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"The Caterer is adrift again :oops: , beaten by Noshy Nozzer", but, FF insisted on saying,

"A Bear running down the Burma Way after playing two tins-no guts, must have been cans of Piper, tht well known Jockanese laxative. and it was looking for a wood to sh1t in."

Meanwhiile up in the Chiefs mess, the Joss was entertaining the CHOPS(M), CHOPS(R) CHOPS(MEAT) and CHOPS(WOOD) with stories of Captains Table he's stood by., When the Chief Steward runs, (well Minces) in and says you'll never guess what I've just heard......................
 
Although Nutty had done an outstanding job, he couldn't notice the dazzling blueness of junior Jenny's eyes!

Touching her smooth yet firm cheek, he gazed back but only to be returned with a laughter that made its way towards Nutty! Poor guy wasn't ready for what Jenny had instore, bless!

She couldn't contain herself anymore, she had to tell the lads that she was into.........................
 
Transvestitism, it turned out to the disappointment of the matelots that she had been a ladyboy in Bangkok. And so in a flash all those who had fancied Jenny were instantly deemed gay. "It's alright sir," said the padre to Adm Nozzer, "I could have just civil partnershipped you rather than married the pair of you". Jenny gazed at Nozzer with her dazzling blue eyes and said... "how about it?"
 
"Well, what the hell!" replied the Admiral on his creaking knees, unable the ascend or descend a ladder any more without being strapped into his own, bespoke, black leather Neill-Robinson stretcher, complete with fur linings on the straps and, naturally, with his name sewn on the top in red leather in chain stitch.

"Padre!" he called. But just then Nineoclockers, who had been detailed to clean ship 'look sharp, lad' the Jossman had said, appeared replete with the electric deck cleaning machine* (invented a year earlier by a disgruntled Raleigh trainee called Dyson, in week 3) and said.....





*The machine is the godsend of every matelot: it dusts, scrubs, holystones (sorry Padre) and polishes the deck if made of wood. If metal: it scrubs, chips off the old paint, repaints and dries in time for any stokers needing to sun themselves on deck. On submarines it even refixes (reglues) the blue and white tiles back on you picked up in Delft to replace those boring black ones. If you're an advertiser's dream, this machine is for you. Geoff?
 
I'm never going to troop any one for being adrifted, ragging a minger from Jesters, turning up drunk on duty or any type of Insubordination!

Safe guard, 10 clips!

On that note, young Junior Jenny was a little upset to find that the whole crew believed these rumours! Just because I turned down sh@gging the P.O. behind the lockers doesn't mean I was previously a male!

But then again, who but me would know the truth?

(EastEnders theme tune plays in the back ground)
 
Admiral Nozzer was as startled as the ship's company. This Junior was behaving like an ossifer! ""Scuse me!" said the Admiral "but that's my perogative, son", then the Admiral said "I'm never going to troop any one for being adrifted, ragging a minger from Jesters, turning up drunk on duty or any type of Insubordination! Don't safeguard yet, I need to go aloft and have a fag!"

He lay on the deck and was strapped into his Neill-Robinson and manhandled by the all male crew aloft, then gently lowered unto the deck and released. The draggers union followed and the fags were handed out. Suddenly, just as the aromatic smoke was clearing the potent mixture of fuel oil, scran and unwashed smalls that they could all taste, a man in a wide brimmed hat and a load of kids appeared wielding crude banners saying "god hates fags" and praising the deaths of US service personnel in Iraq. BY was livid. "This guy's been slandering our folk back home!" he growled. "His name is Uncle Fred! Members of his church boycot the funerals of servicemen killed in the service of their country and insult their memories!" Nineoclockers appeared but Jossman covered his eyes "You're too young to see this, son!" he said, in an unexpectedly kindly voice "But those kids are younger than me!" replied the Junior. "Tuff! He can do that to his own kids, but not to impressionable Juniors in Her Majesty's Royal Navy, God Bless Her!" He wiped a tear from his eye. A loudhailer appeared and Uncle Fred shouted "FAGS are BAD". Just at this moment a large pink foot appeared from the sky, came down and a very lout fart followed. The loudhailer was silenced for good. The sailors shouted "Good old Monty!" BY said "Monty?" Nineoclocker explained (having missed the excitement) "Monty Python mate!". Jenny now appeared in gender neutral ovvies and bats, her hair standard 1970s Jack length, so that even Janner wouldn't be able to tell if she was male or female and said.......
 
That is it! Strapping my jubblies down, wearing male stinking clothes and having to watch you all change in the same grot is bad enough but short hair!! I'm keeping my hair!

In spit of Junior's recent PMT fit, she looks for more trouble. Wrecking the CPOMEM's peep hole with acid wasn't enough for this little rogue!

On that note, Junior clocks onto Nozzer's shiny golden pipe. With a glimpse of a smile, J_D wonders up to the Cap'tin and asks if she could be noble enough to brasso his magnificent pipe?
 
FCUK OFF said the capn,for it was commonly known the jennys dress sense left a lot to be desired tho in fairness it has to be said,that she never wore anything that would panic the cat,meanwhile the chief chef was reading his chefs a bedtime story. awound the wugged wok the wagged wascal wan,when in came FF who said,for fuckth thake chief,have you been taking the pith out of the.............
 
It is here that a veil must be drawn,for matters to progress,tho we shall return,it is important for any true dit to have a for`d a midships and an arsend ,this then is the midships bit,so dear reader if you have other things to do,this is the time to do it,for it may take a while,but bear with it for this is a sailors tale ,a tale of glory,which will outsell the bible among muslims.We now go to the board meeting that was to put the grand back into the fleet.The writer to take the minutes,scrounger brown the chancellor(CN) ,the padre(ARRSE) pompey sailor(PS) frustrated commander(FR)nozzer(NOZ) and m lords of the admiralty.These minutes were to be promulgated to the fleet at once,hence the naafi barber. And so we begin,the writer who we know had latin at school had headed the minutes mein gott which was german for fcuk me.Arrse laid in front of the board copies of the naafi bar,and its sister mag,diamond lils,as m lords read,plopping noises could be heard as fingers were withdrawn,they looked at each other aghhast,why ,it was all there,why had nobody spotted it before?Admiral of all suppliers (S) said what about the cost?This is whereC became the greatest chancellor that never was,no problem he said ,the oil is running out,we give the oil back to the scots,they can pay for everything,they didnt complain about the building in edinburgh that cost squillions,so screw em. the admirals had a little jig,FR and PS concerned about ndf and baff asked nevously,what about a union,nae problem was the reply.We could build the biggest ship ever ,wed only need one,said the admiral of boats(B)what about the design someone cried,here arrse stood up and read from the bible,they were stunned by its simplicity,it was back to basics in a big way,it was to be 1000 cubits long 500 cubits high 500cubits wide,and made from shittam wood,my god a stretched ark they yelled with delight.Can i have the raf said the admiral of wafus(WOO)certainly,can i have all the weapons of mass destruction said the admiral of all submaries(SUBS)of course.SUBS puched the air with delight shouting yes, yes, yes ,WOO punched SOBS in the gob and cried yes,yes,yes,PS said we need to bring back old standards and run people,and then there the tot,now no one could remember the measures, but S knew hed read naval history,in his hotspur comic at school,it was a neat pint per day, and the mainbrace saidPS,well build one it can be kept in a small locker down aft,and can be spliced anytime.The morale in the fleet was rising.the only downside to the meeting was that noz,who wore a baseball cap his mother had knitted him,with the letters sewn in red silk that said ganges boy dun good,slapped his thigh ,put his hand on his hip and said can i be in the simpsons? they replied as one voice FCUK OFF CNUT, we will return to this meeting at a later date for it is only proper that we return to our crew,FF had just said for fcukth thake chief have you been taking the pith out of................
 
"...me", when the Juniors' Jenny and Nineoclockers stunned everyone by announcing their desire to be wed and asking the skipper's permission to be boy and wife. Well as Admiral Nozzer was pissed on the week's RumRation having had his bid for fame on the Simpsons as Uncle Noz rejected, he was in no fit state to do anything, let alone object. The Skipper said "Surely you want Padre to perform a civil partnership?" "No sir!" replied the baby submariner, "cause you see though Jenny's a transvestite, she wears male sailors uniforms rather than skirts. She's rebelling! So you see sir, it all hunky dory!" The Skipper smiled and replied "Permission granted Juniors!", then the baby submariner added "Oh yes, and Jenny's preggers sir! It was BY and that battered Mars bar that made us do it..." Nutty fainted, Janner look genuinely shocked. The Skipper whistled to himself and doubled off to hear the Chief Chef's bedtime story, followed by Nozzer crawling on all fours. Geoff, who knew nothing about the Mars bar saga and gay, ex-Ganges sailors getting clobbered by BY into sadomasochistic ecstacy, was nonplussed.

Jenny said "Sir," to Dunkers, "I'll be bringing a baby nozzer into the world to join up, do his 8 weeks at Raleigh and join as a Writer. I'll personally teach him English, Greek and how to crash his own nappies in a bucket and hang em out to dry whilst Nineoclockers will teach him Matelot, seamanship, ironing and chain stitch. I also promise to teach him to be able to pronounce his W's: warships, whales, widgets, wodgers, etc." FF intervenes, "For fcukth thake Jenny, stopf piffing me off!". Suddenly the Chief Chef appeared at the hatch wielding a meat cleaver and cursing FF for making him lose track of his story. Now he'd have to read it from the beginning or the chefs would be restless all night, especially the baby chefs! "Father Famine", says he "Will you..........
 
you wotten wotter,pwepare to be wodgered by this wancid wadish,you always pull **** on me,at this FF screamed thite and legged it to the.........
 
Admiral's Cabin, situated as usual below the head, in a small metal oblong box filled with the processed contents of submariners' digestive systems, and threw up! Some unhappy Stoker was going to have to clean up this mess before Adm.Nozzer put his head down. Suddenly Dunkers could be heard enthuistically piping Six O'Clockers and the mad scramble ensued.....
 
And nutter ,who was now wider than he was tall got there first as usual and scoffed the lot,the lads were truly pissed off with nutter,and tho he was black and blue all over,they all twatted him again as he lay on the floor crying for his mummy,the jossman,whohad heard the disturbance,came running in with his cattle prod and....
 
...ensured that nobody heard the news that Jenny had now had the baby, a baby boy, (time flies when you're on a submarine you see, the lights are on all the time so you lose a sense of time) and so everyone carried on to their Six O'Clockers. Later of course the padre was summoned, and the bell was upturned and water added (not from the galley might I add) and the baby christened "3 Bells" for it was exactly 3 bells in the first watch he was christened. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" said everyone in unison, except the chef with the lisp who said "awwwwwwwftttttttttttttth". It turned out that 3 Bells had some kind of birthmark on his arm, it looked like some kind of lightening bolt - "he'll be a JRO" remarked Admiral Nozzer while CPO Whitemouse was scurrying off to the.........
 
Galley to find this new chef with a lisp,for it would appear there would be ructions if FF found out,the jimmy sighed no one was reading his daily orders at all. As the crew rallied around the bathtub for the babys first bath,the capn,became white faced and trembled, jenny looked and her face was a picture of terror,for the birthmark now the baby had been scrubbed with a pussers hard broom,was now clear to see,the chief chef said cwickey,FF said oh bollockth,for there it was,as clear as day,the words MOTHER ******,3 bells was covered up quickly and taken to the sick bay,where randy andy with his rubber gloves on as usual was asked if he could..................
 

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