Welcome to Navy Net

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial naval community.

Register now (free) to join in and remove this advertising

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 23
Like Tree8Likes
Discuss This should get me banned from RR for being a drillbit (i.e. a boring tool) in The Gash Barge on Navy Net; BRITAIN'S NEW NAVY! The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure ...
  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    45

    This should get me banned from RR for being a drillbit (i.e. a boring tool)





    BRITAIN'S NEW NAVY!

    The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
    Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS
    Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure
    from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
    The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS
    Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

    Costing 850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st
    century and comply with the very latest employment, equality,
    health & safety and human rights laws.

    The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with
    wheelchair access.

    Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce
    the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number
    of compensation claims.

    Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day
    and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

    The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in
    accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,
    gender, sexuality and disability.

    Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in
    line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All
    the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and
    nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

    Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
    allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager
    to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash";
    so out has gone the occasional
    rum ration which is to be replaced
    by sparkling water.

    Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include
    all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on
    request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of
    flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.


    Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist
    and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All
    information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different
    languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be
    required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this
    applies equally to women crew members.

    The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the
    White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The
    Union Flag had already been discarded.

    The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned
    soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
    Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She
    will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

    Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
    immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south
    coast.

    The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest
    in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to
    comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."


    His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"


    Andy_Cap, SARKING and seafarer1939 like this.

  2. #2
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    North of the Border
    Posts
    7,612
    Nice1, good job I had my incontinence pad on.

  3. #3
    Moderator sgtpepperband's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    PO Box 3255, London SW1P 1AE
    Posts
    14,335
    Images
    5
    Banned? Don't flatter yourself - you're not that funny.

    "It is the peculiar quality of fools to perceive the faults of others and to forget his own." - Marcus Tullius Cicero
    "To know that you do not know is the best. To pretend to know when you do not know is a disease." - Lao-Tzu

  4. #4
    Senior Member witsend's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Orca
    Posts
    6,826
    Quote Originally Posted by finknottle View Post
    good job I had my incontinence pad on.
    Probably the first truthful statement you've made on RR. Give yourself a werthers.

  5. #5
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    North of the Border
    Posts
    7,612
    Quote Originally Posted by witsend View Post
    Probably the first truthful statement you've made on RR. Give yourself a werthers.
    As I used to like crunching them I will have to trundle round and borrow your teeth first.

  6. #6
    Senior Member witsend's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Orca
    Posts
    6,826
    Quote Originally Posted by finknottle View Post
    As I used to like crunching them I will have to trundle round and borrow your teeth first.
    You never took your own advice.


  7. #7
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    North of the Border
    Posts
    7,612
    [QUOTE=witsend;1072754]You never took your own advice.


    So it would seem.

  8. #8
    Senior Member EarlyChop's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    757
    Quote Originally Posted by finknottle View Post
    As I used to like crunching them I will have to trundle round and borrow your teeth first.
    Just for you Finks

    W100608-Werther-Soft-E20.jpg
    finknottle likes this.
    RT for AET in April 2010.

    Everything done.

    Early summer 2012, hopefully.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Guzzler's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    PL11
    Posts
    5,763
    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone View Post




    BRITAIN'S NEW NAVY!

    The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
    Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS
    Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure
    from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
    The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS
    Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

    Costing 850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st
    century and comply with the very latest employment, equality,
    health & safety and human rights laws.

    The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with
    wheelchair access.

    Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce
    the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number
    of compensation claims.

    Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day
    and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

    The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in
    accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,
    gender, sexuality and disability.

    Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in
    line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All
    the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and
    nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

    Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
    allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager
    to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash";
    so out has gone the occasional
    rum ration which is to be replaced
    by sparkling water.

    Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include
    all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on
    request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of
    flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.


    Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist
    and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All
    information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different
    languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be
    required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this
    applies equally to women crew members.

    The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the
    White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The
    Union Flag had already been discarded.

    The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned
    soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
    Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She
    will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

    Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
    immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south
    coast.

    The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest
    in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to
    comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."


    His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"


    Dull cunt.
    Wit lent from heaven but vices sent from hell

  10. #10
    Senior Member notafourknotfudgepacker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Near the sea, but not that near !
    Posts
    777
    Images
    1
    Quote Originally Posted by Guzzler View Post
    Dull cunt.
    And it's not exactly new either, it being a variation of something that Jeremy Clarkson wrote in the Times years ago.
    Not so much a way of life - more like an adventure!

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •