24 Hrs of hell

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Topstop, Apr 1, 2012.

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  1. It started with a convivial couple of hours in the pub with the son in law. Mrs TS then brings my G`daughter and my self home.So far so good. it is then decided that to save Mrs TS from cooking we are to have a carry out from the local Chinese. We all had the same except for the ribs, very tasty, but no one else fancied them, great more for me thinks I.

    All is well for about 2 and a half hours then there is a roumbley in the tumbley and TS is not feeling so good now and has a spew. Now with all that reaching it must have loosened something up in side and I now feel like a tom tit, after all the groaning I have now been provided with a bowl so I am now vomming and shitting in stereo simultaneously. Thank God thats all over with, and I put my self to bed, bowl at the short trail.

    WRONG. About half an hour latter, never trust a fart over 50, I feel one coming on, too late I`ve shit the bed, feel like a spew and leg it to the heads, head down the bowl and start reaching at the same time my guts go into spasm. Its agood job the bog door was shut as the landing carpet would have been a lot harder to clean than the toilet door and floor.

    Saturday morning death would have been a viable option and still shitting regularly through the eye of a needle. laying on towels on the bed due to all the bedding been soiled 3x bottom sheets,pardon the pun, 1duvet and a mattress cover.

    Drinking now only boiled water and not vomming any more I am now belching Hydrogen Sulphide/ pork fumes, G`Daughter ask if someone has farted, shes in the next room, if its that bad for some one in the next room imagine what its like for me.

    24hrs from the start not had a gaseous fart still not feeling well but try a small bowl of wheaties and fall in to a fitfull sleep.

    Sunday morning feeling much better, feel like a fart, leggit to the bog but its the first gaseous one in 32 hrs. I can now move my left leg more freely, the lay down has done my slipped disc a power of good and my breath no longer belongs to a dragon.

    So now off to Tescos and to catch up on what I should have done yesterday.
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2012
  2. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Good drills that man. It takes me back to happy times in Germany.

    I was sick as a dog the other week while out with some callsigns from this here site. It wasn't the beer (i hadn't drunk enough) and although i thought it might have been because 2DD had skiffed my fag and pint glass, it wasn't that either. Turns out i had a bug. How ghey.
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  3. Good news, I am now 10 lbs lighter than I was Fri am.
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  4. Silver lining to a dark cloud ... brown cloud to be more precise I would have thought.
    Welcome back to the land of the living.
  5. Nothing like a touch of ibs or gastro to lose some winter weight!!
  6. Dysentry..best weight loss programme known to man (or woman).
  7. Latest news: 1400 Mrs TS starts vomming. 2000 Miss TS jnr. decorated the bedroom carpet.

    D`You hear there. Leave, leave your 8`s on and turn too, Hands to cleaning stations scrub out for rounds.
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  8. The girls slightly have stopped vomming and after a rough night feel better.

    I feel like Typhoid Mary.

    Unclean Unclean.

    I`m vomming I`m vomming and I hope you like vomming too

    Any one want a visit?
  9. The local chinese needs a visit from the FSA methinks!
  10. Magda

    Magda War Hero Book Reviewer

    Yes but the moment you feel like eating anything... all the weight piles back on! As I found after 3 weeks of gastroenteritis.

    Lost nearly a stone in 3 weeks... and put it back on in the same time!

    And sounds to me like Rem3pt is right... FSA needs to step in methinks!
  11. Topstop, I hope you bagged up a sample for analysis.
  12. Hope you didn't. Waste of time as all is better.

    Food poisoning from an eatery is mandatory report to environmental health though.
  13. Really? ooh, never knew that.

    After a curry on a Saturday night it could be said that I was feeling rather unwell on Monday morning after stinking my lift's car out with my farts on the drive from Guzz back to Fareham. Doubled over (literally) in the sick bay queue at 08 dubs Monday at Collingwood, an MA comes up and says "are you alright?" Being unable to stand up, I reply to my feet with "No" and she then just walked off. Stoopid stoopid person.
  14. Standard diagnostic technique that. If they respond "yes" then you know they have mistaken the sick bay for a NAFFI and can give them directions accordingly!
  15. Aye sorry about that shippers, I hadn't eaten all day and the few pints I had well and truly turned me into tweed clad 8 ace. I was in full on skiffle mode and everyone round that table got a little taste of my cheesy foreskin or a nugget of poo in their pint.

    Except Jimbo, he guarded his pint very well.

    Blondie on the other hand has my DNA on every single item in her handbag and most of her clothes and probably her hair.
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  16. It's always oh so much worse when you are a disgusting human in front of an attractive slim, nubile young lass. It just makes it worse.

    p.s. I had a minor head injury once that saw me in a hospital toilet venting both ends simultaneously. It litterally poured out of me.
  17. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    The Gay Pride bash gets earlier each year.
  18. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Indeed. As for Jimbo, his pint was never out of his sight the entire evening.

    Now now. We'll make sure to visit your bench next time. Just stop getting moved on will you please?

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