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A message from chalky was detected from the other side via the new fangled puff sea weed Mk.14 Huff Duff. The message was obviously in a code from a four rotor enigmatic knitting machine. The Flagwagger went off to his caboose on the flags deck to try and interpret this missive from the other side.

The Bunty was now off Cape St Trafalgar beating southerly towards the doldrums and it meeting with infamy (they have all got it infamy). Lt Blighty ordered the Bark to be made ready for Captains Rounds which would be held after the Divine Service. It was here that HMS Bunty crossed the 1498 track of the Santa Maria in which many seafaring ancestors of the Bunties crew had risked all to locate Kathy and had only found Bootkneck Yanks, spuds and Baccy and spawned the children of the Devils who were to stamp their accursed foot print across the fair earth until, as it is written upon the tablet found at Unicorn Gate, the Brothers of the G-Spot would swoop down and avenge the fair earth with fire and brimstone.

Mean while a rapid decision on the part of Maxi-33 a younger sibling of Maxi 77 had prevent the self harm that higgy was trying so hard to inflict upon his haggard and wrinkled body. Nozzy Nozzer screamed, Higgy did you also have cuts at the G Place and this has caused this mental aberration in you to inflict self harm. Maxi threw his pussers dirk and the razor sharp blade sliced thru Higgies rope before the noose could pull tight. Higgy was falling toward the deck, Nutty slammed the helm over causing the sails to be taken aback into which higgy fell and slide slowly onto the poop at th feet of UA and Capt-ton Blighty. "What have we here a neck stretching slasher. Put him in irons Master at Arms and when he is found guilty at my table for trying to hang himself without authority I shall order that he be hanged as we did with that fecking OD Billy Bud". LSL Andy gave Higs a cursory medical inspection tied a aspirin around his neck and ordered .................................
Take him below,HTP was horrified, no matter how hard he tried these bastards would not let him go to Paradise,there was just one thing to do,thoughts of Mutiny came into his mind,but not at this stage(or it would fcuk up the tale) he called on FF to..................
The can man however being a nocturnal pederast with proclivity to disinforming the general unwashed as to when the chokies were going to desist from smashing the buttons on the whites he wore on alternate weekday evenings under the auspices of a stock take whch proved that.....
It would also be Andy who would dognose (for there was no diagnoses in those days) that Higs had a mental problem dating back to when first encountered the imfamous G-Spot shroud futtocks (which dear reader AB Dunkers will explain to us all, as with the Main Brace, what we are discussing, so all can understand that this is not some pervy thing that sailors used to do of yore), which made him constantly want to do a bunk. As the Royal College of Trick Cyclists announced some years ago, '...shroud futtocks led to countless cases of attempted desertion, self-mutilation, the runs before they were finally outlawed, along with bellbottomed trousers, flannel white fronts and chin-stays. Most modern sailors do not have enough chins to need the support of these old chin-braces. ...'

Boy Telegraphist Gizawetofyagoffaskin (an old aristocratic Polish name) who had spent the whole 21 months of his training with the Brothers of the G-Spot sewing his unpronouncable name into 433 seperate items of kit, including all 24 lanyards and 28 pairs of cotton bootlaces in red chain stitch, said something nobody could understand, apart from Flagwagger who muttered darkly about Codes and Cyphers. Boy Tel Giza (as he will hereafter be known on this thread) fished out the beer bottles from the beer fridge, which consisted of rows of beer bottles each sitting a brine with a damp J-Cloth on top. As the moisture evaporated, the beer remained cool, which is more than we can say about Chalky, an OD who was caught by the MAA writing grafeetee on the bulkhead with yellow chalk and slung in the cells with Higs. Obviously a budding Schoolie! Boy Tel Giza took two bottles up to the cells: one for him and one for his mate who'd clearly been abused at the G-Spot, but just as they were about to bite the corks off UA entered and reminded them that they were too young for beer. He grabbed both bottles and stuffed them down the front of his knee breeches, threw Giza in the cells with Higs and Chalky and gave them all a pint of milk each to help their bones & teeth grow. In Chalky's case it was to maintain his chalkiness. Then UA said:

No grafeetee on the bulkheads lads, or I'll write home to to both your mothers and tell em!

They shrank away in terror. How cruel. Then just as UA was getting another bout of sadism setting in, AAC trotted by biting into a large lump of mature stilton, and the pungent smell made UA keel over again, banging his bonce on a Bark Stanchion who happened to be skulking nearby, and passed out. As he fell the beer bottles broke and the sharp pieces of glass cut off bits other beers could not reach. UA was, at least until Andyman could experiment on him, toggleless. His body would change shape, for he was now hormonally the same as AAC!!! When he awoke 5 hours later his voice has changed from a deep manly voice to a castrato pitch, for he suddenly found out (to the amusement of the crew, and especially Sgtpepperband) when he called out..........................

[align=center]If it hasn't got holes, it isn't a J-Cloth![/align]

[Please note dear reader, AAC's voice is now "normal" and he sounds like an adult elephant singing in the mud.]
realised that the rope was too lpng and instead of a lamp swinging impression HTP just left an impression, surrounded by blood, snot and unmentionables but to the surprise of one and all, Gerry Hall and Fcuk all the glutinous lump on the snowy white (now there's a lead) deck moved slightly, grunted an obscenity drew a short breath and..............
By this time HTP had been released from the cells when he gave his word he would not misbehave again, whilst behind his back, he kept his fingers crossed.He was sat on the upper deck when there was a great commotion,our Cap`n was clearing lower deck to have Barry whipped within an inch of his life for speaking out of turn,this gave the crew great pleasure cos there was little enough entertainment onboard in those days.the squeamish should look away now ,as, because of cost, we run the same scene as before, blood spurting,bones showing etc,and the screams of the salt being rubbed into the wounds (gory isn`t it? I feel quite ill)
After the punishment the crew went about their duties,FF was heard to say "I d,d,dont fa,fa,fa,fancy going round c,c,c,cape h,h,horn at, this t,t,t,time of year" they were fast approaching the cape ,FF wasn`t the only one that was worried,most had stuck bungs up their arse to prevent accidents.
As they approached the Cape and the weather deterioated rapidly,down in the hold a cask had broken loose and threatened to cause havoc.Mr Muslim ordered men below,saying as he did so..........................
That is the last cask of bubbly, if you want another tot this voyage you had beeter get that cask securely lassed again. Almost as one the crew rushed forward but Hig fresh from the brig shouted out....................
Was that bubbly? Oh, er, I used that last night to strip the polish off the Wardroom deck before I poured some sort of milk all over it and got a nice shine.

Still Higs wasn't going to be able to do any sort of bunk, bid for freedom or self-harming of any variety on account of his padded duck suit. And of course the crew wouldn't harm a ship's boy, even if he had mis-used their special drink, would they? Of course not - this is the Andrew, after all, NOT the Froggie or Argie Navies!

There was a deathly silence, broken by Barry farting, surviving members of the crew running to the other end of the ship (the others were buried at sea next morning) and then Mr Christian-Muslim, a teetotaller and polished deck fetishist, saying calmly and rationally, as only an officer would...

YOU FCUKING DID WHAT????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cap'n Blighty appeared and inquired after the commosion.

Higs has used all the bubbly on the Wardroom deck! they cried.

The Glift was in the cupboard, oh no, I forgot, the FOST drank it all a while ago. said Blighty. His eyes Gleamed with amusement. I thought the Wardroom smelled nice this morning when I was eating my scrambled eggy hammy prawny sarnies.
At which point the two ring scab lifter, failing in his efforts beat the record of old Rip Van Cockle bimbled on deck alooking for the genetically engineered prawns wot he had stashed in the Mishipphams Grot. Before his cackle could be shackled he uttered the fatal, "Do what boss" to which Cap'n B, eagle eared of salt he was, latched on in a mo. "Don't be scared of the badges, Doc, wassup? He was a funky sort of dude who aspired to the common touch by pretending a predeliction to rap musc.

"Er, we need to converse el capitano, there is maybe a little dit I am needing to get off my proverbial." Whereupon visage turning a lovely tint of mauve, the boss began to execute a dainty pirouette in a fair imitation of an irate Chief stoker flinging a wicked welly
Whilst all this drivel and gibberish was going on , down in the hold things were getting serious,the loose keg had loosened a couple more,Mr Muslim,sent Nutty up top to tell the helmsman "Ard About" to steady the ship,then the shit hit the fan,the Cap`n came storming down and demanded to know who had altered course,and all the crew with the exception of HTP,pointed at Mr Muslim ,and in one voice said "it was im"Get this ship back on course at once sir,cried the Cap`n, at that very moment one of the casks shot forward and landed on FFs leg,"f,f,f,for,fu,fu,fu,**** s,s,s,sake me legs busted he yelled, Andy was there in a flash and pointed out that........................
as Higs has dabbed the deck with the painkiller dear old FF would have to suffer dissection without anything but a dozen matelots to hold him down and UA to grin at him as the knife sliced open his leg... Andy fainted. It was his first sight of real blood, as against the stuff they used during training at Haslar. This stuff was spurting out like an old geezer, rather than oozing out like lava from a weeping volcano.

Nutty and Higs came to the rescue. Nutty wearing a blindfold, to avoid sight of the blood, placed a rolling pin between FF's teeth and said "bite yer old barsteward. It doesn't really hurt. It's all in the psycho!" whilst Higs took out a hacksaw from Chippy's toolbox and with both eyes wide open sawed off FF's left leg - the one that's wasn't injured. Oops! So he cut off the other as well leaving FF legless without having touched a drop of bubbly! The crew were impressed and shouted

[marq=left][align=center]Hip, hip, Higs!... Throw FF's pegs into the pot for supper...

and he was immediately promoted by Cap'n Blighty to become the Navy's first Boy Surgeon being paid the grand sum of 15s a week - enough to buy a round of Mars Bars, but as they hadn't yet been invented, he bought a round of chocolate coated rats-tails instead, a real treat in those days - fresh meat and chocolate. Yummy!

Barry appeared from nowhere carrying Chalky wrapped up safely in his hammock, over his shoulder, and said......................
after HTP became surgeon he thought about all the nice sharp things that were his to hone and care for,but his thoughts were distracted when the Cap`n addressed the assembled ships company,informing them that because of the extreme damage to the ship,they would now have to turn about and go via the Cape of Good Hope,and blamed MR Muslim for this,he then told everyone that Mr Muslim was no longer the ships sailing master,that Maxi would now take his place,Mr Muslim was sore depressed and went to his cabin thinking murderous thoughts.

The crew were distressed also with these events ,cos they all agreed that Mr Muslim was an all round good egg,and that the Cap`n was a little shit, Nutty murmured under his breath "what a load of bollocks",which the Cap`n overheard and sent him to the top of the mainmast to stand on the button which would teach him to keep his fat mouth shut.

Meanwhile FF who was arseing about on the poopdeck,turned to Geoffrey (the smartest man onboard), who was eating his daily bowl of custard,and asked him if he would be kind enough to................

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