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Nutters was moaning deliriously from his sick bed. "I must find "the(bad)-Matelot's" G-spot if I am to satisfy her. That Old Greek Cyp bint ain't got one, gaaawd nose oww she gets postings." with an almighty moan he again slipped into unconsciousness. ACC said to Handy Andy Scab Lifter Extraordinaire "if you stick one of these in each ear it may work" Wot are thaey retorted the medical guru" Nipples ye fick cnut" Andy said "it only leeches on my Orlop Deck we dinna want none of that new Modern Fleet stuff ear. Cuffing ACC around the hear he sent him orft to ..................
 
to get the one remedy he knew would set Nutty on the road to recovery, a tot. Unfotunately whilst speeding on his mission of mercy AAC was stopped by.................
 
the vision of a furry bear Stoker in blue ovvies, shiny black boots and a grin on his salt encrusted face. It was Jack, the Real Matelot, who'd swam all the way from Pompey, using the pub sign of The Jolly Stoker (his pin-up) as a float. Both grinned at one another. Jack just looked at the shackles and they fell off, and the two hugged.

"Looks like you need to be taught how to be sailor, AAC." Jack said.

"Yes sir!" said AAC.

"Right son, let get started... To begin with I need to show you the Golden Rivet..."

It would be the ship's tailed cat, Codpeace, who dragged the rum tub, tween his teeth to Nutty's hammock, miowed and spoke in perfect Matelot:

"Fcuk this for a game of sailors! 'ere's your bubbly Nutters!"

and scampered off looking for a nice juicy rat for supper.
 
The waft of Nelson's Blood, for even in 1438, Nelson was a naval hero, having defeated Eric the Square Head Kraut at the battle of South Utsire in 708AD. Finding that the Rum Tub was not attached to a Jarquie Dooosty, Dunkers MAA or Maxi a Snooty Issuing Officer, saw off the lot including queens. Thru a haze Nutters thought why do Gay Sailors get all the left over rum. Making no futher than the sail loooker, Wompers Nutters fell into her heaving buttocks and pased out. Sneaky Pete who should have been supervisng the rum issuse took exception to Nutters slobbering over the bum of the future Mrs Peter. "Clear Lower Deck" the snottie screamed and Scoot ?-??, Capt Ahab, FF, the MAA, Chalky Grefs, the Geek Cyp Bint, The Mad Bad Matelot her alter ego, Higgy, B-Y who some thought was a sample brought back from the Scilly Isles by Ethelred the Unready gathered on the poop. At this our beloved Snottie screams where is AAC and his new sea dad the big hairy bearded bloke in pink ovies and shiny DSM's. He must witness the beating of Nutters with the Cat of Dreads. Nutters is no longer the Master I Grasshoppers am now in charge of this Galleon. "Mutiny is it" said Inver and Gordon. Yoos swabs are in for Ardships wispered the Snottie. The Admiral Nozzy Nozzer ran this place like a Play School letting you look thru what ever window you fancied. Lesbryan shall be My Number 1 now back to your 'Oly Stoned............... Andy knows the Gosport ferry has steel decks and 'Oly stones will not work.......
 
ali-p, the bearded Scotsman from the clan MCM1 took offence to the shitehole that was now the master and decided a quick draft of his kin fae Rosyth and Faslane was called for and he beat his chest long and hard and called out .....
 
FFRREEEEEEDDOOOOOMM is a noble thing. At this point Nutty came round and and extracted himself from Wompers buttocks and looking round turned to Wompers and said.................
 
By St George and Harry that was fecking magic, wompers if I could afford the dowary and you were not promised to another I would make an 'onest wench of thee. But as only the Captain can marry us cos the Vicar is a secret Left Footer and he is your betrothed I must come up with a cunning plan to dispose of him. Wompers said you are certainly coming UP my little 'andsome come over here and I will make it go down for you. Better still I will form a comittee and we can retire to a drinking hole and on the back of a fag packet we will concive the plan, Andy, AAC, Jack the real Matelot, Dunkers, FF and Higgy to my side. What about the Little Blanco Mouse. Yes we will need him and a person who can write the plan Chief Tiff went up the shout. All retired back to the orlop and broached a puncheon (84 gals imp) of finest Maderia and...........................
 
Who said im the Capn? wailed Knuckles was it you he cried to the Snottie?The snottie with typical aloofness nodded his head,whereupon Knuckles lifted one mighty hand from off the floor and twatted him one between the eyes,he fell like a sack of siht,Nutty Is mine an this crews Capn an ill see to it that it remains that way,and to back it up Shamus stood beside him with his bludgeon at the ready.Nutty ran towards Knuckles and kissed him(sailor like),Knuckles blushed and said oh lordy is this my lucky day?Nutty turned on the crew and demanded to know who had let AAC out of the cells.and had him returned forthwith,cos he knew what andy knew and there would be no knobbers loose on his ship,not at this stage anyway, Now Nutty was obsessed with Wompers ,and he knew that she was impressed with his size cos he stood six foot three in his heeled boots,and she liked things of a certain size,and he pondered how to dispose of Sneaky Pete,so he called the mysterious Ting Tong to his cabin,and was admiring her inscrutabe smile when his hand slipped between her thighs accidentley and lo and behold he felt a toggle and two,which was naval terminology in those days for his toggle and two,he was speechless, what was he to do,one in the cells and one in his cabin,he swore Ting Tong to secrecy,sent her on her way with a slap on the arse and called for Andy the surgeon,when Andy arrived they hatched a cunning plan prior to the wedding,they would...........................
 
remove Ting tongs toggle and Two and then sell her to the highest bidder.Then with their illgotten gains Sell said Toggle etc to a local butcher next time they were alongside .And with these illgotten gains they resloved to purchase new medal.As seen below.The Order of the Pain in the Arse.

medal2.JPG
 
to be awarded to those making the greatest contributions to the coffers of the Realm. In return for slipping either Nutty or Andy 100 Guineas, a great deal of money in those days which only Royality, Officers, Merchants and the Clergy could afford, the clergy being the wealthiest and Royalty the poorest of this chain of The People's Annointed (precursors of the People's Peers who were to be elected by the English public (negative Cornwall) 800 years later, in 2231.) The donor would be granted the style and title of Provost Marshall of The Grand Order of the Paine in the Aarse known as the Order of the Aarse or simply as The Arse! Many people of high rank held the title of Arse, from the Bishop of Cumsey, a part of London, who preached to his flock that the poor undermine society whilst insisting that only the rich be entitled to marry through to the Hon.Fynes Wyppe-Snyapper, Chairman of the Board of the High Seas, who made long, boring, pompous speeches about the need for low paid matelots to tighten their belts whilst appointing special bodies to determine the remuneration of the deserving rich: Members of the Board of the High Seas. Scientific analysis by this Board shewed how the Wardroom needed considerably higher rewards just to make them bother to turn out in the morning. By contrast matelots needed only a few pennies extra as an incentive to work long, grinding hours.

This new science was called Economics and this particular theory, Market Forces. In 2033 it was to be completely discredited when a New Entry rating at Raleigh during her NAMET Special Aptitute Paper (introduced in 2032) showed that the whole theory was no more than a self-serving exercise in greed and her work would reduce Economics to the same status Architecture held in the 1980s: a discredited artifice of deception.

Andy and Nutty became rich, so rich indeed that that they invested all their profits in the South Sea Company, before making their get away on board ANS Ratty. The ANS stood for Andy and Nutty's Ship. Whilst they were at sea, cut off from the rigour of shore life, speculation and oblivious to the developing South Sea Bubble, Nutty planned his next conquest: Womper's shrouded futtocks.................
 
Nutters last act as Master of the Galleon HMG Golden Behind was to recommend to Her Royal Highness The Princess Wompers the 'Order of the Pain in the ARRSE' to be awarded to two long serving crew members for their service to dissent. These being the 'Greek Cyp Bint' and her bedfellow 'the(bad and mad)-Matelot'. Andy and Nutters left Heathrow that very afternoon enroute to Bang Cock to be the guest's of the Great White King of Siam HRH Linglai when.....................


This is the said award

andym said:
 
when it was pointed out that air travel had not yet been invented and they fell out of the sky into La Manche where they were captured by a wily Frog who said...........
 
when it was pointed out that air travel had not yet been invented and they fell out of the sky into La Manche where they were captured by a wily Frog who said...........

maxi edit, oops a maxi stutter- it was the software chief honest.
 

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