The theme tune is 'life on an ocean wave' played by HM Band Royal Booties and the camera zooms onto AB "Shawn" Connerelly.... the sound of Shaun "Commoly" snoring the background is suddenly broken by Junior Bond's voice in his sleep, asking:

Mummy, will you tuck me in and read me a bedtime story.

And so the tale begins. BillyNoMates sits on the end of Bond's bunk, opens volume one of the Admiralty Manual of Navigation, between the nice scarlet covers of which is his new novella: The Garden Centre is Not Enough, the codeword to activate Operation Colonic-irrigation where our hero AB Jimmy Bond (alias Junior Bond also known as Chicogiz) saves Blighty from a sticky end and gets up-rated to Leading BarSteward (alias: Ordinary BarSteward) in recognition of his heroism.

Once upon a time.................
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OXYGEN THIEF

...fcuk right off Steve, this is Billy's vehicle and we do not need amateurs summarising.
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Pablo Picasso was not an arsehole.

Thank fukc someone thinks like I do.

Ref: James Bonds Dads Lad.

The last saga was written on post-its, bits of toilet paper, empty fag packets and such like.
This next one is being done all at once, in a bunch, complete with a beginning - middle - and end.
It will contain links, images, music and a plethora of other stuff, which I
hope should amuse almost as much as the original badly written tale did.

For all browsers who liked "James Bonds Dad" - have patience.
For all those who thought it was a Skip-load of Shi*...tough - the
new Blockbuster will be here....serialised in late December/early Jan 2009.

Can't wait! I was crying with laughter, you are a genius!

Thingy gasps at the BONDage between Stirling and Hig as they tell him to "shutterafukup".

He put his head down and waits with bated breath for the tale of daring do....
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OXYGEN THIEF

Great stuff. sean connelly was medically deischarged and receives a pension to this day. Anyone know what branch he was in?
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happily married to lesley . both retired love to travel, wine, like malta[hey jack remember you last commish] It never did me any harm,all the better for it. and this was all fields when i were a lad! fcuk em all bar one and bollocks to him. p.s. no medals. Just got the hang of the caps key; well not bad for a 71 year old O.D. Teddy Boy.Rock N Roll will never die, so there! NOW ELEVATED TO THE STATUS OF THE R.R. OFFICAL BIG SCREAMING O.D". ORDAINED BY RUMRAT.MY LIFE HAS NOT BEEN WASTED AFTER ALL !

...At sixteen, he enlisted in the Royal Navy. Like many young men in the Navy, he opted for a tattoo. However, unlike many tattoos, his were not frivolous - his tattoos reflect two of his lifelong commitments: his family and Scotland. After six decades, his tattoos still reflect those two ideas: One tattoo is a tribute to his parents and reads "Mum and Dad," and the other is self explanatory, "Scotland Forever."

After three years of Naval service, a long bout with a stomach ulcer shortened his "naval career"... [Source]

To my knowledge he was a Dabber - a Gunner, I believe - although I heard he was discharged for other reasons, and nothing at all to do with a "stomach ulcer"... Perhaps you may have heard some rumours on the grapevine, Thingy?!
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Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them...
"Don't make me write your name on my shit list!"
Your lips are moving, but all I hear is 'BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...'
"I don't have ADD, it's just... Hey look! A squirrel!"

I've just read the entire thread, it has had me in stitches, from start to finish.

Many Thanks, I can't wait for more.
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17th May 2009 Bring it on.

Time for another episode Billy.
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-
Political correctness
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

seconded

harassed him on a number of occasion to pull his finger out, and get on with the storey with out success
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You are kidding are you not? BBD (now Billy No Friends) was
well chuffed with the response to the mega-post but gizza break.

I offered the outline to Channel 4 (with Johnny Vegas in
the starring role), but have not heard anything back.

Another tale would have to be brought bang up to date,
made politically correct and not infringe any persons
human rights or upset members of the Royal Family.

F**k it...........having a think.

I'll get back to you I.D.C.

B.N.M.
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Have just read it from beginning to end FANTASTIC
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In the beginning GOD Created Submariners. Submariners Created Submarines and Submarines Created the Brotherhood.
Stokers, Rest your Shifters

BREVIOR SALTARE CUM DEFORMIBUS EST VITA

Coming soon (probably the beginning of March). A distant relative
of James Bonds Dad is waiting in the wings. Adventures and stupidity
a-plenty, lots of swearing, a goodly portion of sex and a plethora of
demented characters will carry on the lunatic antics were Nobby Bond
left off..............only THIS time - there's a wee bit of a twist.

If you like reading stuff that would make a literary critic want to saw
his own head off with a pizza-cutter - I appreciate it.

If you're a picky f***er with acute O.C.D. and still think that Jack
Hawkins won World War II all on his own - then I suggest that you
stock up on Readers Digests while you still can.

There's a storm coming.
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Posts on these Forums will cost £5 per second from a landline and a f***ing sight more from a mobile. (Maximum duration - 3 hours). All posts will be charged at the maximum rate and all winners will be notified within 11 years of the end of the competition. There will be no winners. Terms & Conditions apply. Obtain permission from a Moderator before attacking your keyboard.