strains of
http://heavens-gates.com/country/standbyyourman.html
whilst standing by the sheriffs office, Geoffrey was moseying, maxi was moseying, Andy was moseying, they were just a crowd of mosey bastards, they slapped the dust from their clothes from the long ride, dismounted, tied their horses outside the saloon and strolled through the batwing doors, suddenly...............................
 
In strode the Milky Bar Kid.You could cut the silence with a Pussers dirk!The Brown Ale Cowboy and Sneaky Sam the Spam Man started to sweat,their gun fingers twitching in time with "Away rode the rebel Johnny Yuma" by Johhny Cash on the Jukebox.The kid walked towards them,his spurs clinking as he walked.He came up short to Sneaky Sam.
"hey pardner,i heard you was the sneakiest sumbitch West of the Pecos.Is that true?"He spat out some baccy juice which just "happened" to splash Geoffs shiny Cuba heeled snakeskin numbers he just bought.
"Si,Thas a me.Wadda ya wanna know for?"wibbled Sneaky Sam his **** sphincter contracting in an involountary manner............................................
 

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