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I say old boy,WTF is happening with our dit?Its about time you straightened you part of ship out,or youll be standing out side the josses orifice,cap in hand!
At this very moment the Chief Chef appeared and said, Good Gwief,cant have an admiwal being tweated like that,so he waised his meat gwinder,and was about to twat someone with it ,when FF entered the scene,oh for fuckth thake he said,have i got to thort thith out again,so he..................
Punched the Chief Chef in the gob with his fist and led Admiral Nozzer down by the scruff of the neck to wait outside the Regulating Office, like a naughty nozzer, which of course he was! As Madam Joss had trotted off into pirate land the boat needed a new Joss to keep the crew, the Admiral and our dit, on course. Who would Dunkers appoint, now that the Skipper had been finally confirmed dead by Randy Andy our heroic medic, having accidentally fallen head first five minutes earlier, whilst sleep walking, into the Shotley Stew. The Skipper was found by a Baby Chef by the name of Spud, half dissolved in this heady mixture, posing as scran, and the whole lot was ejected out of the boat through a torpedo tube, after a pefunctory service by the Padre, who had his eyes on the Juniors... But not for long, for Chief Chef awoke, confused him in his confused state with FF and beheaded him, sparing a whole generation of sailors the horrors of Ganges 4skin inspections.

It would be Padre Stew for supper, stirred by Yummi Törbet, assisted by 17 very keen Juniors, all competing to peer down her blouse as they stirred with the oar, and Junior Jenny who would be lying on the deck stroking Yummi's sensously smooth legs... but hold on... they were very hairy... Oh no, though Jenny with horror, surely this wasn't Rincewind raising money for his Sea Cadets and hunting down the stragglers who'd promised to pay but had not yet done so!?! One of Jossy's new jobs would be to chase the buggers up! (We shall find out later who Yummi really is...)

"WTF!" Screamed the Hon.Hig. His dit was adrift again, someone was going to pay. Just at that moment Captain Dunkers appointed the new Joss, it was none other than...........
...BY!!! Who accepted the position despite not being totaly sure of what a joss actualy was. Dunkers took him aside and said that it involved raising your voice alot and being universaly hated by everyone for making bad decisions, which as an American, made him a natural for the job.
In order to properly research his new position, he retired to his hammock in the stokers mess to watch The Enemy Below, and began learning proper submarine nomenclature such as "torpedos..los!!", "that Kuntz, he annoys me" and "This is a bad war, it's purpose is dark, it's reason is twisted". Then, radiating a healthy green glow from his topside adventures, he drifted into sleep, not realising that tomorrow would bring....
A feed of bum as a Marching matelot with sore feet fresh from the Gay Pride March demanded that the new Joss treats his addled and wracked feet because Randy Andy had only stuck two codeine with a plaster to his left arm muttering "Holistic". The Joss said "Bend over and i will give you an......................
As the Marching Matelot touched his toes he let rip a mighty supply of methane and noxious pheromones which reminded BY he must also study the meanings of Shit on Raft, Eggy Cheesy Hammy Thing, Train Smash, Black dog from Dam Busters film in the Snow, Babies Heads, Chinese Wedding Cake, Elephants Feet etc or he would starve to death. As his befuddled mind cleared of the toxic smells he looked upon the arse and ..........
Suddenly a nozzer called Pondwater spoke and said something that none of the crew could understand...

Whilst all this was going on and BY was wondering how the fluorescent KY gel had got from "Tinny's" arse to his, BY's, tongue, Admiral Nozzer and the Chief Chef were standing outside the Regulating Office with their backs pressed firmly against the notice board. Suddenly an attractive brunette RPO(W) came out, tut-tutted, saying "We have been naughty sailors!". She looked at the two delinquents and said sharply "Move, I want to post this list of offenders up!" then posted a long list of serious offenders on the notice board. They were all charged with the gravest of naval crimes: promising money for a naval charity then not paying up! Both Chief Chef and Adm.Nozzer were gobsmacked: at Ganges this would have meant being hanged by the yardarm under the dreaded Articles of War, which at Ganges applied at all times... only to Juniors though. The notice read.

Master at Arms kindly requests the company of the following outside the Regulating Office at 1800 - for he said:
[align=center]CHARITY DEFAULTERS[/align]

Name / Amount

Junior Jenny 25.00 PAID You promised £10!!!
Archer 10.00 PAID You promised £5!!!
V1N1984 15.00 PAID You promised £10!!!

The above are charged, under.... with excessive generousity towards Chesterfield's Sea Cadets by supplying them with funds for a daily half pint of pussers milk and THREE current buns at Stand Easy, by paying MORE THAN the said amounts promised. Well done lads and Junior!

jasonL64 10.00
GOKU 10.00
Gillylady 5.00
Snapper 10.00
SmudgeSG11 10.00
John1467 5.00
Scaryspice 10.00
Crabby 5.00
CC_TA 5.00
Dozybint 20.00
Qarnn01 10.00
Sluice_dweller 10.00
Party_Pixie 10.00

The above are charged, under.... with depriving Chesterfield's Sea Cadets of their daily half pint of pussers milk and current buns at Stand Easy, by failing to pay the said amounts promised and due for payment on 29 April 2006.


PS: If you didn’t sponsor Rincewind but have seen the 'before and after' photo and thought – worth it – please feel free to make a donation anyway.

Details are

Paypal @ chesterfieldscc . org . uk

Remember to put your user name in the comments box when paypal-ing
At this moment Dunkers had just returned from HMS Raleigh (he got back aboard by that top secret submersible lift) and was shocked to discover the long list of defaulters. Out of sympathy he decided to let some sea cadets come aboard the submarine, and even control it; these days the cadets were the only ones who learnt anything about seamanship or boat handling so it was fine! Splash, on seeing the picture of Rincewind in a Wren uniform, had a horrible thought... imagine if one day they put Jennies into male RN uniforms! 8O That wouldn't do at all. He tried to shake off this ridiculous notion.

Dunkers had a lot of dits to write about Raleigh so he retired to his cabin, leaving Admiral Nozzer and the CPO Chef alone with the RPO(W)...
And Dunkers dits were full of insight and wisdom. Dunkers had left as an Overgrown Junior and returned a Hairy Man. Everyone was impreseed, especially Nutty and Nozzer, that he'd been billetted in Ganges Block and had discovered the liberal humanity of TROGS in the manifestation of a PO Writer, who recognised, quite rightly, that all RN recruits (including Dunkers and his mates) were really Juniors. Nozzer, Nutty and the crew were genuinely proud of their second HONTROG, especially the Juniors! There was only one way to celebrate.

"Splice the Mainbrace!" shouted Nozzer as he stood outside the Reg.Office and it came to pass...........
That instead of a form of Community Service the Goverment had decided to purchase a site on a penisuluar twix Harwich, Ipswich and Felixstowe. At a place called Shotley Gate. Here it is intended to build a lage encampment and man it with JossMen, RPO's, Cooks, Instructors and the feared Brotherhood of PTI's who for 100's of years had tortured all non believers of the ADMIRALTY.

Then as the white shit house paper announced every third male upon reaching the age of 15 will be sent to this place to be named "SEGNAG" where they are to remain for 12 months to be taught the black art of responsibility. Two other encampments called "Hgeilar" and "Tencniv ts" will follow to take every 1st born male and female child when they reach the age of 15 years. Master of the Birch will be "Nozzy". Chief Training Officer (Recently qualified) is to be HONTROG Dunkers. Chief of the Parade will be "Nutty" the shinest Trog ever. Lingyia will be responsible for Liberal Studies with special responsability to minority groups. Father Famine will cater for their food needs. At this point HONTROG Junior Jenny demanded of Tone and Jocky Brown that Higgy Piggy be placed in.........................
How happy everyone was. There would even be a place for technically minded 15 year olds who were able to do more that shovel coal, turn wheels and tabs, squeeze between difficult gaps, operate spanners, remove and refix screws and bolts, etc: this special group, the Artificer, would be trained at a place codenamed DRAGSIF.

Finally everyone over the age of 40 would be conscripted into the Civil Service where they would serve ORDINARY people for low wages, and if they complained they'd be told TOUGH. If a Politico made a mistake the Civil Servant conscripts would be collectivly blamed and denied any right of reply (just like Defaulters Table at G****S :eek:) Only ex-forces: regulars, reserves, auxiliaries people would be excused :twisted:

Finally Nutty would become Head of State and Nozzy would be retire to a state of the art hospice to paint RUDE piccies, be bed washed by ex-Wren nurses, drink endless Pussers Milkshakes, eat shamelessly and monopolise the state supply of MST. He'd henceforth become an MST Baron!!! :twisted:

The internet would render Parliament obsolete - Matelots would debate all issues on Rum Ration and vote using the Poll feature and Pongos would decide defence and foreign policy on AARSE.

[align=center] :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Returning back to reality and our dit.....................

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