Rum Ration
the Navy Network

**Guzzler** · 10-11-11, 18:40

Splendid thread.

Shat myself in a pub in Cwmbran and pissed in a kraut pongo's boots in Skopje.

I've always been an underachiever.

**labrum** · 10-11-11, 19:12

All my dits a shit...

**stan_the_man** · 10-11-11, 21:46

Originally Posted by 2_deck_dash

Dit of the century award goes to Stan. Hands fucking down.

2 Deck you make me blush but fcuk me did I Larf, OOD a doddle on a 42 but a CVS like a Micheal Jackson Thriller DVD after pipe down watching the piissed up fcukers attempt to get up the gangway, you don't dare laugh in case side show Bob kicks off takes her kit off and makes the gangway staff spew.

**flymo** · 10-11-11, 22:05

Originally Posted by stan_the_man

2 Deck you make me blush but fcuk me did I Larf, OOD a doddle on a 42 but a CVS like a Micheal Jackson Thriller DVD after pipe down watching the piissed up fcukers attempt to get up the gangway, you don't dare laugh in case side show Bob kicks off takes her kit off and makes the gangway staff spew.

Spent far too much of my time as Bosun's Scrote on Illustrious - seeing the concentration of Jack desperately trying to look sober whilst climbing up the gangway when at high tide almost made this shit job bearable ..... almost but not.

**Pontius** · 11-11-11, 02:03

Spent far too much of my time as Bosun's Scrote on Illustrious - seeing the concentration of Jack desperately trying to look sober whilst climbing up the gangway

That was the best bit about doing those Fishead-type duties, when the boat was tied up with bits of string in the harbour. I still have vivid memories of Gib and our intrepid heroes returning to their floating hotel. The 'plank' was hidden round the corner of one of the buildings so they couldn't see you and vica versa. Anyway, all you could hear for about 5 minutes were drunken songs, shouting, wolf whistles etc etc, as Jack approached the building's corner. Then it was those really LOUD "SShhhzzzhhssszzz" noises as they prepared themselves for their 'definitely not drunk', walk in a semi-straight line to the gangway and then climb up it quietly, without falling down. It was all you could do not to laugh at some of the attempts but, of course, I had to keep a serious face and convey the gravity of the situation

Then came the fun of that whirly thing with some sort of passes in it (I really can't remember what it was for) but our 'definitely not drunk' lads then had to try and find their name/messdeck or whatever and retrieve what was kept in the slots. Naturally, that was never leant against because the boys weren't drunk/tired and could support themselves and didn't need to focus VERY hard, so that container-of-cards thing definitely never got tipped over.

Only ever had one unsavoury incident, when AB Punchy Drunk obviously decided he didn't like gold stripes and took a swing. Not being totally stupid, I always tended to 'hide back' a bit, PD's swing went wild and he ended up falling flat in his face. The Bosun's Mate was so quick that I hardly had time to blink before PD was dragged off his arse and bundled none too gently off to 'jail' for the evening. Shame, really. It was the only time I had to go to the Captain's Table because the Cdr had decided drunk onboard + taking a swing at an occifer was something to be dealt with by the Top Bod.

PS: The Booties were always the best at looking after their oppos. I hate to say it but they were so well organised that one of the guys who remained onboard was there when each of his mates came back up the plank and made sure they were whisked straight back to their messdecks. Couldn't fault their organisation at all.

Sorry, no dits in there, just funny memories of drunken sailors and gangways. Poo stories, carry on.

**wet_blobby** · 11-11-11, 05:30

Gang plank dit......

Whilst a young thruster cruising around the Oggin on that famous old cruise liner HMS Fearless we docked at Sevastapol. Awesome run ashore, beer, wine vodka all at stupidly low prices, 3 whores cost a fiver the Russian empire was crumbling, we'd just won the cold war and the russians hadn't really grasped capatalism so it was good times. The only down side was as we where the first British warship to visit the place the ship was stuffed full of Brass and important people. We were allowed "cinderella" leave and had to go ashore in uniform, Lovats for us booties, spangly sailing suits for jack and we had to be back on board by midnight.

It all went well for the first few hours but things got out of hand. The Russians didn't have alot of money so would try and flog us anything and everything. That quaint little ceremony that jack does at odd times of the day when the sun is normally still high in the sky "sunset" was particully amusing because 5 minutes after it ended we'd have a queue of russian jacks flogging their ships flag.... I got one..

With so much brass hanging around and vodka flowing there was a constant stream of high ranking officers getting piped on and off the ship, the poor gang plank sentries and the OOW etc where getting run ragged, one night about 1ish this russian admiral comes sauntering towards the ship, big hat, chest full of medals, the full regalia. The gang plank sentries obviously got a bit worried and decided that full naval protocol should be observed and called out the watch who formed a gaurd of honour as the OOW and the ranking matelot dusted themselves down and began piping the admiral on board. Well, the Admiral was struggling with the plank,one step forward two backwards. He made it to the top to be met with a crisp salute, as he staggered through the gaurd of honour he spoke. In a lovely scouse accent he thanked the lads for turning out but insisted there really was no need.

Poor sod went straight down to the cells, he'd bought the uniform in the pub off some fella who thought he'd make a few bucks selling his fathers gear. Poor jack was so proud of his new uniform he decided to wear it home.

**2_deck_dash** · 11-11-11, 08:38

Originally Posted by Pontius

That was the best bit about doing those Fishead-type duties, when the boat was tied up with bits of string in the harbour. I still have vivid memories of Gib and our intrepid heroes returning to their floating hotel. The 'plank' was hidden round the corner of one of the buildings so they couldn't see you and vica versa. Anyway, all you could hear for about 5 minutes were drunken songs, shouting, wolf whistles etc etc, as Jack approached the building's corner. Then it was those really LOUD "SShhhzzzhhssszzz" noises as they prepared themselves for their 'definitely not drunk', walk in a semi-straight line to the gangway and then climb up it quietly, without falling down. It was all you could do not to laugh at some of the attempts but, of course, I had to keep a serious face and convey the gravity of the situation

Then came the fun of that whirly thing with some sort of passes in it (I really can't remember what it was for) but our 'definitely not drunk' lads then had to try and find their name/messdeck or whatever and retrieve what was kept in the slots. Naturally, that was never leant against because the boys weren't drunk/tired and could support themselves and didn't need to focus VERY hard, so that container-of-cards thing definitely never got tipped over.

Only ever had one unsavoury incident, when AB Punchy Drunk obviously decided he didn't like gold stripes and took a swing. Not being totally stupid, I always tended to 'hide back' a bit, PD's swing went wild and he ended up falling flat in his face. The Bosun's Mate was so quick that I hardly had time to blink before PD was dragged off his arse and bundled none too gently off to 'jail' for the evening. Shame, really. It was the only time I had to go to the Captain's Table because the Cdr had decided drunk onboard + taking a swing at an occifer was something to be dealt with by the Top Bod.

PS: The Booties were always the best at looking after their oppos. I hate to say it but they were so well organised that one of the guys who remained onboard was there when each of his mates came back up the plank and made sure they were whisked straight back to their messdecks. Couldn't fault their organisation at all.

Sorry, no dits in there, just funny memories of drunken sailors and gangways. Poo stories, carry on.

Oh come on, surely you must have crimped off a Cleveland steamer in the cockpit of a Sea Harrier and jettisoned it at 600mph or something?

**MG Maniac** · 11-11-11, 08:56

Plank Dit!

On the Dev alongside in Malta back in the 70's ... my mate returned on board "3 sheets to the wind" and on eventually getting up the gangway was greeted by the OOW (some sprog Subbie) with " and where have you been?" to which my mate replied "Ashore... any more stupid fcuking questions!" ... Swopped my duty watches with him while he was on 3 days 9's!

Also in Malta ... same ship - same time ... killick Regand I used to go up to St Angelo badmington court for a thrash around and ended up in a doubles match with some Crab Police from Luqa and thrashed them - ended up with an invite back to their mess for a few wets so off we went. Having got completely bladdered we got a lift back to the ship courtesy of the "RAF Blue Light Taxi Service" ... along with the Joss who was also visiting. Swept through the dockyard gates with blue lights on and up the jetty where by the OOD happened to be standing and started rubbing his hands in anticipation ... his face was a picture as Killick Doc, Killick Reg and the Joss climbed out the back of the landy ... shook hands with the driver who drove off waving out the window and we proceeded up the plank ... rapid exit of the OOD

**2_deck_dash** · 11-11-11, 09:37

Originally Posted by MG Maniac

Plank Dit!

On the Dev alongside in Malta back in the 70's ... my mate returned on board "3 sheets to the wind" and on eventually getting up the gangway was greeted by the OOW (some sprog Subbie) with " and where have you been?" to which my mate replied "Ashore... any more stupid fcuking questions!" ... Swopped my duty watches with him while he was on 3 days 9's!

Also in Malta ... same ship - same time ... killick Regand I used to go up to St Angelo badmington court for a thrash around and ended up in a doubles match with some Crab Police from Luqa and thrashed them - ended up with an invite back to their mess for a few wets so off we went. Having got completely bladdered we got a lift back to the ship courtesy of the "RAF Blue Light Taxi Service" ... along with the Joss who was also visiting. Swept through the dockyard gates with blue lights on and up the jetty where by the OOD happened to be standing and started rubbing his hands in anticipation ... his face was a picture as Killick Doc, Killick Reg and the Joss climbed out the back of the landy ... shook hands with the driver who drove off waving out the window and we proceeded up the plank ... rapid exit of the OOD

Nothing like a police escort to rile up the gangway staff.

As a 16 year old trainee at Collingwood, I had a moped. This basically meant I was a god among the other 16 year old trainees because I could zoom around at 30mph and get big eats from Fareham and Gosport. One evening my oppos and I were having a party in the block and I was tasked to go and get some pizzas, 5 to be exact, the really fucking huge ones.

Not really thinking things through properly, I trotted off on the bike to pick up the food and soon realised that getting five 18'' pizzas on the bike wasn't gonna happen. I tried putting them on the footwell, but they didn't fit, the bike had a small luggage rack but I had no way of securing them to it. In the end I resorted to balancing the pizzas on my knees and wedging my elbows on top.

Now this effected my stability somewhat and I had some difficulty manouvering the bike, things were a little wobbly to say the least and the 2 cans of Strongbow I'd consumed not half an hour earlier, probably weren't helping. As I wobbled my way around the roundabout under the viaduct in Fareham, I noticed the familiar sight of blue flashing lights in my mirror. Shit rumbled, or so I thought.

The very nice copper and his chubby female companion started out with the usual questions:

''You insured son?''

''Bike taxed?''

''You appear to have a bit of trouble controlling the bike, hasn't got anything to do with the five family size pizzas you've got on your lap has it?''

So I explained to plod that I was just a stupid young matelot and that we were all being sent to sea the very next day (a complete lie) and were having a leaving party and that's what the pizzas were for. The copper and his chubby WPC mate, took pity on me and gave me a police escort to Collingwood with the pizzas on their backseat.

As we approached the main gate, all the security staff started to twitch with excitement, ready to arrest whichever miscreant was in the back of the car. They were properly disappointed when plod handed over my five pizzas with a friendly ''ride safe son.''

**stan_the_man** · 11-11-11, 10:00

Me and Paddy S were doing a seariding job out in the Adriatic on Cambeltown in 98, flying onto her at sea in a Canadian navy Sea King just as we boarded at Bari airport the pilot told us we had to wait for another passenger. He was a German matelot who had missed his ship, he duly arrived managed to clamer into the back with us and promptly passed out still shitters. About 10 minutes into the flight there was the most horrific stench emminating from the kraut he as either dead or had shit himself extremely badly - it was the later, the aircrewman opened all the doors but the stench wouldn't fcuking go away, twenty minutes later we were in the hover over the Bremen, and the crew winched the cnut down still asleep in the strop, shit was rolling down his trouser legs and the downwash gave the flightdeck crew freckles, bet they kicked ten bells out of him in the handar.