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Apart from the padre,who was church of scotland,it transpired that he was an ex pongo,who had started out to be a boy drummer in the first dragoons afoot,but he was crap on the penny whistle,and hitting stretched animal skin with a stick,he was chucked out cos he was arrse,he didnt become moderator of the c of s cos unlike the joss he couldnt walk on water,,but in a way he became a moderator cos he ran the ships magazine,the naafi bar,a magazine that made you curl,utmost depravity,it was said if you looked in there you would go blind,a lot risked one eye especiall the board of admiralty,from which they used this to form their policy. he the padre was a real pain in the arrse,he would say things like you cant do this ,that or the other,if you didnt agree with with him there were threats of being put in the lox(liquid oxygen)plant,in short he was a real arrsehole,but well liked in the wardroom,he used to................
 
do unmentionable things to the Juniors which some of us remember to this day, but enuff about the infamous Ganges foreskin inspections! The Padre swam out of the conning tower and rescued the Skipper and Nipper just as the Joss was threatening to take over the boat and declare himself Master! "Yikes" said the baby submariner as the Padre helped him out of his kit but the Padre soon let go and the Junior scuttled away to scran then get dressed, in that order. He knew what mattered being an ex-Ganges boy! "So," said the Skipper, who really liked the Padre, "can I be a Junior too and have one of those special inspections?" As the Joss threw up all over the fish heads the...
 
chef walked in to check on what the joss had been eating,and wondered where the mars bar came from for this was a private supply kept only for Capns rounds,this was in the days before the suppliers were slapped into winchester,so he turned to xo and said............
 
higthepig said:
chef walked in to check on what the joss had been eating,and wondered where the mars bar came from for this was a private supply kept only for Capns rounds,this was in the days before the suppliers were slapped into winchester,so he turned to xo and said............

Maybe slightly off thread, but what the hell..... (Sorry MODs :oops: )
Slight amendment - CATERERS not Supply Staff (Stores Accountants) were the guilty parties.
In those days you applied for this branch (Chefs, some Stores bodies and Stokers even !! etc) got through the course and were promoted !
Some of them got a bit too greedy, we had a Subbie and and a Fleet Chief did a stint in clink.
The Supply staff (Stores Accountants) were tasked with the job of keeping them in check, and verifying/auditing their every order.
NAAFI were laughing all the way to tyhe bank for a while after this, as they got most of the port orders.
 
so after whitemouse came in and totall buggered up the thread its a sailors story (does it matter who went to jail)so he turned to the xo and said........
 
'Cor, blimey Guv! What a cracker of a night out in Jesters..............you certainly did well with the MAO!'
 
Suddenly the Junior reappeared, looked with curiousity at the whitemouse scurrying off to the Caterers with bits of partially digested Mars Bar splattered over its fur, nodded his head in full agreement with his DO, Hig-the-Pig, and spotted his oppo, the hon.Ganges Junior Jenny_D, and opened his mouth to speak, when a voice behind him shouted, "keep silence, junny!". The Skipper was clearly perturbed. A Junior on board a submarine: what had happened to the minimum age of 18, and now women on board! "Padre!" he called, "can you help?". The Padre appeared, raised his eyebrows and said, "Your Grace" nodding to Jenny...
 
Jenny replied with 'wind ya neck in sir!', equal ops and if you don't like it, sign ya papers!'.

This was followed by an abrupt Jossman who grabbed the Junior by the scruff of her neck, forced her into the galley and demanded her to eat the gone off hammy cheesey eggys!

'Learn your place Junior!!!'
 
The mao being spelt wrong it should be moa an extinct new zealand large bird similar to the emu,whose carcass was hung up in the junior rates mess as a warning not to mess with this skipper,who had indeed been to jesters with the xo (whom he called ginge due to his red hair and beard)and ginge in turn called him sir,cos it was first names down.The Capn was jealous of the xos tattoo,daddy cos he only had mother on his arm,so they got bladdered on hrses necks and pink gin,and went to the tattoo parlour,where the capn passed out ,but ginge said he would fix the tattoo. The following morning the Capn came in to breakfast and took the bandages off to proudly show what he had done,deathly silence! ginge burst into hysterical laughter, for instead of saying mother and father,it said MOTHER ******,ginge was still laughing hysterically when the Capn twatted him with a floorboard,as he sank to the deck he murmered quietly........................
 
Amidst all this the Padre came in, ready for scran. He climbed over the ginger mass of hair lying on the deck and sat down. He noticed the Skipper's startled face. "Och, what's wrong, Skips?" he asked. "Take a look and tell me Padre" and with that he dropped his trolleys and the Padre closely inspected the wounds. The silence was so deafening, that Junior Jenny could be heard throwing up in the Skipper's cabin, which she had mistaken for the head (well they were next to each other and both smelt just as bad). Meanwhile in popped a face. It was the baby submariner. His jaw dropped. He read out aloud, all within earshot of the entire crew, what everyone else was too terrified to mention, it said....
 
Made in england,the xo had been taken to the sick bay and the ma randy andy brought him a cup of tea,funny things happened in the nurses station suffice it to say that randy andy always wore rubber gloves,The xo began to reflect on some of the crew members,nutty who got his nickname from always being in front of the naafi queue as a result no one got any sweets,he was as wide as he was tall,when asked is nutty around?the answer was always yes he is rather.Then there was the strange commander,nobody new what his name was or what he did, they were to scared to ask,he became very frustrated.And so we have met a lot of the crew.the capn,xo,jimmy,buffer ,jossman,jenny nozzer randy , nutty, and the padre these are the main characters who are about to embark on a voyage so sinister and secret that it is doubtful if they will return sane.There are many more characters to unfold in this sorry saga.Meanwhile the jossman who was married, had gone ashore with jenny and plied her with lots of scrumpy, he leaned over to her and gently whispered in her ear.......................
 
Its your round and mines a doble and get me a packet of crisps anyway jenny being a bit pished off wiv the old git and the whispers says to the barman se that old barsteward over there he's been givin me hassle all night -fink you could get him chucked out and the barman said.........
 
.....in a camp lispy voice, "Thince you've been at thea, things have changed here, and we don't like your thort any more".
Jenny looked aghast, "Either get into thome dungareeth, or get out, what did you thay his name was? the barman continued, pulling on some pink Marigolds...........
 

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