Rum Ration
the Navy Network

This just in from our Evening Herald reporter Dateline Plymouth 17th July 2012 Tragedy struck on a North Prospect (Plymouth) council estate this afternoon when 4 year old Wayne Breezeblock was left unattended in his front garden whilst his mother was inside the house drinking bottles of Blue Nun and playing on-line bingo. The toddler apparently went into his unmarried mothers kitchen and took two brand new Stanley knives, which had been shop-lifted from B & Q the previous afternoon before going out into the rear garden of the property, mounting his stolen Quad-Bike and crashing through the next-door-neighbours fence. The noise startled the neighbours two sleeping Staffordshire Bull Terriers "Sutcliffe" and "Saddam" who immediately rushed in to attack the youngster. The neighbour, woken from a Crystal-Meth induced coma, opened his bedroom curtains and was greeted with a horrific and extremely gruesome sight. Pieces of his beloved attack dogs were scattered all over the patio, and the child had made a hat from the intestines of both the dead canines and was sat on one dogs head singing "The Bollocks on the dogs go round and round, round and round, round and round - The bollocks on the dogs go round and round - all day long", whilst playing a grisly version of marbles with what was left of the animals testicles. The police were called and young Wayne Breezeblock was forced into a cage with a cattle prod,and arrested under *The Dangerous Toddlers Act Section 5(b) 2011*.Waynes mother, 15 year old Kylie Breezeblock has been given 72 hours to pay a fine of £500 for Waynes release or face having him put down, and then having to get pregnant again in order to keep her place on the list for the new houses over the road, when they are completed in three months time.

Simon Gerbil, a 21 year old computer expert from Huddersfield has successfully printed a sandwich on his HP InkJet 4500 P12 after making several modifications to both the printers hardware and associated software. In an interview for a local radio station, Mr Gerbil said; "First, I emptied the tri-colour and black ink cartridges and re-filled them both....the colour one with a mixture of grated cheese and salad cream, and the black ink one with liquid margarine. Using a modified G.U.I. (Graphics User Interface) which I'm keeping secret, I carefully placed two slices of Hovis*Best of Both* bread in the paper feed tray and clicked on the ~PRINT~ icon. The slices of bread were taken in through the printers modified mechanism and the ink cartridges squirted their contents on them...the end result being a reasonably edible cheesy-mayo type sandwich. I am currently working on a bigger project which uses the biggest industrial printer on the market, and by using flattened stale bread baps, and by re-filling all three ink cartridges with minced beef, boiled onions and tomato sauce, as well as installing a heating element attached to the ink cartridges - I am very close to actually printing hamburgers at the rate of three per minute. This new system of mass food production could then be introduced into third world countries that are always banging on about being hungry and asking us better off lot for bags of rice and money. We could export old, used printers - shipping them with the new *GrubWare* as I like to call it, boxed up on a CD which can be activated on line for a small fee. They can then print off as much food as they want. The software runs on any version of Windows so any viable 2nd hand computer that ends up in a container, bound for FuzzyWuzzy Land would suffice. We could also get rid of used ink cartridges in the same way. Simply be re-filling them with old leftovers...say baked bean juice,the last bit from the bottom of a Heinz Salad Cream bottle or discarded Pot Noodles....the possibilities are endless, and stale bread is plentiful at the end of the week from all major Supermarket chains on the *Reduced for a quick sale* shelves." Mr Gerbil has patented his ground-breaking technology and has recently turned down a three billion dollar offer from Bill Gates who wanted to market the software under the name *Microsoft ANTI-STARVE 2012 PLATINUM EDITION* for $25 per unit.

Billy - quite brilliant!

It must have been a VERY boring night shift..........

Newsflash! Security Firm G4S have sorted out their problems concerning the manning shortfalls for the
London Olympics. They have sacked everyone and hired just one person who will ensure that the Olympics
go ahead with absolutely no chance of any terrorist attack being successful. Huge posters are being
erected at every Olympic venue in the country......potential bad guys....you've been warned.

Well, let's take a break from all this madness and whizz off back to the 70's for a bit of a boogie.
Ladies and Gentlemen, get your flares on, grab a tank-top, turn up the volume
and start tapping your feet. This is Pablo Cruise.............

Pablo Cruise - Don't wanna live without it - YouTube

Scandal strikes new ITV Talent Show.Andrew Lloyd Webbers talent competition *Superstar* (ITV1 Saturday/Sunday) has been rocked by allegations of corruption which is favouring certain contestants, according to information obtained from an insider who works on the programme.The "insider" (who wishes to remain anonymous) but is called Rabbi Lev Finklestein and lives at 222A Frampton Gardens, Finsbury Park, London has issued a statement to the press saying;"An old man, dressed only in a manky white robe and sandals, auditioned for the series a long, long time ago and he absolutely nailed it. His singing voice was pitch perfect, he had an amazing presence and absolutely owned the stage. He had a straggly beard, piercing blue eyes, spoke Latin fluently and had a strange sort of halo-type aura around his head. Not only this - but when he had finished his singing audition...he turned the judges bottles of *Evian Spring Water" into Chateau La-Fitte 1965 and fed the entire audition audience on just five Subway Beef and Horse radish sandwiches and three Findus fish fingers. Whilst belting out his audition song *Dead Ringer for love* by Meatloaf, the judges noticed he had small circular scars in the palms of his hands which were dripping blood onto the stage and similar markings on his ankles. The unknown contestant also had a spear stuck in his side and in order to give his debut audition some depth, he had also jammed a crown of thorns on his head......the blood looked real to me", said Lev.He continued;"Unfortunately, the judges thought that the gentlemans performance was a little too much like method-acting so he didn't make the final cut. He actually put his name on the audition form as Jesus of Nazareth and age as 2000 years plus. This,however did not impress judges, who have placed their faith in a relative unknown singer called Okk Dakk Sung, a North Korean Tractor assembler, here on a temporary student visa and currently living on Platform 3 of Knightsbridge Underground station. I personally believe that Mr Lloyd Webbers audition team have binned the actual, real, genuine, bona fide Jesus of Nazareth who had returned to Earth in the hope of finding a decent job, starring in a new version of the musical about His life in the first place. I last saw this man, as he floated out of the window of the Dressing Room on the 20th floor, before walking across the River Thames, briefly pausing to cure an entire coach-load of paraplegics from Shepton-Mallet on a day trip to visit the London Eye".The producers of *Superstar* have also released a statement saying;"We fully understand Rabbi Finklesteins concerns, but we feel that the North Korean fat boy is the viewers favourite and we all believed that the audition given by the man called Jesus of Nazareth, was actually David Blaine trying to revitalise his flagging career in some way. We also attribute the recent downpour of frogs, toads and lizards in the theatre where we hold the auditions to the current horrible weather conditions and are looking into the reasons why everyone associated with the programme *Superstar*has recently been diagnosed with advanced leprosy - apart from the Jews.....at the moment it's a mystery"

Supermarket Love Story.The son of the owner of the Lidl chain of cut-price supermarkets, 25 year old Adolf Lidl-Jinjerkuntz was recently sent on a secret undercover fact finding mission to see how their Scottish branches were performing. Whilst visiting one store on the remote Scottish Island of Mungoon, 150 miles west of Clackmachaddenwakker in the Outer Hebrides, he met and fell in love with supermarket check-out girl Miss Janet MacMoose, a morbidly obese, red haired single lady with learning difficulties. Despite their differing cultural backgrounds, Adolf wooed Miss MacMoose with flowers, chocolates, pallets of Pringles and fish suppers for almost three months before she said "yes". They were finally married in the the islands church last week and Adolf said in a statement to the local paper,*The Mungoon Herald* "I love diss large voman vith all my heart, despite vott mein family haff said and vee both vont many, many children, und zo vee look forward to having lots and lots off Lidl-Jinjerkuntz in der years to come, und if der children grow up to be a little fat and haff the same hair colour as mein frau, den for them is no problem at school with der bullies und all the name calling". We all love a happy ending don't we?

Toilet paper horror.*Andrex* - the multi-national company that produces over half the worlds toilet paper has seen almost 55% of its share prices wiped off the International Stock Markets after it was discovered that their latest advertising campaign in which they clearly stated that *For every tree they chop down to make some bog-paper, they would plant three more* is simply yet another way for the huge corporation to make even more profits. Leaked documents from Andrex Headquarters show that the trees that are re-planted after they decimate an area of forestation to make their anus cleansing materials, are sold on to *The McMurdo Timber and Logging Company* in Manitoba, Canada, who in turn sell the timber to *Cudgels'R'Us* - a Canadian firm specialising in the manufacture of weapons used by Canadian Seal Clubbers who operate in the far North of the country, smashing the heads of thousands of baby seals every year.A spokeswoman for *Andrex* said; "Why would this be a problem? After all - when the seal clubbers have finished battering baby seals to death with the timber from the trees that WE planted in order to save the planet, we THEN buy back the bloody cadavres of the baby seals....mash them down and incorporate them into our *Andrex Soft-as-a-Baby-Seal Toilet Rolls* so that EVERYBODY benefits by having something nice to wipe their bottoms on....it's really a win-win situation isn't it?"