3 minute management course

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by brazenhussy, Jun 30, 2007.

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  1. Lesson 1
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
    shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
    towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
    the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
    $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
    her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
    hands her $800
    and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband
    says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
    credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
    to prevent avoidable exposure .

    Lesson 2
    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
    her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
    controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
    said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,
    changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
    again said,
    "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but
    the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
    said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
    miss a great opportunity.

    Lesson 3
    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
    lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
    out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me
    first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas ,
    driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
    Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
    relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
    Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
    want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 4
    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
    saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
    The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
    below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
    the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
    very, very high up.

    Lesson 5
    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
    the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
    energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
    the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
    dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
    branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
    of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
    the tree.

    Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
    you there.

    Lesson 6
    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
    froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
    there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird
    lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
    The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
    and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
    came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird
    under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Moral of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
    (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

    This ends the 3-minute management course. :thumright: :thumright:
  2. PMSL Brill.
  3. That Bobs a twat!
    He did that to me once :D
  4. The best management lecture I've ever recieved!!!! Brilliant
  5. People are looking at me strangely because I am laughing at my computer.

  6. haha, i loved that, best management advise ever
  7. That has cheered me up, good one BH, on duty tonight, was looking for something to make me laugh :)
  8. Let's hope ther's someone from MoD looking in - they might learn something.
  9. That's asking a hell of a lot if you don't mind me saying.

  10. Absolutely brilliant Brazen, you should be at collingwood delivering that to the LRCC and SRCC courses :thumright:
  11. at collingrad mate - valkyrie building!!
  12. PMSL, not sure where that building is, only been there recently for my courses, so can only remember Royal Arthur, Scran, Accomodation & bar

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